Is leaving a note really effective in helping ease a loved one's pain?

[lnlybnny]

I know it could never be enough, but can it help?

I don't feel like leaving a note but if it would help my mum cope I think I'd do it

I feel so bad thinking of everything she'll go through but at the same time I can't live for another person and I know I'm a burden to her as well

 

[willitpass]

I think it'll help explain why. But I don't think it will make a huge difference. No matter how much you assure them it's not their fault and there's nothing they could have done odds are they'll still blame themselves. Nevertheless I'm leaving notes just in case. Anything to try and ease the pain even if I know it may be futile. I lived for others for over half my life, I haven't lived for myself since I could remember.

 

[findingquiet]

If it makes it easier for you to let go, then do it.
If it makes it easier for you to let go, then do it.

 

[agony1996]

I know it could never be enough, but can it help?

I don't feel like leaving a note but if it would help my mum cope I think I'd do it

I feel so bad thinking of everything she'll go through but at the same time I can't live for another person and I know I'm a burden to her as well

I'm in the same exact situation my mom is 81 and it absolutely shatters my heart the pain she'll go through but her seeing me depressed for so long is hurting her feelings extremely.
About the note, I also wonder if it's better not to, for 2 reasons, one I keep thinking of how much it will hurt her reading it and realizing how much suffering I have as in and I don't know why but I imagine her reading it over and over, and the second reason is because of the raw emotions, the pouring out of emotions.
I know that once I start writing it to her it'll absolutely tear my heart apart, thinking of her, I don't think I'll get through the first sentence, so I'm afraid that will stop me.
I know this is probably of no help but you're not alone, I'm wondering the same thing myself, will it hurt or will it help.
I wish I had an answer for you, I'm really sorry

 

[KillingPain267]

I plan to also leave recordings of my voice, and maybe even videos. Maybe they would want to make an online deepfake version of me. I have seen people get relief from seeing a dead loved one seem alive. I think the Kardashians made this with their father?

 

[Emeralds]

It depends. I think it can help. A lot of times people don't see a suicide coming. They either don't recognize the warning signs or they go into denial thinking that someone close to them wouldn't really do something like that. If you wrote a detailed note explaining your reasons and telling them it wasn't their fault, it may help a little bit. It's better than leaving them wondering why you did it if they really have no clue.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Probably not that effective. But that doesn't mean not leaving one will go down well. So it's kind of an asymmetrical thing. The note you leave may not soothe their pain that much but checking out with nary a word (assuming you haven't had conversations before, which of course admittedly isn't too feasible) will really sting.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I would say just make sure that the note you leave doesn't raise even more questions. So try not to be vague or use language that's open to interpretation.

 

[lnlybnny]

I would say just make sure that the note you leave doesn't raise even more questions. So try not to be vague or use language that's open to interpretation.

How come?

Probably not that effective. But that doesn't mean not leaving one will go down well. So it's kind of an asymmetrical thing. The note you leave may not soothe their pain that much but checking out with nary a word (assuming you haven't had conversations before, which of course admittedly isn't too feasible) will really sting.

I never talk about my feelings to her

 

[landslide2]

How come?

I never talk about my feelings to her

I think they meant what you write should not leave room for the reader to think there was something they could've done, that it somehow could be their fault. not leave them wondering 'what if i' best you can. i've written clearly in my notes that it was not their fault, that there was nothing they could've done, to not blame themselves in any way.

because you never talked about your suffering with your mum, not leaving a note could possibly hurt more, because they would have no explanation whatsoever how such a tragic thing could suddenly happen. and it might leave them stuck emotionally wondering why.
but even leaving a note saying goodbye, it will still hurt and may not prevent all those questions from happening still.

we really can't control how our loved ones will feel ultimately.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

How come?

A lot of the pain that bereaved families feel after a suicide comes from all the unanswered questions: why did they do this? Why didn't they say anything? What could we have done? etc. Leaving a note can help ease the pain in the sense that it answers some of those questions. For example, you can state very clearly why you CTB'd (ex. "I have been cripplingly lonely for the past five years and the loneliness is too much to bear") -- now they don't have to waste time in agonizing speculation.

But if you write in vague terms, like saying "I just had to do this, for everyone's sake," it's just going to raise more questions. Why did you feel it was a necessity to do it? Who is everyone? etc. And those multiplied unanswered questions are going to cause more pain. Hence why I caution against nonspecific language.

 

[Just_Another_Person]

I don't think it will matter much, know a mother of a guy who ctb and the guy didn't left any note so she has some questions as "why?" but her suffering is still immense. I won't blame my family (even though they have their share of guilty in me ctb) but I won't lie on my "last words", I am already taking my "secret" to the grave. I think I will only say that I want to be cremated and where I DON'T want my ashes to be thrown.

 

[lnlybnny]

I think they meant what you write should not leave room for the reader to think there was something they could've done, that it somehow could be their fault. not leave them wondering 'what if i' best you can. i've written clearly in my notes that it was not their fault, that there was nothing they could've done, to not blame themselves in any way.

because you never talked about your suffering with your mum, not leaving a note could possibly hurt more, because they would have no explanation whatsoever how such a tragic thing could suddenly happen. and it might leave them stuck emotionally wondering why.
but even leaving a note saying goodbye, it will still hurt and may not prevent all those questions from happening still.

we really can't control how our loved ones will feel ultimately.

A lot of the pain that bereaved families feel after a suicide comes from all the unanswered questions: why did they do this? Why didn't they say anything? What could we have done? etc. Leaving a note can help ease the pain in the sense that it answers some of those questions. For example, you can state very clearly why you CTB'd (ex. "I have been cripplingly lonely for the past five years and the loneliness is too much to bear") -- now they don't have to waste time in agonizing speculation.

But if you write in vague terms, like saying "I just had to do this, for everyone's sake," it's just going to raise more questions. Why did you feel it was a necessity to do it? Who is everyone? etc. And those multiplied unanswered questions are going to cause more pain. Hence why I caution against nonspecific language.

How do you guys lead with this? What do you think about your loved ones?

 

[schrei_nach_liebe]

It just raises more questions even when you answer the original question clearly. It's not worth the risk of your attempt failing and them getting the note. Trust me on that. It's just going to become a nagging presence in the "life" you have left.

 

[Midnight-rain]

Grief over the death of a loved one is a different kind of monster. Note or not, your mom will be devastated. But anything that explains why you did it will hold some comfort to them.

 

[lnlybnny]

It just raises more questions even when you answer the original question clearly. It's not worth the risk of your attempt failing and them getting the note. Trust me on that. It's just going to become a nagging presence in the "life" you have left.

Not even if I try to explain briefly and reasonably a bit of my reasons?

 

[schrei_nach_liebe]

Not even if I try to explain briefly and reasonably a bit of my reasons?

It depends on the other people and how they perceive it. A lot of people are so dead set on not accepting it that there will always be more questions.

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

I think so, it may help with them coming to terms with your suicide.

 

[BrownNoise]

Everyone is different.
Some it'll help ease the pain.
Others may refuse to read it all together.

 

[lnlybnny]

How can I find the perfect words?

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

How do you guys lead with this? What do you think about your loved ones?

How can I find the perfect words?

Personally, I was very matter-of-fact in my Note, because it's in my nature to be so and I don't really have any strong emotions attached to my family. But ultimately, only you can know what to say.

 

[Davey40210]

I think it will help a bit. But not much.