kinzokukae
get me out of here
- Apr 30, 2020
- 155
i have two exit plans. one, the far less complicated one, is to successfully CTB before august ends. i wish it was that easy though. i've tried partial time and time again, only for it to never work. i don't think i've even ever passed out from it. and since all my prior attempts have failed, i get discouraged from trying again whenever i have the opportunity since i know it's not going to work anyway.
then there's my other plan - which is far more complicated, gets other people involved and is probably less likely to succeed, no matter how much research i do ahead of time. basically, i'd leave my home and stay with a friend that lives pretty far away, and eventually cross to belgium, hopefully make a friend before i go there and stay with them while i apply for euthanasia.
it's so fucking terrifying - why the fuck is it so hard to die? why does the body struggle so much? why must SI exist to keep our bodies alive despite how much our head hurts. it's ridiculous. what's worse is that if i don't CTB by august, i'll probably be too scared to go through with my next plan for fear of it failing, and my mother finding out. i don't want to have responsibilities. i can't deal with them. why can't i just fucking leave this world so i don't have to do any fucking thing.
then there's my other plan - which is far more complicated, gets other people involved and is probably less likely to succeed, no matter how much research i do ahead of time. basically, i'd leave my home and stay with a friend that lives pretty far away, and eventually cross to belgium, hopefully make a friend before i go there and stay with them while i apply for euthanasia.
it's so fucking terrifying - why the fuck is it so hard to die? why does the body struggle so much? why must SI exist to keep our bodies alive despite how much our head hurts. it's ridiculous. what's worse is that if i don't CTB by august, i'll probably be too scared to go through with my next plan for fear of it failing, and my mother finding out. i don't want to have responsibilities. i can't deal with them. why can't i just fucking leave this world so i don't have to do any fucking thing.