NSFW It took me an hour to take a shower last night, after getting SA’d, I’m at an all time low and I don’t know if I can keep living.

[CyBerry]

i haven't been able to stop crying since the day it happened, 2 days ago, I think I was SA'd during sex, I'm not sure if it's the best term to use but there was definitely some level of coercion during it which has left me feeling like my whole body is rotting away, i hate it so much, I have always been a bigger girl. 5'4 and 230lbs, I have had many problems with relationships in the past going south, one time I've even found out a guy was only with me because he was into feederism, so when I turned 18 back in September I was curious about dating apps, that has been one of the worst decisions in my life. I met a guy, i THOUGHT he was sweet, nice, and I thought he was pretty too, our first date went well and I was really starting to like him so when he texted me asking me if I wanted to come over to play some video games of his I was excited, I even bought him roses because I thought for once I could allow myself to be loved, when I got over we played some games but only for a while, then things started happening and soon enough we were in his bed, I had told him I didn't want him to go down there since I was still on my period but he was a bit insistent, and eventually I just let him go on hesitantly, throughout the entire time I felt this like visceral feeling of disgust, discomfort, despair and annoyance, annoyance because I was mad at myself for not enjoying it the way he was and also by the fact I wanted to leave so badly, people love to tell you about how sex is this great amazing thing that brings hearts together but I found myself feeling guilty and violated because even after telling him I was on my period he still ate me out and made me sit on his face, it also didn't help that during it he asked me if I could take my tampon out so he could finger me and 'get me ready' like I didn't just tell him that I don't want any penetration to happen down there 5 different times and he still kept rubbing his dick on my pussy and I was scared because he had no condom on, I do take birth control thank god but the fact he didn't know that and still did it oh my god I'm so fucking upset at myself for never saying anything, I know I should have but because of some other shit in the past that has happened to me I was also scared of what would happen if I were to say no. I had a friend walk me back to my dorm, and when I got inside after it all I couldn't stop crying, I can still feel hands on my skin and the pain of my clit getting poked by his fucking stubble if it think about it for too long and it's completely changed me, I was just starting to heal from old wounds back in high school, to have this shit happen now out of all times has completely broken me, last night I went on a late night walk around my campus to get my mind off shit and when I got home I was drenched in sweat and tears, for a good 15 minutes or so I could do nothing but sob in the mirror because of the gross hickeys that were left and it took me about an hour to actually fucking wash myself, anytime I tried to wash my inner thighs I weeped. I fucking hate myself so much and i remembered this website exists so i guess this is a bit of a cry for help because i can't stop hurting myself and beating myself up over this and maybe i do deserve it but i want to so badly be normal and a virgin again because that was supposed to be my first time, i hate looking at myself in the mirror so much and i feel like I haven't been able to eat, im thinking of trying to starve myself Agin but what if someone notices how I'm getting skinnier, I have 2 roommates (one of them was nice enough to give me a handful of pregnancy tests just in case) and I already told them what happened on that night, if they think I'm hurting myself they might contact the mental health department and I don't want our college to contact my fucking parents about this it's killing me, I want to die so fucking badly and have been trying to think of some methods I can use when the time comes, but I'm also terrified of the thought of someone finding my dead body after I have promised the people in my life so much I'm scared and hurt and I don't wanna be conscious enough to remember anymore.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

That was absolutely SA + coercion, and it's not your fault.

It doesn't matter if you only said you didn't want to once and then "gave in." He should have stopped because enthusiastic consent was NOT given. No means no, but so does anything that isn't an enthusiastic "yes."

As a fellow SA survivor, these feelings you're having aren't pathetic or "too much." They're normal. You're processing, and you should allow yourself to do so. Don't let self-blame stop you from acknowledging what actually happened.

 

[CyBerry]

That was absolutely SA + coercion, and it's not your fault.

It doesn't matter if you only said you didn't want to once and then "gave in." He should have stopped because enthusiastic consent was NOT given. No means no, but so does anything that isn't an enthusiastic "yes."

As a fellow SA survivor, these feelings you're having aren't pathetic or "too much." They're normal. You're processing, and you should allow yourself to do so. Don't let self-blame stop you from acknowledging what actually happened.

Thank you for commenting, it still hurts that what happened was in fact real and i still doesn't feel like it's completely settled in for me yet but your comment makes me feel a lot more seen

 

[Mooncry]

I'm also a victim of SA by coercion. I was drunk with two "friends" who I knew only invited me over that night so they could fuck me. It was two against one and I really didn't want to, but I gave in without saying anything because, for some reason, I valued that "friendship." I never gave consent, and the whole time I just wanted it to be over. And to top it all off, I'm a type of asexual, so I never liked sex to begin with, even before that happened—now I practically despise it.

Not trying to make this about me, just telling my story so you can know I understand. It may not have been my virginity like it was for you, and for that I'm extra sorry. The guy who did that to you is a certified POS and you absolutely should not be blaming yourself. You didn't deserve it, no matter how you try to spin it. You're a victim and you're allowed to feel disgusted, hurt, angry, and everything in between. I wish I had some magical advice for you, but overtime, I've just numbed myself to it. It took me a long time to even accept that what happened to me was SA. I regret ever meeting those people every day of my life.

 

[thebayleaf]

this is terrifyingly similar to what happened to me around six months ago. obviously, everyone processes this shit differently, but i'll share some of what i've figured out from my own SA. maybe it'll help you.

for starters: the first few days after it happens are always the worst. the pain may linger for a long time, but it won't feel this horrible for too long. for the first week i could barely stop thinking about it, by the second week, i was thinking about it half as often and by the third i was finally starting to feel 'okay' again. every day is a tiny bit easier than the last, even if it doesn't seem like it in the moment.

secondly: this is abso-fucking-lutely not your fault. do not ever think that it is. do not ever listen to the evil little voice in your brain that's whispering about things you could have done differently. that voice does not have your best interests at heart and will only make you feel shitter.

thirdly: please consider getting counseling, it really does help. you should look into if your college offers free therapy services, many of them do.

this is fucking awful shit and i'm so sorry it happened to you.
good luck and stay strong. you can survive this, i believe in you! <3

 

[iamanavalanche]

im so so sorry this happened to you. i was also SA by coercion and very much still struggle to shower to this day. this is not your fault in any way possible. he violated you against your wishes and consent. let yourself grieve and heal from this extremely traumatic event.

know that you are not alone in this ♡ we gotchu

 

[thebayleaf]

this is terrifyingly similar to what happened to me around six months ago. obviously, everyone processes this shit differently, but i'll share some of what i've figured out from my own SA. maybe it'll help you.

for starters: the first few days after it happens are always the worst. the pain may linger for a long time, but it won't feel this horrible for too long. for the first week i could barely stop thinking about it, by the second week, i was thinking about it half as often and by the third i was finally starting to feel 'okay' again. every day is a tiny bit easier than the last, even if it doesn't seem like it in the moment.

secondly: this is abso-fucking-lutely not your fault. do not ever think that it is. do not ever listen to the evil little voice in your brain that's whispering about things you could have done differently. that voice does not have your best interests at heart and will only make you feel shitter.

thirdly: please consider getting counseling, it really does help. you should look into if your college offers free therapy services, many of them do.

this is fucking awful shit and i'm so sorry it happened to you.
good luck and stay strong. you can survive this, i believe in you! <3

btw, once you post enough to unlock PMs, you're welcome to send me a message anytime. i'd be happy to chat with you :)

 

[nihilisticmystics]

hey girl, i've been sa'd too, i'll never forget how he slapped me around or how he left me crying in my shower, and i still feel those hickeys on my neck after all these years. the sad thing is, this wasn't the first time. and it probably won't be the last.

you didn't deserve what happened to you, it was not your fault, it was coercion and also definitely sounds like some sort of manipulation.

if i knew you in real life, i'd buy you flowers and give you a big hug my DMs are open

 

[CyBerry]

this is terrifyingly similar to what happened to me around six months ago. obviously, everyone processes this shit differently, but i'll share some of what i've figured out from my own SA. maybe it'll help you.

for starters: the first few days after it happens are always the worst. the pain may linger for a long time, but it won't feel this horrible for too long. for the first week i could barely stop thinking about it, by the second week, i was thinking about it half as often and by the third i was finally starting to feel 'okay' again. every day is a tiny bit easier than the last, even if it doesn't seem like it in the moment.

secondly: this is abso-fucking-lutely not your fault. do not ever think that it is. do not ever listen to the evil little voice in your brain that's whispering about things you could have done differently. that voice does not have your best interests at heart and will only make you feel shitter.

thirdly: please consider getting counseling, it really does help. you should look into if your college offers free therapy services, many of them do.

this is fucking awful shit and i'm so sorry it happened to you.
good luck and stay strong. you can survive this, i believe in you! <3

I have been going to counseling at my college for a while now, I'm really worried about telling them what happened to me though, they are probably going to report it since it's happened so recently and he also goes to the same college and stays on campus, and yes I completely understand why they would want me to report and all but I'm scared of him finding out I reported I guess, thank you for commenting it really does make me happy to know I'm not alone

 

[nihilisticmystics]

this is terrifyingly similar to what happened to me around six months ago. obviously, everyone processes this shit differently, but i'll share some of what i've figured out from my own SA. maybe it'll help you.

for starters: the first few days after it happens are always the worst. the pain may linger for a long time, but it won't feel this horrible for too long. for the first week i could barely stop thinking about it, by the second week, i was thinking about it half as often and by the third i was finally starting to feel 'okay' again. every day is a tiny bit easier than the last, even if it doesn't seem like it in the moment.

secondly: this is abso-fucking-lutely not your fault. do not ever think that it is. do not ever listen to the evil little voice in your brain that's whispering about things you could have done differently. that voice does not have your best interests at heart and will only make you feel shitter.

thirdly: please consider getting counseling, it really does help. you should look into if your college offers free therapy services, many of them do.

this is fucking awful shit and i'm so sorry it happened to you.
good luck and stay strong. you can survive this, i believe in you! <3

im so sorry that happened to you :( and i know you weren't talking to me just now, but thank you for the advice and your words, i think almost everyone needs to hear these words, even if they haven't experienced sa. keep your head up!<33

 

[CyBerry]

btw, once you post enough to unlock PMs, you're welcome to send me a message anytime. i'd be happy to chat with you :)

I will definitely keep you in mind :,) when do you unlock pms?

 

[thebayleaf]

I will definitely keep you in mind :,) when do you unlock pms?

to my knowledge, every account gets a random secret number of messages you need to post before you get full perms. for me it was around 10-ish messages. i'd recommend looking in the offtopic section (especially the forum games) for posts you could leave replies on. just don't spam or anything lol.

 

[unendingempty]

It would probably be really helpful to talk to your councilor about this, I don't know the specifics of how counseling works at your university or who they have to report to, but in my experience the only thing they are required to report to a higher authority is if you are in imminent danger of harming yourself or others, or if you tell them about child or elder abuse that is currently ongoing. It would be a good idea to ask you councilor the specifics of their reporting policy before telling them, but it is likely that this is not something that they aren't required to report themselves. The most they will do is offer you support and resources if you do decide to make a police report or inform the university. Even if you tell them you are not open to making a report (a completely understandable and valid option) it's possible they will be able to recommend other on campus services for support.

 

[TheEmptyVoid]

im so so sorry this happened to you. i was also SA by coercion and very much still struggle to shower to this day. this is not your fault in any way possible. he violated you against your wishes and consent. let yourself grieve and heal from this extremely traumatic event.

know that you are not alone in this ♡ we gotchu

Do you know what SA means? I want to know because I don't know why

 

[CyBerry]

It would probably be really helpful to talk to your councilor about this, I don't know the specifics of how counseling works at your university or who they have to report to, but in my experience the only thing they are required to report to a higher authority is if you are in imminent danger of harming yourself or others, or if you tell them about child or elder abuse that is currently ongoing. It would be a good idea to ask you councilor the specifics of their reporting policy before telling them, but it is likely that this is not something that they aren't required to report themselves. The most they will do is offer you support and resources if you do decide to make a police report or inform the university. Even if you tell them you are not open to making a report (a completely understandable and valid option) it's possible they will be able to recommend other on campus services for support.

Ah I see, I'll definitely ask her about their report policy then, thank you so much for the advice it means a lot to me, I think our next meeting will be on the 18th so I'll see what happens then

 

[GirlOfThought06]

i haven't been able to stop crying since the day it happened, 2 days ago, I think I was SA'd during sex, I'm not sure if it's the best term to use but there was definitely some level of coercion during it which has left me feeling like my whole body is rotting away, i hate it so much, I have always been a bigger girl. 5'4 and 230lbs, I have had many problems with relationships in the past going south, one time I've even found out a guy was only with me because he was into feederism, so when I turned 18 back in September I was curious about dating apps, that has been one of the worst decisions in my life. I met a guy, i THOUGHT he was sweet, nice, and I thought he was pretty too, our first date went well and I was really starting to like him so when he texted me asking me if I wanted to come over to play some video games of his I was excited, I even bought him roses because I thought for once I could allow myself to be loved, when I got over we played some games but only for a while, then things started happening and soon enough we were in his bed, I had told him I didn't want him to go down there since I was still on my period but he was a bit insistent, and eventually I just let him go on hesitantly, throughout the entire time I felt this like visceral feeling of disgust, discomfort, despair and annoyance, annoyance because I was mad at myself for not enjoying it the way he was and also by the fact I wanted to leave so badly, people love to tell you about how sex is this great amazing thing that brings hearts together but I found myself feeling guilty and violated because even after telling him I was on my period he still ate me out and made me sit on his face, it also didn't help that during it he asked me if I could take my tampon out so he could finger me and 'get me ready' like I didn't just tell him that I don't want any penetration to happen down there 5 different times and he still kept rubbing his dick on my pussy and I was scared because he had no condom on, I do take birth control thank god but the fact he didn't know that and still did it oh my god I'm so fucking upset at myself for never saying anything, I know I should have but because of some other shit in the past that has happened to me I was also scared of what would happen if I were to say no. I had a friend walk me back to my dorm, and when I got inside after it all I couldn't stop crying, I can still feel hands on my skin and the pain of my clit getting poked by his fucking stubble if it think about it for too long and it's completely changed me, I was just starting to heal from old wounds back in high school, to have this shit happen now out of all times has completely broken me, last night I went on a late night walk around my campus to get my mind off shit and when I got home I was drenched in sweat and tears, for a good 15 minutes or so I could do nothing but sob in the mirror because of the gross hickeys that were left and it took me about an hour to actually fucking wash myself, anytime I tried to wash my inner thighs I weeped. I fucking hate myself so much and i remembered this website exists so i guess this is a bit of a cry for help because i can't stop hurting myself and beating myself up over this and maybe i do deserve it but i want to so badly be normal and a virgin again because that was supposed to be my first time, i hate looking at myself in the mirror so much and i feel like I haven't been able to eat, im thinking of trying to starve myself Agin but what if someone notices how I'm getting skinnier, I have 2 roommates (one of them was nice enough to give me a handful of pregnancy tests just in case) and I already told them what happened on that night, if they think I'm hurting myself they might contact the mental health department and I don't want our college to contact my fucking parents about this it's killing me, I want to die so fucking badly and have been trying to think of some methods I can use when the time comes, but I'm also terrified of the thought of someone finding my dead body after I have promised the people in my life so much I'm scared and hurt and I don't wanna be conscious enough to remember anymore.

Sending you so much love. This isn't your fault :(

 

[CyBerry]

Do you know what SA means? I want to know because I don't know why

SA means sexual assault, it's any sexual activity, contact, or behavior that happens without a person's clear, voluntary, and informed consent. this can mean stuff from unwanted touching and sexual harassment to rape, it's a form of sexual violence, it makes it hard for people like me (this is from my experience sometimes people feel differently when this happens) to shower sometimes because touching around those areas can remind people of what happened to them

 

[TheEmptyVoid]

SA means sexual assault, it's any sexual activity, contact, or behavior that happens without a person's clear, voluntary, and informed consent. this can mean stuff from unwanted touching and sexual harassment to rape, it's a form of sexual violence, it makes it hard for people like me (this is from my experience sometimes people feel differently when this happens) to shower sometimes because touching around those areas can remind people of what happened to them

yeah thats fucked up, no one deserves that type of stuff happening to them.

 

[unendingempty]

Ah I see, I'll definitely ask her about their report policy then, thank you so much for the advice it means a lot to me, I think our next meeting will be on the 18th so I'll see what happens then

It may also be possible for you to request an earlier session if you feel like you can't wait that long, but that is unfortunately determined by your councilor's schedule. My university has a same day counseling service where they pair you with whatever councilor is free at the time for people that need more support in between weekly sessions or for people in immediate distress, it may be worthwhile to see if your school offers something like that as well.

 

[like_a_bird]

As others have said, this was absolutely SA and in no way your fault. I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

Glad to hear that your roommates seem supportive. I know others are directing you to counseling, and I don't want to discourage that, but please be very cautious around discussing anything that may indicate a propensity for self harm. There is an enormous amount of liability placed on counselors so they may feel obligated to place you under an involuntary hold if there is some indication. This is a traumatizing experience for anyone, but, given what you have just been through, I think this would be catastrophic for you.

Please continue to reach out here. Many, many women have been through similar violations and I think we've all responded similarly so please don't feel ashamed

 

[CyBerry]

As others have said, this was absolutely SA and in no way your fault. I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

Glad to hear that your roommates seem supportive. I know others are directing you to counseling, and I don't want to discourage that, but please be very cautious around discussing anything that may indicate a propensity for self harm. There is an enormous amount of liability placed on counselors so they may feel obligated to place you under an involuntary hold if there is some indication. This is a traumatizing experience for anyone, but, given what you have just been through, I think this would be catastrophic for you.

Please continue to reach out here. Many, many women have been through similar violations and I think we've all responded similarly so please don't feel ashamed

Oh my that's a really good point I'll definitely take that into consideration thank you so much! I'm really trying to keep it together right now the support has been a bit overwhelming but In the good way, thank you again

 

[like_a_bird]

Oh my that's a really good point I'll definitely take that into consideration thank you so much! I'm really trying to keep it together right now the support has been a bit overwhelming but In the good way, thank you again

Hang in there

 

[gunmetalblue11]

First of all, it's absolutely not your fault. Like many above have told you, never think that. I'm terribly sorry for the SA you have been through.
Sadly I didn't read your post entirely, I skimmed over words that are triggers for me so I pass on, I apologize. But any SA is horrible point blank.

In the title you mentioned you have trouble showering. Personally I shower in the dark, lights off. Beforehand light a scented handle in my bathroom and let it set into the air. It helps if you suffer with flashbacks where you recall smells which is my case, cinnamon or pinewood amongst my shower products help to distract and avoid that. And also sets a calming environment. Finally I listen to either to something through a speaker playing, now depending on how anxious I am, I will play the most out of whack and even political debates that make me so furious with the subject, that it a good few times managed to keep entirely distracted enough to shower in peace.
You have to be creative and slightly unhinged to survive sometimes.

Counselling could help. I wish you peace.

 

[CyBerry]

First of all, it's absolutely not your fault. Like many above have told you, never think that. I'm terribly sorry for the SA you have been through.
Sadly I didn't read your post entirely, I skimmed over words that are triggers for me so I pass on, I apologize. But any SA is horrible point blank.

In the title you mentioned you have trouble showering. Personally I shower in the dark, lights off. Beforehand light a scented handle in my bathroom and let it set into the air. It helps if you suffer with flashbacks where you recall smells which is my case, cinnamon or pinewood amongst my shower products help to distract and avoid that. And also sets a calming environment. Finally I listen to either to something through a speaker playing, now depending on how anxious I am, I will play the most out of whack and even political debates that make me so furious with the subject, that it a good few times managed to keep entirely distracted enough to shower in peace.
You have to be creative and slightly unhinged to survive sometimes.

Counselling could help. I wish you peace.

I'm really sorry that I included some triggering words i completely understand why you would skim over it, I think that I'll definitely try that out or maybe my own variation of it since for me it's more dependent on how warm the water is, where it's hitting along with tastes so I'm gonna try to kill two birds with one stone by brushing my teeth in the shower, thank you so much for your input and I'm really sorry if I may have triggered you in any way

 

[gunmetalblue11]

I'm really sorry that I included some triggering words i completely understand why you would skim over it, I think that I'll definitely try that out or maybe my own variation of it since for me it's more dependent on how warm the water is, where it's hitting along with tastes so I'm gonna try to kill two birds with one stone by brushing my teeth in the shower, thank you so much for your input and I'm really sorry if I may have triggered you in any way

It's okay don't be sorry, it's my responsibility to avoid my triggers.
I brush my teeth in the shower too, more for practically than anything else. And to wash away the suds from around my lips and face immediately that can be also triggering. If taste is your issue you should definitely look into eating a sweet or whatever helps you during showers. Like you said, make the routine your own. There are no rules.