Venting its all i that i am

[Sickman75]

i was supposed to have a job by now
to buy the gun that kills me
it was supposed to have happened by now
and even though im spared a few minutes more
im still a worthless human being inside
everything ive done and saaid has finally caught
up to me right now as i type this out
cant do anything right excpt feel pain and misery
i just wanted this all to be over and it was my plan
to have bought 9mm and a box of shells
walked down the road and pulled
now im still here being worthless
isnt that fking great
it was supposed to be all over by now
i cant even plan nothing right
failure to the highest degree
i am

 

[NoChoice]

Man, look at @Misanthrope Unemployment post if you haven't already. Even if you aren't mentally/physically ill you shouldn't beat yourself too much about it, but if you're truly suffering then having a job could actually be somewhere near being the least of your problems/priorities if you are like me. I understand you probably need this job to obtain materials for your method, but have you considered other methods? How decided are you on ctb? I'm not so sure anyone deserves anything the more I've thought about it, while karma is a convenient and meaningful paradigm it doesn't hold up consistently. Try not to be too hard on yourself, you may be your only friend at this point. Even if you want to ctb 100% it's not your fault that you can't do it right away, that's basically why most of us are here. In my opinion the planning and method is harder than most things I do on a daily basis at least nowadays. You're not a failure because you can't find a method right now or even fail an attempt, that's for sure. Hang in there man.

 

[Sickman75]

i was wanting to do partial for the longest time, and i finally did it found the spot and well, you sit there and then i kicked off.
i wish i didnt i think i need to do it more so i get used to the feelins and procedure of it. i dunno man
i should have it all done by now. im gonna read that post thanks

 

[odette]

I can feel your pain just dripping off the screen, coming out of every word you type. It sounds like you're in agony.

What do you mean by "it's all that i am"?

 

[JustAboutDone]

You are not worthless and not a waste, I'm just sorry you are suffering now and feeling that horrible internal pain . Try and go easy on yourself, it's not your fault you are here whatever you might think xx

 

[Sickman75]

I can feel your pain just dripping off the screen, coming out of every word you type. It sounds like you're in agony.

What do you mean by "it's all that i am"?

Loser
Worthless
Stupid
Useless
Dumb
Moron
Idiot
Piece of shit
Dumb ass
Imbecile
Derelict
Bum
Failure
Burden
Stupid fucking useless human fucking piece of shit
Retarded
Wasteful
Desperate
Useless
Left out
Abandoned
Not a part of
Separated
Doesn't fit in
Failure
Outcast
Unwanted
Burden
Unwise
Lonely
Troubled
Angst
Lonesome
Hidden
Secluded
Unhinged
Desperate
Sensitive
Worrysome
Unreliable
Uneeded
Unattractive
Hidden
Dramatic
Learning disabled
Dunce
Misunderstood



Those are just some of the I am all that I am

 

[odette]

Those are just some of the I am all that I am

That sounds extremely painful. Could you tell me anything about why you are those things?

 

[Sickman75]

Well to be honest it's because I'm of those words. I am all of those words. I can hold a job, can't find a job, can't finish college, can't finish anything I've started. I'm a quieter and I'm useless to anybody who knows me. I can't even get a job at Walmart or be a truck driver. I don't have any references that can speak well of me. I'm shit.
And it's all caught up to me as of now. And this is reprocussion I have to deal with now. Pretty sad when you can't get a job at Walmart don't you agree? Sex offenders can get a job at Walmart but I can't. This is just the way it is. I'm a certified loser 100%

 

[odette]

Well to be honest it's because I'm of those words. I am all of those words. I can hold a job, can't find a job, can't finish college, can't finish anything I've started. I'm a quieter and I'm useless to anybody who knows me. I can't even get a job at Walmart or be a truck driver. I don't have any references that can speak well of me. I'm shit.
And it's all caught up to me as of now. And this is reprocussion I have to deal with now. Pretty sad when you can't get a job at Walmart don't you agree? Sex offenders can get a job at Walmart but I can't. This is just the way it is. I'm a certified loser 100%

That doesn't make you any of the things you listed. That makes you someone who has an illness and needs help. Is depression what is keeping you from doing those things?

 

[Sickman75]

Im medicAted see a shrink once a week .But those words that describe me are 100© true I am all of those. I just am. That's who I turned into over the years and it's what I've become. A reflection of emptiness.

 

[ThisIsTheLastNight]

I'm a lot stupider than you, I've made mistakes that I'm even too embarrassed to write in an anonymous forum. I could have had everything I had ever dreamed of, and I destroyed everything myself. I do not know any stupider than me. Compared to me you are Albert Einstein. I still breathe. if my body had a spark decency he would immediately stop all life functions. It does not matter what bad things are going to happen, we'll never finish it. How it goes on? We will be controlled by our fear until we learn to control our fear.

 

[Sickman75]

No I'm pretty fucking stupid myself in comparison I too could have had it all. Underachiever fucking piece of shit loser who needs to be washed away in the ocean shark food and bait. I let everything and everyone control me how I feel who I am what I do when I do it. The best thing I've ever done successfully had yet to happen. I'm seriously a worthless piece of shit who can't even get a job at a fucking Walmart or a gas station or anywhere that resembles lower education of the lowest component of work. I am nothing more but a human waste.