Is anyone else semi functioning?

[Trashcan]

I'm neither high functioning or low functioning with depression. I'm in the middle. Anyone else?

 

[Dead_Inside]

I don't know what I am. I am still not sure this is depression.
I will no long make myself food or clean up or wake up or leave the house ... I can't anymore. It feels to hard. So my partner has to do all of that for me ....
that sounds low functioning maybe?

 

[Volatile]

I fluctuate

 

[Caustic Cardinals]

to be or not to be fuck it CTB

 

[RM5998]

I'd say the minimum required for society to think I'm slightly above average.

So basically asleep for 70% of my day. My academic results are, again, slightly above average, and I don't need to put more than 2 weeks a semester to get that, so I'm guessing that makes me low functioning? I don't have a diagnosis on what mental illnesses I might have. I can't afford that.

 

[whatmattersmost]

I'm on my phone in my house all day since I stopped taking meds.
I've Not left my house in Three Weeks.

 

[akosineenee]

I fluctuate

Same. I have a plan set out and my deadline to ctb is nearing everyday. I hate it when I put off stuff I badly need to accomplish especially if I want to leave peacefully and without any worry.

 

[Snee]

half brain

 

[BaconCheeseburger]

When we say functioning, does that mean high functioning is 'being able to continue with life at a normal level' or does the functioning refer to how bad the depression is?

I'm still going to work, seeing people, but I do spend all my days off work in bed. I guess I'm high functioning with a dark side?

 

[Volatile]

When we say functioning, does that mean high functioning is 'being able to continue with life at a normal level' or does the functioning refer to how bad the depression is?

I'm still going to work, seeing people, but I do spend all my days off work in bed. I guess I'm high functioning with a dark side?

You too have a Dark Passenger?

 

[throwaway123]

No. It's like I don't have a brain. :(

 

[azucaramargo]

I'd say the minimum required for society to think I'm slightly above average.

So basically asleep for 70% of my day. My academic results are, again, slightly above average, and I don't need to put more than 2 weeks a semester to get that, so I'm guessing that makes me low functioning? I don't have a diagnosis on what mental illnesses I might have. I can't afford that.

You sound pretty high-functioning in my book. That's great you can do so well in school with so little relative effort. I'm so with you on the sleeping. Your school doesn't have a psychiatrist?

 

[azucaramargo]

When we say functioning, does that mean high functioning is 'being able to continue with life at a normal level' or does the functioning refer to how bad the depression is?

I'm still going to work, seeing people, but I do spend all my days off work in bed. I guess I'm high functioning with a dark side?

This sounds high-functioning to me, BaconCheeseburger. I'm just curious: do you live in an urban locale? I know a lot of city folk (even those who do not struggle with depression) who spend their days off work at home/in bed. (Not trying to minimize your symptoms or anything, I was just curious about the setting in which you live). Of course, you don't have to reveal this info.

 

[azucaramargo]

I don't know what I am. I am still not sure this is depression.
I will no long make myself food or clean up or wake up or leave the house ... I can't anymore. It feels to hard. So my partner has to do all of that for me ....
that sounds low functioning maybe?

I hear you, Dead_Inside. I'm envious that you have a partner by your side to support you.

 

[Slayer]

I only exist, I don't live.

 

[RM5998]

You sound pretty high-functioning in my book. That's great you can do so well in school with so little relative effort. I'm so with you on the sleeping. Your school doesn't have a psychiatrist?

The thing is, I'm a computer science student, which in my college means that there are almost no regular evaluative components. There are two courses that have weekly labs that get evaluated, and I don't attend them. I study for 2 hours before a test, and then show up to write stuff in the answer sheet, only to make mistakes or not finish the paper since I write slow.

As to the psychiatrist, our college doesn't have a regular one. The people on the regular counselling board (that's the term they prefer to use here) are either students or professors, and I don't want to take the risk of running into a counselling session from a student (who's likely to be from my year, and is unlikely to be useful).

 

[Caustic Cardinals]

the title of this thread is hilarious

 

[azucaramargo]

The thing is, I'm a computer science student, which in my college means that there are almost no regular evaluative components. There are two courses that have weekly labs that get evaluated, and I don't attend them. I study for 2 hours before a test, and then show up to write stuff in the answer sheet, only to make mistakes or not finish the paper since I write slow.

As to the psychiatrist, our college doesn't have a regular one. The people on the regular counselling board (that's the term they prefer to use here) are either students or professors, and I don't want to take the risk of running into a counselling session from a student (who's likely to be from my year, and is unlikely to be useful).

I see. I so envy your major and your abilities. I wish I were good at science. The careers available to scientists (including computer scientists) are so interesting. I really hope you finish your schooling and enjoy the fruits of your labor. College was a terrible time for me (18 years ago), and one of my biggest regrets was not seeing the temporary-ness of the situation. Life's been tough since college, but I really think those college years were extremely difficult: socially, emotionally, professionally, academically (and I was a crap student). When you get out of school, I promise things will look better. Things won't be perfect, but you'll feel more in control of your life, I think. Anyway, I'm really proud of you.

 

[RottingFlowerBrains]

Hmm I'm in between.
I've worked hard to become this functioning. I push myself to do everything.. to get out of bed when I wake up. To clean my room. To shower every morning. To eat. To drink. I spend my days doing chores and smoking bongs. I cook for my family every night. I do the washing and th house work. I go to appointments every week. I fight my mental health and I deal with my dysfunctional family
I live in the country I run errands in town once a week. I like everything I own to be clean and organised. I enjoy being by myself mostly .. doing my own thing. I spend most nights under the stars.
I used to be super low functioning and didn't do any of that so I'm pretty proud of how far I've come. I work towards being highfunctioning everyday as being productive makes me feel better about myself.

I don't know if this is medium functioning or high or low all I know is I force myself to do mostly everything

 

[RottingFlowerBrains]

I also work weekends

 

[azucaramargo]

Hmm I'm in between.
I've worked hard to become this functioning. I push myself to do everything.. to get out of bed when I wake up. To clean my room. To shower every morning. To eat. To drink. I spend my days doing chores and smoking bongs. I cook for my family every night. I do the washing and th house work. I go to appointments every week. I fight my mental health and I deal with my dysfunctional family
I live in the country I run errands in town once a week. I like everything I own to be clean and organised. I enjoy being by myself mostly .. doing my own thing. I spend most nights under the stars.
I used to be super low functioning and didn't do any of that so I'm pretty proud of how far I've come. I work towards being highfunctioning everyday as being productive makes me feel better about myself.

I don't know if this is medium functioning or high or low all I know is I force myself to do mostly everything

How in the WORLD do you do it? What's your inner monologue? I would like to live my life with as much purpose and drive as you do. Please tell me your secret. You said you used to be low-functioning (that's me now). Please tell me how you progressed to your current state. That's really freaking awesome. I live in a rural area, too.

 

[RM5998]

I see. I so envy your major and your abilities. I wish I were good at science. The careers available to scientists (including computer scientists) are so interesting. I really hope you finish your schooling and enjoy the fruits of your labor. College was a terrible time for me (18 years ago), and one of my biggest regrets was not seeing the temporary-ness of the situation. Life's been tough since college, but I really think those college years were extremely difficult: socially, emotionally, professionally, academically (and I was a crap student). When you get out of school, I promise things will look better. Things won't be perfect, but you'll feel more in control of your life, I think. Anyway, I'm really proud of you.

The worst part is, there's a lot of stuff I like about my major. I like the study of artificial neural networks, and in a more carefree and happier life, I'd like to be a game developer. It's just... every time I try to pick up a serious endeavor in something I like, it turns sour. It happens quickly, within just a few weeks/months. It feels like life wants to give me stuff to be happy about and interested in, but will then suck out the happiness and interest once I bite the bait. It happened to me wanting to learn the guitar, me wanting to work on ANNs, and me wanting to start learning to make digital art. I'm tired of trying to find that next thing that works.

 

[azucaramargo]

The worst part is, there's a lot of stuff I like about my major. I like the study of artificial neural networks, and in a more carefree and happier life, I'd like to be a game developer. It's just... every time I try to pick up a serious endeavor in something I like, it turns sour. It happens quickly, within just a few weeks/months. It feels like life wants to give me stuff to be happy about and interested in, but will then suck out the happiness and interest once I bite the bait. It happened to me wanting to learn the guitar, me wanting to work on ANNs, and me wanting to start learning to make digital art. I'm tired of trying to find that next thing that works.

You're so smart, Kid! I can tell your future is just as bright as can be. Someone as articulate and self-aware and curious as you...you have a great, great future ahead of you. I'm interested in why you feel like your interests turn sour. Do you feel as if you fail? Or, do you just become disillusioned with the thing you once enjoyed? Or, is it a question of opportunity or access to said pursuits? I wish I had had the kind of foresight you have: all these intellectual interests. Try not to feel so badly about not being able to explore each and every avenue to the fullest; you're in school, and despite what people say, you don't have that much freedom. The fact that you are discovering areas that interest you -- that's why people go to college. That's exactly what you SHOULD be doing. I wish you weren't so hard on yourself. And, even more, I wish I were as talented as you. I'd feel GRRRRRRREAT about myself if I had what you have. :) Keep note of your areas of interest, reach out to people in those fields to learn, and know that you will have more wiggle room after you graduate. It sounds like your school is very competitive. I imagine your major alone is quite competitive. I wish you could see your life from the way I see it.

 

[RM5998]

You're so smart, Kid! I can tell your future is just as bright as can be. Someone as articulate and self-aware and curious as you...you have a great, great future ahead of you. I'm interested in why you feel like your interests turn sour. Do you feel as if you fail? Or, do you just become disillusioned with the thing you once enjoyed? Or, is it a question of opportunity or access to said pursuits? I wish I had had the kind of foresight you have: all these intellectual interests. Try not to feel so badly about not being able to explore each and every avenue to the fullest; you're in school, and despite what people say, you don't have that much freedom. The fact that you are discovering areas that interest you -- that's why people go to college. That's exactly what you SHOULD be doing. I wish you weren't so hard on yourself. And, even more, I wish I were as talented as you. I'd feel GRRRRRRREAT about myself if I had what you have. :) Keep note of your areas of interest, reach out to people in those fields to learn, and know that you will have more wiggle room after you graduate. It sounds like your school is very competitive. I imagine your major alone is quite competitive. I wish you could see your life from the way I see it.

Thanks for the encouragement, it really means a lot to hear that.

Yeah, CS is pretty competitive in terms of both academics and the job market. I'm slightly above average here in terms of my results, but only slightly. Job prospects thus don't look quite good, since students from other branches of engineering compete with us for the same jobs (here, every single college student who is interested in getting a job learns how to code).

About my interests turning sour... well, every time I pick up a project, finishing it makes me feel... empty. It doesn't feel good, or bad, or even average, just... there's nothing at all. A sense of failure, or of lost interest, would still be better than this nothingness. And that makes it really hard to try to invest myself into anything, since it ends up leaving me with no idea where to go next.

There was this one time that I spent about a month building a 12-foot long 3D model of this:

Backed up by a poster with this (that was about 8 feet X 12 feet):

And the result was... IDK actually. I don't even know what to think about it. The worst part is, nobody else knew what we were supposed to be doing, so no one could say whether we had gotten what we wanted out of the endeavor.

We destroyed the whole thing when we were done, and I still felt nothing. It was as if the work had lost its power to do something to me. And just a year before that, I had started drawing again for fun, and had been enjoying it.

I don't want to try to find something else that interests me anymore. That sense of emptiness hurts a lot, and that's part of why I ended up cutting. I don't want to find something interesting and have it become meaningless again.

 

[azucaramargo]

Oh, man! What incredible talent! Your poster and your 3D model are BEAUTIFUL. I'm so sorry you don't see what I see; that must be so painful! I wonder if that nothingness you describe is your feeling unchallenged (?) by the new interests? I've heard that extremely intelligent people (i.e., you) get bored very easily, and I wondered whether that was contributing to the feeling of nothingness.

That's cah-RAZY that virtually everyone at your school is being taught to code. I appreciate your sharing that bit about your school -- just to know what the young folks are doing now. That really makes things difficult for the CS students. I hope you're keeping a portfolio of these projects. It's such a terrible shame that you don't feel prouder of what you have accomplished. You're really talented.

I'd say you and your team --especially with such a lack of guidance -- knocked it out of the park on your 3D model. So, you are a good writer, a good artist, technically gifted, AND you work well with others. You sound like a dream employee. I wish someone were there to relieve you of your cutting implements. It's a crime you don't feel better about your talent.

 

[RM5998]

Oh, man! What incredible talent! Your poster and your 3D model are BEAUTIFUL. I'm so sorry you don't see what I see; that must be so painful! I wonder if that nothingness you describe is your feeling unchallenged (?) by the new interests? I've heard that extremely intelligent people (i.e., you) get bored very easily, and I wondered whether that was contributing to the feeling of nothingness.

That's cah-RAZY that virtually everyone at your school is being taught to code. I appreciate your sharing that bit about your school -- just to know what the young folks are doing now. That really makes things difficult for the CS students. I hope you're keeping a portfolio of these projects. It's such a terrible shame that you don't feel prouder of what you have accomplished. You're really talented.

I'd say you and your team --especially with such a lack of guidance -- knocked it out of the park on your 3D model. So, you are a good writer, a good artist, technically gifted, AND you work well with others. You sound like a dream employee. I wish someone were there to relieve you of your cutting implements. It's a crime you don't feel better about your talent.

Just to be clear, we didn't make those - we made IRL versions of those. And yeah, it was painful. They were pretty close to the versions shown. However, in terms of visual impressiveness, it's normal for artwork that gets put up on our campus at the time (for the cultural fest). The subject was odd (who even remembers the Pokemon core series these days), but the quality was average for what the campus had for the time. And we weren't exactly novices, we were just slightly less experienced and organized (okay, much less organized).

It's hard to express what I feel. I guess indifference is probably a better word than nothingness. It's as if what I've done no longer means anything, and might as well be non-existent. There was this certain sense of obstinate determination that I had before, but that's disappeared now. I can't understand whether the piece was good or not, what could have been changed, and what worked.

P.S. Contrary to perception, coding doesn't need skill - it needs patience and effort even when there's no sign of a result, and I am incapable of giving that to a task now. And whatever little skill I have in that is at the 'slightly above average' point. If and when I get to an interview, all I am is a less committed version of an average employee, who can be trained faster, but gives only a slightly better output than the rest of the group.

EDIT: This is what we made. Yeah, the angle is bad, but that's kinda what it ended up looking like after 4 days of being hung up. The painting at the back is 7 feet tall, and the model in front is around 12-13 feet long and 8 feet tall.. The wall at the back is around 18 feet tall, and the yellow part goes on till 15 feet from the ground.

 

[azucaramargo]

Wow. I can't imagine the kind of competitive environment in which you're surviving, and even thriving. Your view of yourself and how you think you stack up makes me so sad: someone as gifted as you feeling so crappy and ordinary. Also, I'm kind of pissed off about how your school handles mental-health care. Consulting one of your profs or your PEERS?!? That is just nuts. When I came to this site, I never expected to find people who were so successful (i.e., you). I really think you are wrong about interviewers perceiving you as only "slightly" a cut above. I also really doubt that your eloquence and thoughtfulness -- in addition to your technical prowess -- do not make you stand out amidst other candidates. I wish you could see yourself in a more accurate light. You should be proud as a peacock.

 

[GloomySunday79]

I work because the other option is being homeless. I am not at optional function even though I'm very determined to do my job well. I was above "just getting the job done" before depression. Once I'm home I'm nonfunctional. I don't want to clean house or do anything with other humans. I live alone and keep to myself

 

[samhelloall9]

not so much depressed as just going through the motions. life seems to follow patterns that i see which is boring. also, i have my fears, phobias that are natural. mostly heights, anxiety, etc. i just take each day at a time, but i'm not depressed, i'm more just disappointed that life is not the ideal thing i would like it to be.
that's why i just go through the motions, im usually just daydreaming. you know?

 

[NOISYMIND]

I've spent most of the time in bed for two weeks now.

I don't leave my room. I don't eat because I don't feel like it, unless my dad makes some food and brings it to my room. I don't shower until I feel like I need to. I do nothing but sleeping, being on my phone and thinking about CTB.

I think this sounds quite low-functioning?