I'm in emotional turmoil everyday but I don't want to heal.

[LetMeGoPlease]

I just want someone to help me through my pain. I want someone to be present with me in my pain and help me regulate it.

I can't heal my "traumas" or whatever so that I'll be acceptable to people... I have abandonment issues and I struggle with heavy self-hate. And I don't want to be better so I can have "healthy relationships" whatever that means. I want someone who would be very happy to have a clingy girlfriend or friend, someone or more people who would love to spend lots of their time with me. I wish people understood me and woukd see through my storms so they could help guide me out.

I don't want to see one person 45min per week to pay them to change me into a more appropriate kind of a person to have any kind of relationship.

But no body agrees with me. Professionals act as if this is wrong, as if my desires are sick. I can't expect people to deal with my turmoil. And that makes me sooo depressed and terrified of life. And it makes me hate myself even more. And then I'm also called lazy and irresponsible because I don't want to "heal". What I want is what a broken person needs. Why is that so wrong? :(

I can't stand myself anymore. I can't stand this life anymore. I try and I try but I just get the message I am not made for this life everywhere I go. I hate it here.

I'm borderline and body dysmorphic and I'm a toxic monster. I hate everyone because they make me feel inferior amd because I can't get what I need from them. I want to be suffocated with love because I need it that much. I'm a broken case. The more you suffer in this world the worst people will treat you. And I need people so much :(

Fuck healing. I want people. And to be beautiful. Otherwise I want to die.

I know thus post is messy, thanks for reading anyway.

 

[Rayzieka]

I can say a lot about this but it would all be hypocrisy and I'm sure you've heard the support talk many times before.
So as long as you're still here- keep looking for that someone or many people as best you can. Hope you feel better.

 

[WornOutLife]

I'm so sorry you're going through all this.
Life can be really mean to us!

Send you lots of hugs and love and hope you can feel better soon!

See you around,

Matt

 

[FuneralCry]

It is part of being human to want to be cared for and to have support and it can send us into despair when we feel like we are lacking that, so I understand your pain. This life can be very cruel and our thoughts can torture us. I hope you find relief from your situation.