I'm not going to kill myself

[Elri]

I'm signing out so i keep it short. I just had the longest day and I'm terrified. I took a nap and i saw the most gore vivid dream ever. I've never seen a dream so real almost not sure if it was a dream or something like a flash forward that i never experienced.
I'm not religious. I've grown up atheist and no one ever forced me a religion or anything. With that being said these things thay I'm going to tell you are not something i fantasy about or even think about daily.
I fell asleep and i never fall sleep in this hour it was a nap but i was almost conscious. I saw my dad who killed himself in the age of 32 alone in our old house. I was always hopeful to have a dream about him but he never seemed to care. But today I've seen him and it wasn't the best shape ever. Not good at all. He was rotten and gory, one of his eyes was bulging out. I recognized him immediately but his face was almost unrecognizable. His evil father (my grandfather who took all of our money after his death and got cancer and died shortly after) was by his side but his body looked normal unlike him he looked pissed af tho. i was terrified to see my dad like this i couldn't bear it i was hoping to run away and never see him again like this ever in that moment i didn't even miss him i was just thinking about myself. Anyways he seemed like he was trying to tell me something his hand was pointing at me while the only thing coming out of his mouth was agony moaning sound. he was trying so hard. He looked so hopeless and alone even tho his dad was by his side. He looked fucking pathetic. and there's a few other people behind him that I've never seen and they were mostly elderly. One old skinny man with a hanged neck position, one middle age woman in a wheelchair and others that i don't remember. It was a short experience but felt like it took forever every second of it was terrifying and filled with the most lonely , cold , hopeless vibes ever. i just wanted to quit asap. i woke up super scared i couldn't get myself to turn on the lights the lonely feeling was still there like i was there on my bed suffering but no one could hear me. I managed to shout my mom to come and turn on the lights cause i just saw hell. No one came , my sisters room is next to mine and mom's is a little further but it's not too long to not hear me shouting. I stand up and just run to her room at this point i really thought i probably OD'd in my room and I'm actually dead. But i just seen my mom's surprised face that i woke her up. I just told her what i saw and i didn't even care i just wanted someone to get me out of this deep gore lonely feeling. I told her everything and i just called it a nightmare but something's fucking with my mind and that's when my mom said my dad was the 9th person who died by suicide in his family . I thought it made sense , those other people who were standing behind him? They were around 8-10 people too. One of them was hanged. Idk but didn't know shit about other relatives who did this before him in his family and they were all in that terrifying condition in my sleep. I've been thinking about it ever since and his face and agony doesn't leave my fucking head. I don't want to end up like him. Even if it was a nightmare even if it's hallucinations I can't ignore what i felt in those moments some feeling that i never experienced in my human being life. Very dark heavy hopeless lonely feeling. Call me crazy but i think after getting serious about taking cyanide he came and showed me a little of his misery , he put me in his position for a few seconds and i couldn't take it. In that moment all of my physical human life problems felt unimportant and ridiculous. I'm still crying. He must be in so much pain all these years alone. idk . No one will ever know what's in that other side but maybe what they say about suicide souls being lost is true. I can't take that risk. My life still sucks but compared to that feeling it's NOTHING. i don't wish it to my enemy. i don't want to be in a time freeze stand by situation in my bed where i perhaps was going to die till infinity.
I thought to maybe state my reason before leaving .Thanks for reading this I'm leaving now i hope we all find peace and a way to enjoy this life and hopefully die naturally faster. I'm so sorry i love you all

 

[PeacefulTonic]

Does anyone else find this poster a bit sus or is it just me?

Previous posts you talk about wanting to ctb with SN with 100% certainty. Then last night you randomly post a thread about some cyanide source showing you a video of him killing a chicken in 3 seconds with it, along with a screenshot of the chicken(the thread is gone now). And now you make this long post, how you thinking about cyanide, caused you to have this crazy dream about your dad, and now you're scared to ctb cause you're afraid of being in some type of suicide soul limbo? Either I'm overly paranoid lately about new members, or something seems off

 

[Elri]

Does anyone else find this poster a bit sus or is it just me?

Previous posts you talk about wanting to ctb with SN with 100% certainty. Then last night you randomly post a thread about some cyanide source showing you a video of him killing a chicken in 3 seconds with it, along with a screenshot of the chicken(the thread is gone now). And now you make this long post, how you thinking about cyanide, caused you to have this crazy dream about your dad, and now you're scared to ctb cause you're afraid of being in some type of suicide soul limbo? Either I'm overly paranoid lately about new members, or something seems off

That post got reported. I am still suicidal but i was never scared and now i am extremely scared i can send you my dads memorial picture infront of me in our hallway if that's what you want. I gain nothing from this thread anyways. SS helped me to understand I'm not alone in this i also found some good friends but i chose to not do this because I'm not sure if it's going to be nothingness or like that dream. Have a good day i am sorry if this offended you in anyway

 

[PeacefulTonic]

The post didn't offend me. It just came across as strange to me. There's been a bunch of weird shit going on lately that doesn't make sense so I'm overly paranoid

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Does anyone else find this poster a bit sus or is it just me?

Previous posts you talk about wanting to ctb with SN with 100% certainty. Then last night you randomly post a thread about some cyanide source showing you a video of him killing a chicken in 3 seconds with it, along with a screenshot of the chicken(the thread is gone now). And now you make this long post, how you thinking about cyanide, caused you to have this crazy dream about your dad, and now you're scared to ctb cause you're afraid of being in some type of suicide soul limbo? Either I'm overly paranoid lately about new members, or something seems off

I skimmed to answer quickly, there isn't anything sus here.

Many are paranoid about newer members lately so you're not alone. I can confirm Elri's side adds up, and their feelings too, because I've seen some of their other posts.

 

[Interloper]

Does anyone else find this poster a bit sus or is it just me?

Previous posts you talk about wanting to ctb with SN with 100% certainty. Then last night you randomly post a thread about some cyanide source showing you a video of him killing a chicken in 3 seconds with it, along with a screenshot of the chicken(the thread is gone now). And now you make this long post, how you thinking about cyanide, caused you to have this crazy dream about your dad, and now you're scared to ctb cause you're afraid of being in some type of suicide soul limbo? Either I'm overly paranoid lately about new members, or something seems off

I think she just reached her breaking point, something that we will all react differently to(be it some sort of epiphany, a final cry for help, hopping on the bus, ...). All of us here are troubled in some way and that will shape our reaction. She registered before the NYT stuff I think.

 

[PeacefulTonic]

I think she just reached her breaking point, something that we will all react differently to(be it some sort of epiphany, a final cry for help, hopping on the bus, ...). All of us here are troubled in some way and that will shape our reaction. She registered before the NYT stuff I think.

And so did Harriet. Look who that turned out to be.

I find it strange how a supposed 19 year old girl who's intent on ctbing with SN, randomly decides to change her method to cyanide, and somehow has a source for it. And then has a dream because she thinks her dad's soul somehow thought "oh no, not cyanide", and now is scared to ctb cause of fear of being in some suicide soul limbo

Am I the only one that finds this strange?

 

[Snake of Eden]

I too saw a different type of dream that made me rethink ctb. It wasnt anything scary. It was actually very positive. Just what I needed. I grown up to have resilience to fear mongering because of religious upbringing. Dreaming of hellish afterlife is not going to deter me. I needed something positive. And like you I have enough good reason to think this is not just a hallucination or some dream my subconscious conjured up to keep me from suicide. I am not claiming it is for sure supernatural but it felt so real and also illogical that my mind will just make it up because of personal reasons i cant explain. I wish the best for us wether ctb or not

And so did Harriet. Look who that turned out to be.

I find it strange how a supposed 19 year old girl who's intent on ctbing with SN, randomly decides to change her method to cyanide, and somehow has a source for it. And then has a dream because she thinks her dad's soul somehow thought "oh no, not cyanide", and now is scared to ctb cause of fear of being in some suicide soul limbo

Am I the only one that finds this strange?

No you are not. It does sound little sus if I am being honest but just pointing that out the way you did is enough to somewhat put her story in context in case someone else finds it inspiring they should take it with little grain of salt

 

[Suicidebydeath]

And so did Harriet. Look who that turned out to be.

I find it strange how a supposed 19 year old girl who's intent on ctbing with SN, randomly decides to change her method to cyanide, and somehow has a source for it. And then has a dream because she thinks her dad's soul somehow thought "oh no, not cyanide", and now is scared to ctb cause of fear of being in some suicide soul limbo

Am I the only one that finds this strange?

It's really not that strange. Everyone has dreams and emotions. Remember everyone is different too.

Elri's posts are backed up by a legitimate thread. There's also no political story here. There's no gain or loss.

 

[4eyebiped]

I see no problem with someone changing their stance on ending their life, regardless of the reason. I am sure it has happened numerous times before to some here and I hope many others find ways of resolving their issues and change their minds as well. I hope the OP has more visions, if that what it takes, to overcome their other issues that they may still be dealing with. I prefer to see someone find potential joy in their lives and give joy to those near them than I do seeing them "finish the job."

Whether she is fake or not, is irrelevant to me as I do not recall the OP trying to change anyone, convert someone, or whatever else that might be deemed wrong here. I do not read all threads though and not familiar with others like Harriet that is mentioned above.

Anyways, best wishes to you.

 

[pole]

what you're describing seems intense. can only imagine how you felt waking up.

for others feeling skeptical about someone going back on their decision, we should respect it and not argue or debate their intentions.

wanting to take your life is a complex decision. it should be rethought multiple times and is tough as is. we've always had members commit to CTB, but change their mind for several reasons, and we should respect those reasons.

part of being a pro-choice forum is having the choice of wanting to go, as well as having the choice to decide that you don't want to go at all. and we should respect that person's decision, even if you struggle to understand it.

again, out of respect for OP, please refrain from derailing the thread and turning this into an argument. if you feel the need to be negative, refrain from POSTING AT ALL AND IGNORE THE THREAD.

OP, i hope you find peace in life and things turn around for you.

 

[Pluto]

In near-death studies, hellacious reports are in the minority. Many suicide NDEs are no different to non-suicide experiences. Even when it is experienced, hell is temporary (unlike various religious claims) and is a state of mind rather than a location. NDE researcher Kevin Williams says:

...when we die, we "step into" the inner spirit realm we have cultivated within us our entire life. And because time does not exist in the spirit realms, a person's stay in these realms can seem like an eternity or a second. ...The way out of these hellish realms is to have a willingness to see the light and seek love. Eventually, like prodigal sons, every suffering soul in these hellish realms will see the light and heaven.

Hell and the Near-Death Experience - Near-Death Experiences and the Afterlife

Near-Death Experiences and the Afterlife profiles Hell and the Near-Death Experience . Did you enjoy reading this post, we have more!

near-death.com

 

[Elri]

And so did Harriet. Look who that turned out to be.

I find it strange how a supposed 19 year old girl who's intent on ctbing with SN, randomly decides to change her method to cyanide, and somehow has a source for it. And then has a dream because she thinks her dad's soul somehow thought "oh no, not cyanide", and now is scared to ctb cause of fear of being in some suicide soul limbo

Am I the only one that finds this strange?

I would call something suspicious when there comes a gain or loss from it. I didn't even encourage anyone to my decision. I live in a country where potassium cyanide isn't hard to find i even paid the source. I was selfish enough to even die in day light in our new apartment and make everyone live with this after me. I didn't give a shit i still don't but i saw something that made me feel terrified enough to stop me from a long planned decision. I'm typing this while under blanket and my mom is besides me on the same bed cause i asked her, I'm 19 but I'm too scared to sleep alone this night. I can't forget what i saw. You may be cruel enough to call it weird shit or sus but i saw my dad after 15 years like that. i more than anyone don't want to believe that shit I'm even more traumatized now. I'm going therapy tomorrow . i shared my rant before i leave and this is bothering you as if I'm getting money from your views please have some empathy or just shut up ffs I'm tired enough

 

[Snake of Eden]

I would call something suspicious when there comes a gain or loss from it. I didn't even encourage anyone to my decision. I live in a country where potassium cyanide isn't hard to find i even paid the source. I was selfish enough to even die in day light in our new apartment and make everyone live with this after me. I didn't give a shit i still don't but i saw something that made me feel terrified enough to stop me from a long planned decision. I'm typing this while under planket and my mom is besides me on the same bed cause i asked her, I'm 19 but I'm too scared to sleep alone this night. I can't forget what i saw. You may be cruel enough to call it weird shit or sus but i saw my dad after 15 years like that. i more than anyone don't want to believe that shit I'm even more traumatized now. I'm going therapy tomorrow . i shared my rant before i leave and this is bothering you as if I'm getting money from your views please have some empathy or just shut up ffs I'm tired enough

We couldn't have been happier for you that you are scared off being suicided by your unsuspicious dream. No one is calling you out by pointing that you intitially wanted to ctb with SN but somehow in relation to your dream it was turned into cynaide. I am sure everyone has empathy for you but it doesnt mean they can not poke holes in your story especially when you wish everyone to just live happy lives (as if that is always possible) and die natural deaths (as if people can help it). We wish you the same and nothing but the best.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I would call something suspicious when there comes a gain or loss from it. I didn't even encourage anyone to my decision. I live in a country where potassium cyanide isn't hard to find i even paid the source. I was selfish enough to even die in day light in our new apartment and make everyone live with this after me. I didn't give a shit i still don't but i saw something that made me feel terrified enough to stop me from a long planned decision. I'm typing this while under blanket and my mom is besides me on the same bed cause i asked her, I'm 19 but I'm too scared to sleep alone this night. I can't forget what i saw. You may be cruel enough to call it weird shit or sus but i saw my dad after 15 years like that. i more than anyone don't want to believe that shit I'm even more traumatized now. I'm going therapy tomorrow . i shared my rant before i leave and this is bothering you as if I'm getting money from your views please have some empathy or just shut up ffs I'm tired enough

As someone who has recurring nightmares (from PTSD) as well as some crazy dreams. With PTSD nightmares they have a big impact on my mood when I wake up in the morning, they definitely affect how I feel. Also I have nightmares/dream about my family constantly. Your nightmare sounds absolutely comparably horrifying to me. What you wrote is perfectly understandable to me.

Nobody can control what they dream about either, but often its something relevant to what you were doing in the previous day.

I hope you have a good recovery.

 

[wanttogetonthebus]

And so did Harriet. Look who that turned out to be.

I find it strange how a supposed 19 year old girl who's intent on ctbing with SN, randomly decides to change her method to cyanide, and somehow has a source for it. And then has a dream because she thinks her dad's soul somehow thought "oh no, not cyanide", and now is scared to ctb cause of fear of being in some suicide soul limbo

Am I the only one that finds this strange?

I did find changing the method from SN to cyanide to be strange considering how both are quite lethal yet cyanide is much harder to obtain, less peaceful, and isn't even a faster method either from my knowledge. But I also had the feeling too that if OP is genuine, OP may have been feeling suicidal the way many people do, but does not actually want or intend to go through successfully with CTB. After all, I think for most everyone, it's the most difficult decision that one can make. OP seemed quite unsure of herself and her method from the start, but I could still believe her account is genuine. I don't know though.

 

[Elri]

We couldn't have been happier for you that you are scared off being suicided by your unsuspicious dream. No one is calling you out by pointing that you intitially wanted to ctb with SN but somehow in relation to your dream it was turned into cynaide. I am sure everyone has empathy for you but it doesnt mean they can not poke holes in your story especially when you wish everyone to just live happy lives (as if that is always possible) and die natural deaths (as if people can help it). We wish you the same and nothing but the best.

What wish can be better to a suicidal person who's barely holding on that they're going to die in a natural way soon, most of us that are not 6ft under the ground are struggling with SL so that would be a gift to die already. you're overanalyzing because you think I'm perhaps a pro lifer but i don't promote shit it's a rant. With 0 profit for me.
About the method i said it several times that SN was going to be my method and Cyanide was plan B incase i was saved. If you're gonna be investigating Gadget at least read my posts completely. Peace out

 

[Elri]

As someone who has recurring nightmares (from PTSD) as well as some crazy dreams. With PTSD nightmares they have a big impact on my mood when I wake up in the morning, they definitely affect how I feel. Also I have nightmares/dream about my family constantly. Your nightmare sounds absolutely comparably horrifying to me. What you wrote is perfectly understandable to me.

Nobody can control what they dream about either, but often its something relevant to what you were doing in the previous day.

I hope you have a good recovery.

Thank you i hope you recover as well (if you choose) and PTSD is evil i understand.you best wishes xoxo

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I did find changing the method from SN to cyanide to be strange considering how both are quite lethal yet cyanide is much harder to obtain, less peaceful, and isn't even a faster method either from my knowledge. But I also had the feeling too that if OP is genuine, OP may have been feeling suicidal the way many people do, but does not actually want or intend to go through successfully with CTB. After all, I think for most everyone, it's the most difficult decision that one can make. OP seemed quite unsure of herself and her method from the start, but I could still believe her account is genuine. I don't know though.

Talking about different topics/methods is a way of passing the time or coping with deep feelings for some people. It could also be a way of reaching out for help and support, as you say it may be that on some subconscious level the person is unsure about ctb.

I'm not seeing a political aspect to this. Lots of people talk about different methods, some methods might not make sense to one person but another person would consider it the right choice for them for whatever reason.

 

[…juulpod…]

I'm signing out so i keep it short. I just had the longest day and I'm terrified. I took a nap and i saw the most gore vivid dream ever. I've never seen a dream so real almost not sure if it was a dream or something like a flash forward that i never experienced.
I'm not religious. I've grown up atheist and no one ever forced me a religion or anything. With that being said these things thay I'm going to tell you are not something i fantasy about or even think about daily.
I fell asleep and i never fall sleep in this hour it was a nap but i was almost conscious. I saw my dad who killed himself in the age of 32 alone in our old house. I was always hopeful to have a dream about him but he never seemed to care. But today I've seen him and it wasn't the best shape ever. Not good at all. He was rotten and gory, one of his eyes was bulging out. I recognized him immediately but his face was almost unrecognizable. His evil father (my grandfather who took all of our money after his death and got cancer and died shortly after) was by his side but his body looked normal unlike him he looked pissed af tho. i was terrified to see my dad like this i couldn't bear it i was hoping to run away and never see him again like this ever in that moment i didn't even miss him i was just thinking about myself. Anyways he seemed like he was trying to tell me something his hand was pointing at me while the only thing coming out of his mouth was agony moaning sound. he was trying so hard. He looked so hopeless and alone even tho his dad was by his side. He looked fucking pathetic. and there's a few other people behind him that I've never seen and they were mostly elderly. One old skinny man with a hanged neck position, one middle age woman in a wheelchair and others that i don't remember. It was a short experience but felt like it took forever every second of it was terrifying and filled with the most lonely , cold , hopeless vibes ever. i just wanted to quit asap. i woke up super scared i couldn't get myself to turn on the lights the lonely feeling was still there like i was there on my bed suffering but no one could hear me. I managed to shout my mom to come and turn on the lights cause i just saw hell. No one came , my sisters room is next to mine and mom's is a little further but it's not too long to not hear me shouting. I stand up and just run to her room at this point i really thought i probably OD'd in my room and I'm actually dead. But i just seen my mom's surprised face that i woke her up. I just told her what i saw and i didn't even care i just wanted someone to get me out of this deep gore lonely feeling. I told her everything and i just called it a nightmare but something's fucking with my mind and that's when my mom said my dad was the 9th person who died by suicide in his family . I thought it made sense , those other people who were standing behind him? They were around 8-10 people too. One of them was hanged. Idk but didn't know shit about other relatives who did this before him in his family and they were all in that terrifying condition in my sleep. I've been thinking about it ever since and his face and agony doesn't leave my fucking head. I don't want to end up like him. Even if it was a nightmare even if it's hallucinations I can't ignore what i felt in those moments some feeling that i never experienced in my human being life. Very dark heavy hopeless lonely feeling. Call me crazy but i think after getting serious about taking cyanide he came and showed me a little of his misery , he put me in his position for a few seconds and i couldn't take it. In that moment all of my physical human life problems felt unimportant and ridiculous. I'm still crying. He must be in so much pain all these years alone. idk . No one will ever know what's in that other side but maybe what they say about suicide souls being lost is true. I can't take that risk. My life still sucks but compared to that feeling it's NOTHING. i don't wish it to my enemy. i don't want to be in a time freeze stand by situation in my bed where i perhaps was going to die till infinity.
I thought to maybe state my reason before leaving .Thanks for reading this I'm leaving now i hope we all find peace and a way to enjoy this life and hopefully die naturally faster. I'm so sorry i love you all

I hope you have a productive recovery and are able to have a beautiful life. This sounds so scary, I hope you are doing alright.

 

[supermario]

I've always believed in an afterlife, and that our consciousness continues after we die. Your dream kind of adds credence to this. I'm sorry you had to experience this, but at the same time, so glad it may be a turning point for you to try to get better in THIS life and not end up like your dad.

 

[liberty_222]

I'm signing out so i keep it short. I just had the longest day and I'm terrified. I took a nap and i saw the most gore vivid dream ever. I've never seen a dream so real almost not sure if it was a dream or something like a flash forward that i never experienced.
I'm not religious. I've grown up atheist and no one ever forced me a religion or anything. With that being said these things thay I'm going to tell you are not something i fantasy about or even think about daily.
I fell asleep and i never fall sleep in this hour it was a nap but i was almost conscious. I saw my dad who killed himself in the age of 32 alone in our old house. I was always hopeful to have a dream about him but he never seemed to care. But today I've seen him and it wasn't the best shape ever. Not good at all. He was rotten and gory, one of his eyes was bulging out. I recognized him immediately but his face was almost unrecognizable. His evil father (my grandfather who took all of our money after his death and got cancer and died shortly after) was by his side but his body looked normal unlike him he looked pissed af tho. i was terrified to see my dad like this i couldn't bear it i was hoping to run away and never see him again like this ever in that moment i didn't even miss him i was just thinking about myself. Anyways he seemed like he was trying to tell me something his hand was pointing at me while the only thing coming out of his mouth was agony moaning sound. he was trying so hard. He looked so hopeless and alone even tho his dad was by his side. He looked fucking pathetic. and there's a few other people behind him that I've never seen and they were mostly elderly. One old skinny man with a hanged neck position, one middle age woman in a wheelchair and others that i don't remember. It was a short experience but felt like it took forever every second of it was terrifying and filled with the most lonely , cold , hopeless vibes ever. i just wanted to quit asap. i woke up super scared i couldn't get myself to turn on the lights the lonely feeling was still there like i was there on my bed suffering but no one could hear me. I managed to shout my mom to come and turn on the lights cause i just saw hell. No one came , my sisters room is next to mine and mom's is a little further but it's not too long to not hear me shouting. I stand up and just run to her room at this point i really thought i probably OD'd in my room and I'm actually dead. But i just seen my mom's surprised face that i woke her up. I just told her what i saw and i didn't even care i just wanted someone to get me out of this deep gore lonely feeling. I told her everything and i just called it a nightmare but something's fucking with my mind and that's when my mom said my dad was the 9th person who died by suicide in his family . I thought it made sense , those other people who were standing behind him? They were around 8-10 people too. One of them was hanged. Idk but didn't know shit about other relatives who did this before him in his family and they were all in that terrifying condition in my sleep. I've been thinking about it ever since and his face and agony doesn't leave my fucking head. I don't want to end up like him. Even if it was a nightmare even if it's hallucinations I can't ignore what i felt in those moments some feeling that i never experienced in my human being life. Very dark heavy hopeless lonely feeling. Call me crazy but i think after getting serious about taking cyanide he came and showed me a little of his misery , he put me in his position for a few seconds and i couldn't take it. In that moment all of my physical human life problems felt unimportant and ridiculous. I'm still crying. He must be in so much pain all these years alone. idk . No one will ever know what's in that other side but maybe what they say about suicide souls being lost is true. I can't take that risk. My life still sucks but compared to that feeling it's NOTHING. i don't wish it to my enemy. i don't want to be in a time freeze stand by situation in my bed where i perhaps was going to die till infinity.
I thought to maybe state my reason before leaving .Thanks for reading this I'm leaving now i hope we all find peace and a way to enjoy this life and hopefully die naturally faster. I'm so sorry i love you all

I haven't known you too long but I've felt a connect to you. I just hope you stay safe and I'm so proud you made a decision that you are happy with. Lots of love and hugs to you bbg.

Does anyone else find this poster a bit sus or is it just me?

Previous posts you talk about wanting to ctb with SN with 100% certainty. Then last night you randomly post a thread about some cyanide source showing you a video of him killing a chicken in 3 seconds with it, along with a screenshot of the chicken(the thread is gone now). And now you make this long post, how you thinking about cyanide, caused you to have this crazy dream about your dad, and now you're scared to ctb cause you're afraid of being in some type of suicide soul limbo? Either I'm overly paranoid lately about new members, or something seems off

It's okay to change your mind?? She's still young?? It's okay to be scared and to not do something you didn't internally want to??

 

[dearlybeloved998]

I am saving this post. I've had the exact opposite dream today although while it happened I didn't think anything of it since I'm not very emotional. Might make a thread about it later.

Perhaps it was God, or The Universe, or Brahman, or whatever higher power you might believe in trying to make you realize that you shouldn't let your mental illness or current crisis delude you into thinking that there is no hope for recovery or some short of decent, better quality of life. Mental illness is a beast, be grateful you've had that dream, if it hadn't come you would have lost your life, possibly, a life worth living. I genuinely hope you get a peaceful and steady recovery. Wish you the best.

 

[supermario]

I am saving this post. I've had the exact opposite dream today although while it happened I didn't think anything of it since I'm not very emotional. Might make a thread about it later.

Perhaps it was God, or The Universe, or Brahman, or whatever higher power you might believe in trying to make you realize that you shouldn't let your mental illness or current crisis delude you into thinking that there is no hope for recovery or some short of decent, better quality of life. Mental illness is a beast, be grateful you've had that dream, if it hadn't come you would have lost your life, possibly, a life worth living. I genuinely hope you get a peaceful and steady recovery. Wish you the best.

Please share your story, I would be very interested in hearing about it.

 

[Midgardsorm]

@Elri dear, congrats on your recovery. I'm sorry it took you such a terrible experience.

You're still young and might have a beautiful life ahead of you. Fortunate are the ones who will get to spend their lives at your side.

It's a very big world, full of opportunities. Maybe something will fully heal you. Soothe your mind, I never heard of a cure for ptsd or something, but maybe there is and you will find it. If not, don't worry, many live happy and fulfilling lives despite the difficulties.

People like you is what this world needs. So we are victorious today. But you still suffer and you will need to address that, please, don't let it harm you further.

Thank you for being with us. Good luck on your journey now.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds terrifying what you had to experience, I'm sorry you had to go through this. I wish you the best whatever happens.

 

[wanttogetonthebus]

I also had some bad dreams last night, but I believe they were nightmares spawned by my SI. Nightmarish fantasies that represent my deepest fears and anxieties. Not representations of real people. The first dream was of a Caucasian male perhaps 30. He was a father and died of chronic illness that slowly was killing him. One day he collapsed in the bathroom hitting his head and nose against the edge of the sink causing it to bleed. He died. I saw his reflection in the mirror as he collapsed and his nose exploded. The next dream was like a scene out of a movie. Two high school Japanese girls were fighting to survive in some grinder or trash compactor with rotating crushing rollers. They fought for many minutes saving each other at the last second as the material around them was sucked into the rollers. Eventually though one of the girls manages to save the other by tossing her over the edge of the compactor which saved that girls life. The remaining girl in the compactor ends up losing consciousness though. Faceup she slowly sinks down into the rollers as her face dissapears beneath the material. Her face shows no emotion. Blood wells from beneath the grey material being crushed in the grinder and pools around her face as it sinks down. The rollers become stained with blood. Blood begins to pool everywhere and the grinder effectively comes to a halt as it becomes jammed with her body. It's a bloody mess. The girl who was saved is weeping the loss of her friend. Her friend died a horrendous death so she could live and she's in torment.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I think Elri/OP got scared away from the forum, at least for a while but I can't confirm that. It sucks and I hope that Liberty at least still able to get in touch with them. If she was still here she most likely would've reacted to Liberty's posts imo.

 

[Elri]

I think I'm getting mentally disturbed, crazy. my only solution and only hope to end my unsolvable problems were ctb, i could pass these days with that hope. and now I'm going to hell if i act on that? I don't know what to believe or what to do anymore i never did anything to deserve a lot of pain. If there is a god why did he take everything that i cared about so early? i have nothing left to live for anymore i look at myself and don't recognize myself it must be a nightmare that i am in in i am going to wake up from it tomorrow but i wake up and nothing's changed. god really broke my heart i never lived my life was nothing but suffering. depression, anxiety were enough to knock me out completely but now i am scared too. i don't want to tell these to a therapist or my family cause i never show my weak side in real life. but i can't even vent online cause someone's gonna call me fake or sus. venting doesn't help after all. it's pathetic. i want to live but i can't enjoy it i want to die but i could end up worse. What the fuck am i supposed to do fuck april 16 2002 . Fuck me

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I think I'm getting mentally disturbed, crazy. my only solution and only hope to end my unsolvable problems were ctb, i could pass these days with that hope. and now I'm going to hell if i act on that? I don't know what to believe or what to do anymore i never did anything to deserve a lot of pain. If there is a god why did he take everything that i cared about so early? i have nothing left to live for anymore i look at myself and don't recognize myself it must be a nightmare that i am in in i am going to wake up from it tomorrow but i wake up and nothing's changed. god really broke my heart i never lived my life was nothing but suffering. depression, anxiety were enough to knock me out completely but now i am scared too. i don't want to tell these to a therapist or my family cause i never show my weak side in real life. but i can't even vent online cause someone's gonna call me fake or sus. venting doesn't help after all. it's pathetic. i want to live but i can't enjoy it i want to die but i could end up worse. What the fuck am i supposed to do fuck april 16 2002 . Fuck me

I was just talking about this with someone, and my thought ended up being: I should try to be the best I can at something else instead.

I don't know if that's helpful to you or not. It was a spur of the moment thought I had. I still really feel for you about your situation, and nothing will change that it was a very unfair thing to happen to you, however it happened.