i believe i have a true self, that this body i currently am conscious in is just an avatar for said true self to experience a conscious experience. why? i think that it was to test itself whether or not it would stay true to its foundationalised humanity or give in to the temptations and perversions of the world. i, its avatar, gave in to the temptations and let them consume me. when presented with my own humanity (sermon on the mount), i rejected it in favour of being a dick, jerk and a fucking dummy. i am salt thats lost its savour. it didnt have to be this way tho. i could've accepted my humanity last last yr, especially when my circumstance wouldve supported me and helped me. so to get to the point, my true self (my god) most likely does hate me, and it most likely does want to humiliate me and punish me. tho it doesnt need to do anything as the causes and effects of my actions for the past 2 yrs are enough of a humiliation ritual.
i have only myself to blame for my circumstance. but oh well. im ctbing soon and am going to commit the second death as soon as. you win some, you lose some. i lost the game of mortal life. i cant say that i wasn't given a fair opportunity to not lose it. i cant say i wasnt given opportunity after opportunity, chance after chance to change my ways and avert my current circumstance. but i was just so blinded by my arrogance and pride and stupidity.
and for judgement day, i guess for me imo, all it would be is having a perfect remembrance of my rebellion against my humanity, or having a perfect recollection of this incarnate exactly how it played out, and the punishment is a guilty prickly conscience knowing that i failed to live up to my own humanity and got so easily sidetracked by the lusts and perversions of this world. but all that guilt and shame evaporates with the second death.
sorry for ruining ur thread with my schizo rant.