is it possible to feel grief over your past self?

[spring vainglory]

i mourn the beautiful me i once knew.

the girl who had hope. the girl who saw sparkles in her breath on a cold day, who searched for rainbows in her eyelashes every time the sunshine hit her face, who found comfort in memories of her grandmother when walking past a certain flower patch, who shared her food with wasps. the girl who could smile to her friends and believe she was cared for, that she was wanted. the girl who tried to make others smile as little or as lot as she could. the girl who believed in herself. the girl who felt she could do anything. the girl who knew if she wanted to, she will someday.

she's gone. i haven't seen her in so long. i've been trying to find her every single day. i don't think she'll ever come back. i cry thinking of her.

it's like i was in love with her and she died, but im still in love. i'm not in love with the girl i know now. the girl i know now just doesnt feel the same. she's not the same.... she's nowhere near as beautiful.

 

[KafkaF]

Yeah, I experience the same kind of things. You're not alone in that at all.

It probably doesn't mean anything to you but reading this it's very soulfull and impactful. You seem like a really sweet and lovely person to me. And I like you instantly from reading it.

Anyway, *hugs* and I hope you'll find that girl again one day. Or find a new you to love.

 

[spring vainglory]

Yeah, I experience the same kind of things. You're not alone in that at all.

It probably doesn't mean anything to you but reading this it's very soulfull and impactful. You seem like a really sweet and lovely person to me. And I like you instantly from reading it.

Anyway, *hugs* and I hope you'll find that girl again one day. Or find a new you to love.

thank you, your words do mean a lot. made me tear up ♥ im happy you find her beautiful too.
i hope i find a new one too. it feels like the old one wont be back ever. i hope i can grow to accept that sometime soon, maybe thatll make it easier to meet with a new one.

 

[TooConscious]

Yes we definitely can mourn the loss or perceived loss of aspects of ourselves.

 

[touchingthevoid]

I can relate, I miss the old me. I don't think I will see him again. Only a husk is left.

 

[mortuarymary]

I also can relate, the slimmer me, who felt alive. Had friends. I'm now nothing.

 

[fightingforchoice]

I resonate with this so deeply. And currently in the process of trying to integrate all my post traumatic growth with the aspects of my old self that I want to keep. Although there is a certain innocence that will be gone forever.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

It's certainly possible, but I don't think it is for me at least. I find the notion of feeling grief for my own past self to be ridiculous because that dumbass got me in these situations in the first place and still had the gall to think that I (the future self from his POV) would just be able to fix everything. No stupid, I'm not gonna fix your (my) mistakes, you (me) should be fixing mine. Why should I have to feel sorry or any amount of remorse for such a clearly undeserving irrational cretin?

 

[spring vainglory]

It's certainly possible, but I don't think it is for me at least. I find the notion of feeling grief for my own past self to be ridiculous because that dumbass got me in these situations in the first place and still had the gall to think that I (the future self from his POV) would just be able to fix everything. No stupid, I'm not gonna fix your (my) mistakes, you (me) should be fixing mine. Why should I have to feel sorry or any amount of remorse for such a clearly undeserving irrational cretin?

dont be so hard on yourself. you were younger, trying to cope. my past self did everything to make my life as awful as it is now, but i don't blame her, i don't think she was any less beautiful. she was afraid of pain. that's okay, because i am too.

evil is so lawful and true in this world. it's so hard to exist here. the least you can do is be understanding to yourself. i think it would be profound to do so, as you're the only one ever who will know the true you. accept him too.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

evil is so lawful and true in this world. it's so hard to exist here. the least you can do is be understanding to yourself. i think it would be profound to do so, as you're the only one ever who will know the true you. accept him too.

I get what you're saying but I really don't think it registers to me. I already know the true me, he's selfish and cruel and indifferent to the world at large if only more people who were just as evil as me had the courage to end their lives before they could ruin others then the world would at least be far more bearable for those who are only victims. Even ignoring the greater affect I have on the world, I still can't let myself off the hook for what I've done to myself and honestly why should I? They say you shouldn't have to be forced to forgive your worst abusers or bullies and that's exactly who I am to myself. I literally go out of my way to sabotage anything good going on in my life because of the joy I get at letting myself suffer. He does the same to me so he's just getting what I deserve.

 

[spring vainglory]

I get what you're saying but I really don't think it registers to me. I already know the true me, he's selfish and cruel and indifferent to the world at large if only more people who were just as evil as me had the courage to end their lives before they could ruin others then the world would at least be far more bearable for those who are only victims. Even ignoring the greater affect I have on the world, I still can't let myself off the hook for what I've done to myself and honestly why should I? They say you shouldn't have to be forced to forgive your worst abusers or bullies and that's exactly who I am to myself. I literally go out of my way to sabotage anything good going on in my life because of the joy I get at letting myself suffer. He does the same to me so he's just getting what I deserve.

well, only you can truly know. regardless, i'm proud of you. from what i'm hearing, you're doing what you can to fight evil by choosing ctb. at least that choice is honorable.

 

[UsagiDrop]

Your name had a strike through it by the time that I saw your post, but I'm happy to see you back around! Actually, I'm a little saddened, but I think you know what I mean, lol.

I wanted to tell you that I think what you expressed here is beautiful, your words are beautiful, and I'm glad that I have the chance to tell you that. I also felt every word of this. I think the worst mourning we will ever go through will be over the different versions of ourselves that we've lost or had to let go of. It's very possible for us to mourn ourselves. I don't ever remember loving myself but I often look back on past versions of myself and I do not remember why I felt that way. It's painful; I want to reach out and hug my younger selves, to fill them with all of the love they deserved at those times, but those people will never be able to come back to me. I think I get how you feel, just a little bit.

The girl you know now doesn't feel the same, because she could never be the same. The girl that you know now is a culmination of all of the girls that you used to be. She's a new creature, walking out of the old layers of skin that she sheds every few years, raw, vulnerable, afraid. She may not be what you used to know, but she's still you. She's changed in so many ways but one, because she never became any less beautiful. Maybe you just need more time to sit with her. To get to know her. To love her. I hope that one day, you can!

Thank you for sharing these thoughts. Regretfully, I often don't have any solutions or suggestions, so all I do have to offer is encouragement. It's good that you were able to forgive the past versions of you, despite the decisions she may have made in the name of avoiding pain. I hope that you won't hurt the current you any further; she deserves just as much love and understanding as the past versions of you. I only know you through your words but in my eyes, the person that you are now is just as beautiful. And it's like you said, you are the only person that will ever truly know her, so she deserves to be loved by you, and you deserve to know her.

It's hard to do, but I hope that you'll accept her too, before she becomes just another skin that you've walked out of, and so that you will not have to go through this grief again.

 

[spring vainglory]

Your name had a strike through it by the time that I saw your post, but I'm happy to see you back around! Actually, I'm a little saddened, but I think you know what I mean, lol.

actually, it was just a misunderstanding ban so nothing to feel sad about, no failures here at least ♥. i signed in on public wifi the other day and apparently some banned account used that wifi too causing us to have the same ip address, so they just had to make sure im a different person haha
so so happy to be back here tho ♥

Your name had a strike through it by the time that I saw your post, but I'm happy to see you back around! Actually, I'm a little saddened, but I think you know what I mean, lol.

I wanted to tell you that I think what you expressed here is beautiful, your words are beautiful, and I'm glad that I have the chance to tell you that. I also felt every word of this. I think the worst mourning we will ever go through will be over the different versions of ourselves that we've lost or had to let go of. It's very possible for us to mourn ourselves. I don't ever remember loving myself but I often look back on past versions of myself and I do not remember why I felt that way. It's painful; I want to reach out and hug my younger selves, to fill them with all of the love they deserved at those times, but those people will never be able to come back to me. I think I get how you feel, just a little bit.

The girl you know now doesn't feel the same, because she could never be the same. The girl that you know now is a culmination of all of the girls that you used to be. She's a new creature, walking out of the old layers of skin that she sheds every few years, raw, vulnerable, afraid. She may not be what you used to know, but she's still you. She's changed in so many ways but one, because she never became any less beautiful. Maybe you just need more time to sit with her. To get to know her. To love her. I hope that one day, you can!

Thank you for sharing these thoughts. Regretfully, I often don't have any solutions or suggestions, so all I do have to offer is encouragement. It's good that you were able to forgive the past versions of you, despite the decisions she may have made in the name of avoiding pain. I hope that you won't hurt the current you any further; she deserves just as much love and understanding as the past versions of you. I only know you through your words but in my eyes, the person that you are now is just as beautiful. And it's like you said, you are the only person that will ever truly know her, so she deserves to be loved by you, and you deserve to know her.

It's hard to do, but I hope that you'll accept her too, before she becomes just another skin that you've walked out of, and so that you will not have to go through this grief again.

wow. this was beautiful too. thank you so much for hearing me. i think you understand me more than most people i know. i'm very touched. even if i still have yet to accept and hold the girl i know now, you here are giving to her what i refuse to. she feels held by you, so thank you. i'll hold your message close to my heart for what i hope is forever.

i just. i really want to be her again, you know? she was so kind and had so much peace in her heart and believed there was something beautiful in every instance of time.
the girl i know now is so sad. she's a burden on the only one who truly loves her and cant do anything to benefit him. nothing is beautiful in her eyes, what the last girl saw as beautiful this girl sees as bland. she spends time with people she's fond of but she can only feel loneliness. i hate her because i know that because she's here now, the last girl will never come back. it's all her fault. why did she have to come along??

 

[Sans]

I don't know if mourn is the right word in my case, since I don't think any version of me was ever beautiful. However, sometimes I stay up wondering where it all went wrong. At least I was happy as a kid.

 

[UsagiDrop]

so so happy to be back here tho ♥

I'm happy to have you back around!

i hate her because i know that because she's here now, the last girl will never come back. it's all her fault. why did she have to come along??

I can understand this, and I have empathy for you. I don't believe that the girl who sits with you now came with the intention of robbing you of who you used to be, though. She exists because she has to. To you, it may seem like she has calloused over every soft part of you, and her eyes may no longer see in the same colors. To her, maybe, she is only that way because she had to find ways to protect you, or to cope with what you have been through. I don't think she has ill intentions. Maybe you should take some more time to really ask her.

Life is difficult and the suffering that we go through can be immense. Sometimes we turn into people that we don't want to be in the process, people that we may not be proud of, but if they're keeping us going, then think of them as a guest. This is who you'll be for a while. But not forever! You won't be exactly like who you used to be, not ever. But you can still be someone that sees the beauty in everything, or the kind of person that has a lot of love to give, again, with time and care. It will just be different, but that doesn't have to be bad. I don't think that it will happen if you can't find a way to nurture and forgive the girl that you are right now, though.

As for being a burden, maybe that's not true. It could be her perspective changing your perception. We may feel like burdens to our loved ones, but usually, they don't feel the same. Just being yourself and remaining in his life could be a benefit to your loved one!

You'll be in my thoughts. I'm hoping that you will have better days where you can be a bit more gentle with yourself.

 

[spring vainglory]

I'm happy to have you back around!

I can understand this, and I have empathy for you. I don't believe that the girl who sits with you now came with the intention of robbing you of who you used to be, though. She exists because she has to. To you, it may seem like she has calloused over every soft part of you, and her eyes may no longer see in the same colors. To her, maybe, she is only that way because she had to find ways to protect you, or to cope with what you have been through. I don't think she has ill intentions. Maybe you should take some more time to really ask her.

Life is difficult and the suffering that we go through can be immense. Sometimes we turn into people that we don't want to be in the process, people that we may not be proud of, but if they're keeping us going, then think of them as a guest. This is who you'll be for a while. But not forever! You won't be exactly like who you used to be, not ever. But you can still be someone that sees the beauty in everything, or the kind of person that has a lot of love to give, again, with time and care. It will just be different, but that doesn't have to be bad. I don't think that it will happen if you can't find a way to nurture and forgive the girl that you are right now, though.

As for being a burden, maybe that's not true. It could be her perspective changing your perception. We may feel like burdens to our loved ones, but usually, they don't feel the same. Just being yourself and remaining in his life could be a benefit to your loved one!

You'll be in my thoughts. I'm hoping that you will have better days where you can be a bit more gentle with yourself.

you made me cry. i think i needed to hear this ♥

i think that's what my boyfriend wants from me too. for me to be kinder and nurturing to the girl i know now.