ctbcat
Experienced
- Jul 14, 2023
- 235
ever since i was a child i had a determinist die-by date, and i can't believe i'm going to prove it true.
what a fucking waste. i don't even believe in an afterlife or higher powers so this was all for fucking nothing. how sad. and i'm going to die forgotten as well, something i never actually wanted for myself. i'd archive things last minute but they'll only be listened to by the pigs anyway, or worse people of kin to me, and only misinterpreted. what's the point of being 'known' if you aren't understood.
i'm going to kill myself without having ever tried to leave my abusive/'dysfunctional' family beyond pussied out rough sleeping 'practices' or nights in the garage/'shed', and in what physical and cosmetic condition? oh, if there is actually a ghost to be left behind being immortalised this way is fucking terrible... not like i can go back anyway.
some fucker from my old high school killed himself a few days back. i found out through a fundraiser. he still had a life when he left. i could say a lot of things but i'll just say it makes me bitter - it should've been me. not because i think my death would get the same response; he got a big one and no one's going to know if i die beyond my family. but because there were so many more branches for him out there that i don't have and won't have. it's invalidating and if i knew his thoughts more intimately i might feel shit for saying that. but it's the way i see it right now. shouldn't have fucking died. this is the second time someone's died when i wanted to, and the first time it's been suicide. cosmic joke.
what a fucking waste. i don't even believe in an afterlife or higher powers so this was all for fucking nothing. how sad. and i'm going to die forgotten as well, something i never actually wanted for myself. i'd archive things last minute but they'll only be listened to by the pigs anyway, or worse people of kin to me, and only misinterpreted. what's the point of being 'known' if you aren't understood.
i'm going to kill myself without having ever tried to leave my abusive/'dysfunctional' family beyond pussied out rough sleeping 'practices' or nights in the garage/'shed', and in what physical and cosmetic condition? oh, if there is actually a ghost to be left behind being immortalised this way is fucking terrible... not like i can go back anyway.
some fucker from my old high school killed himself a few days back. i found out through a fundraiser. he still had a life when he left. i could say a lot of things but i'll just say it makes me bitter - it should've been me. not because i think my death would get the same response; he got a big one and no one's going to know if i die beyond my family. but because there were so many more branches for him out there that i don't have and won't have. it's invalidating and if i knew his thoughts more intimately i might feel shit for saying that. but it's the way i see it right now. shouldn't have fucking died. this is the second time someone's died when i wanted to, and the first time it's been suicide. cosmic joke.
