Venting I'm so ashamed of failing

[VoidBlessed]

I've been wanting to CTB since I was 10, and that was a long time ago. I've really been ramping it up in the last 2 months, my method of choice is hanging. It's lethal, quick, and the best chance of success I've got since there's no way I can get a gun. I've tried over a hundred times in the past few months alone, and I keep giving up and I feel so incredibly ashamed of it.

It only ever hurts like hell. I don't pass out, my head just feels like it's going to explode and I start retching from my throat being forced closed. I tried full suspension on Monday and that was probably the most pain I've ever been in so I gave up almost immediately.

I admire people who have CTB so much because of the raw bravery it takes to face the biggest fear any living being is programmed to have and still go through with it. I want to be that brave, that strong, and I hate the fact that I'm not. Every time it hurts, I fold. I think of my bed, and food, and think "Let's just go home again" and every time I do exactly that. I know I have to just white-knuckle the pain but I don't know if I'll ever be brave enough to kick the stool away after I've stepped off it. I hate being alive but I'm starting to hate myself even more.

 

[Death is my goal]

no sn?

 

[VoidBlessed]

no sn?

I have a very sensitive stomach so I'm afraid I'll just throw it up before I can absorb enough of it. If it fails, I'm pretty screwed as it's difficult to hide a failed poisoning. A failed hanging is easy to hide with just a scarf for a few days, if it even leaves a mark at all.

 

[TragedyBornCrimson]

I have tried suspension hanging as well, it was just painful as I couldn't get myself to pass out. And my eyes became bloody due to the pressure causing vessels in my eyes to burst.

 

[FuneralCry]

Personally I find it so dreadful how it's so difficult to be permanently free from this existence, I see so much cruelty in how the option of painless, guaranteed death is denied, it'd bring me so much relief to simply be able to die in peace, I understand just wishing to be free from it all, I also hate existing but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[savory]

Are you set on hanging as a method for some reason? Have you read about the night-night method? https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/the-night-night-method-mega-thread.6834/ The ratchet or tape doesn't have to be very tight and pressure is focused on pads against your carotids, not your throat or trachea. So you'll still be able to breath and there shouldn't be any pain near to what you've been experiencing with hanging.

 

[VoidBlessed]

Are you set on hanging as a method for some reason? Have you read about the night-night method? https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/the-night-night-method-mega-thread.6834/ The ratchet or tape doesn't have to be very tight and pressure is focused on pads against your carotids, not your throat or trachea. So you'll still be able to breath and there shouldn't be any pain near to what you've been experiencing with hanging.

I did check that out and might try it out, but I suppose I also want to do hanging because it's the traditional (?) thing to do. It's been done for thousands of years and even teenagers have managed it, I guess I want to do the brave thing for once in my life.

 

[finishLana]

SN in acid resistant enteric capsules. AE and sleeping pill first, then enteric capsules when sleeping pill starts working. Capsules pass stomach and release in intestine 1-2h after intake.

 

[savory]

I did check that out and might try it out, but I suppose I also want to do hanging because it's the traditional (?) thing to do. It's been done for thousands of years and even teenagers have managed it, I guess I want to do the brave thing for once in my life.

I get that. Seems we all have one 'hang up' or another when it comes to suicide. My major one is what others may think of me for committing suicide at all. I recall another user remarking they sometimes feel "weak" for not wanting to use a gun. All of our minds, resources, and situations are different.

As much as it sucks I think utlimately we have to give up some amount of control over the details in order to CTB. Altering our plans or coming up with a new plan entirely seems almost inevitable, also some people deciding they just aren't ready. 100 attempts within a few months, and painful attempts at that, sounds awful. I'm sorry you're struggling and suffering as much.

 

[VoidBlessed]

I get that. Seems we all have one 'hang up' or another when it comes to suicide. My major one is what others may think of me for committing suicide at all. I recall another user remarking they sometimes feel "weak" for not wanting to use a gun. All of our minds, resources, and situations are different.

As much as it sucks I think utlimately we have to give up some amount of control over the details in order to CTB. Altering our plans or coming up with a new plan entirely seems almost inevitable, also some people deciding they just aren't ready. 100 attempts within a few months, and painful attempts at that, sounds awful. I'm sorry you're struggling and suffering as much.

Thanks for the encouraging words :) I think I'm also hung up (no pun intended) on the imagery of a "proper" suicide. It's probably part of being a writer and artist that I need it to look a certain way.

You're right though, suicide involves letting go. Things we still wanted to do, things we wanted to see, and I guess that includes how we thought we'd die.

 

[Harris]

Me too, I just feel like a total failure in life in every way possible.

 

[nogods4me]

There is no shame in failed attempts at ctb. It is already somewhat heroic just to be able to try.