This is an unoriginal topic and a lot of the things I want to say have probably already been said by others. It's my first time posting even though I've been lurking in SaSu for a while. I don't expect anyone to read this, I am only writing it for my own sake. If you do want to read it though, I only intend to give context on my situation and remind myself of certain things that may help me with my decision to CTB.
Anyway, I have moments where I end up spiraling and returning to this train of thought, usually when something bad triggers it. However, today is an exception because it's self-inflicted. Whenever I'm bored or I find a minor reason to relapse, I end up relapsing and wallowing in my suffering. I'm quite self aware of my own habits but I refuse to stop myself because a part of me believes I should allow myself to keep deteriorating in order to convince myself to finally CTB.
I met someone who made a similar mental promise that they'd CTB before a certain age. They sounded very intent on it but they never pushed through, it was their X birthday just yesterday and they're alive. It made me think of my own promise because I'll end up starting a new life by the time my birthday comes around. It's just that I know that new beginning will only lead to more suffering and depression in the long run. It'll be a new chapter in my life where I'll feel some happiness sure, but I'll likely meet new people who'll leave and experience stuff that will fuck me over again just like how it's always been.
For some background context, my life isn't terrible. In fact, anyone with my circumstances can probably end up making better use of my life than me. I personally just believe that I'm one of those people who are unable to live. I can see meaning and the purpose that others find in life but I'm unable to be interested or do anything to make my own life meaningful. I thought I could when I was with my ex, when I was able to love someone enough to gain that desire to live. However, the relationship ended up becoming unhealthy so I left, tried finding other people, but to no avail. I have sympathy for my current partner because I had hoped I could live for their sake and regain the happiness I had before, yet I really haven't.
With that in mind, I wrote this hoping that it could serve as a reminder of why I should CTB and help me ease my fear of death. There are a handful of reasons I haven't CTB:
Firstly, while I do believe that people are bound to despise me and leave, I have to admit that there are several people in my life who would be extremely disturbed if I did CTB. I worry about my family, the good side. Although a lot of who I've become now and the trauma I deal with is because of them, I know that certain people in my family still care. I know it's a luxury that not most people have, including having friends who would also miss your presence. Like I mentioned earlier, my partner would also be affected by it, but my relationships and friendships are less of a concern because I'm convinced that they'll get over it eventually. I'm most worried for my siblings because they're still quite young. I know how much it can affect children because when someone I loved CTB, it traumatized me very much. And yes, even though there are people who love me, I am very guilty to say that it does not mean anything to me. Admitting that to myself is difficult, but I've been constantly told 'I love you' by so many people, and yet their love has continuously failed to ever touch my heart or make me feel anything. I know it's probably genuine, but it doesn't feel that way to me, likely because I've been so fucked up. That just supports my case of how I ought to not live anymore since I'm unable to receive love from others or allow myself to believe it's even real.
Secondly, I grew up in a very religious environment and while I do not consider myself religious, I do believe in God and would like to believe in one. As a result, I find myself hesitant because of my religion's conceptions of the afterlife. I've seen how people said that 'life on earth already feels like hell so what difference does ending up in hell make.' However, it is not only hell that I fear. The mere idea of becoming nothing, feeling nothing after death is also what terrifies me. I know that the only reason why I yearn for the end is because I am able to perceive it through life. It is only because I suffer in life that I can yearn for death. What will happen once I finally die and attain the nothingness I crave? If I do become 'nothing' I will be unable to value that 'nothing.' Hence, the only purpose that dying serves is to put a halt to my life now which I'm not sure I'm ready to part with. I know that I ought to die eventually, hopefully before my birthday this year. But if it were between this or nothingness, then a part of me thinks I'd rather cling onto something than nothing, even if that something is the faintest of hope that I will be content in this life full of suffering.
Lastly, the feelings and the events of my life are so fickle. At moments I really do enjoy being alive, the times I'm able to distract myself and remain in others presence. In the very last minute, I always end up convincing myself to not go through with the CTB because I'm unable to remind myself. However, during the moments I do recall and reach my low points, they really do feel like the lowest of lows. That's when I continue convincing myself and fostering this belief that I shouldn't be alive. The idea that I'm only distracting myself from my incapacity to live resurfaces and I return to the same train of thought that I've always had ever since I was a child. Again and again, I come back to this depressive state and time has proven that this depression will always be a constant in my life even if there are people and events that make me happy sometimes. Not only that, I hurt people because of my depression. I push people away and I fear that I hold them back because of my mental state. The worst part is I know how to be the best version of myself, somebody that can make others happy and encourage them to live. I just can't be that person. I fully think that the people in my life would be better off finding someone else. And I honestly pity the people who fall in love with me or find value in my company. I'm very high maintenance too because I overthink like crazy. I'm afraid because I know my tendency is to make people spiral down with me which is something I find comfort in because it means I'm not alone in this dark abyss, but my values and morals tell me it's wrong. Hence, I truly think that it's better for me to cease existing in people's lives to fully prevent me burdening others and causing their suffering. The thing is, I want to love someone and be loved. I want to live doing that. However, I accept that it entails so much hurt which I don't want to inflict on anyone. My desire to live is so selfish because I am someone who shouldn't even be alive.
Now that's said and done, I'm really hoping that I get to come to terms with it because a part of me now strongly feels that I should CTB before my birthday. I have SN already, have had it for a long time, so I really just need the will to push through. Another part clings onto life, but the voice inside my head, at least right now, tells me that the best solution is to push through with the CTB. A lot of people in my life are already distancing themselves from me, and I can feel myself pushing people away. 'I might as well go through with it' is what is being incessantly repeated in my head right now.
It's so fucking messy. I hope to be happy, find contentment and yet I also hope that someone can convince me to CTB. I hate this and it hurts so bad.
If someone has actually read up to this point, thank you for your time I suppose. If I feel like writing again or if I've made my decision I will update by posting again. It's now or never. I need to fulfill my promise. I need to CTB before my birthday.
Anyway, I have moments where I end up spiraling and returning to this train of thought, usually when something bad triggers it. However, today is an exception because it's self-inflicted. Whenever I'm bored or I find a minor reason to relapse, I end up relapsing and wallowing in my suffering. I'm quite self aware of my own habits but I refuse to stop myself because a part of me believes I should allow myself to keep deteriorating in order to convince myself to finally CTB.
I met someone who made a similar mental promise that they'd CTB before a certain age. They sounded very intent on it but they never pushed through, it was their X birthday just yesterday and they're alive. It made me think of my own promise because I'll end up starting a new life by the time my birthday comes around. It's just that I know that new beginning will only lead to more suffering and depression in the long run. It'll be a new chapter in my life where I'll feel some happiness sure, but I'll likely meet new people who'll leave and experience stuff that will fuck me over again just like how it's always been.
For some background context, my life isn't terrible. In fact, anyone with my circumstances can probably end up making better use of my life than me. I personally just believe that I'm one of those people who are unable to live. I can see meaning and the purpose that others find in life but I'm unable to be interested or do anything to make my own life meaningful. I thought I could when I was with my ex, when I was able to love someone enough to gain that desire to live. However, the relationship ended up becoming unhealthy so I left, tried finding other people, but to no avail. I have sympathy for my current partner because I had hoped I could live for their sake and regain the happiness I had before, yet I really haven't.
With that in mind, I wrote this hoping that it could serve as a reminder of why I should CTB and help me ease my fear of death. There are a handful of reasons I haven't CTB:
Firstly, while I do believe that people are bound to despise me and leave, I have to admit that there are several people in my life who would be extremely disturbed if I did CTB. I worry about my family, the good side. Although a lot of who I've become now and the trauma I deal with is because of them, I know that certain people in my family still care. I know it's a luxury that not most people have, including having friends who would also miss your presence. Like I mentioned earlier, my partner would also be affected by it, but my relationships and friendships are less of a concern because I'm convinced that they'll get over it eventually. I'm most worried for my siblings because they're still quite young. I know how much it can affect children because when someone I loved CTB, it traumatized me very much. And yes, even though there are people who love me, I am very guilty to say that it does not mean anything to me. Admitting that to myself is difficult, but I've been constantly told 'I love you' by so many people, and yet their love has continuously failed to ever touch my heart or make me feel anything. I know it's probably genuine, but it doesn't feel that way to me, likely because I've been so fucked up. That just supports my case of how I ought to not live anymore since I'm unable to receive love from others or allow myself to believe it's even real.
Secondly, I grew up in a very religious environment and while I do not consider myself religious, I do believe in God and would like to believe in one. As a result, I find myself hesitant because of my religion's conceptions of the afterlife. I've seen how people said that 'life on earth already feels like hell so what difference does ending up in hell make.' However, it is not only hell that I fear. The mere idea of becoming nothing, feeling nothing after death is also what terrifies me. I know that the only reason why I yearn for the end is because I am able to perceive it through life. It is only because I suffer in life that I can yearn for death. What will happen once I finally die and attain the nothingness I crave? If I do become 'nothing' I will be unable to value that 'nothing.' Hence, the only purpose that dying serves is to put a halt to my life now which I'm not sure I'm ready to part with. I know that I ought to die eventually, hopefully before my birthday this year. But if it were between this or nothingness, then a part of me thinks I'd rather cling onto something than nothing, even if that something is the faintest of hope that I will be content in this life full of suffering.
Lastly, the feelings and the events of my life are so fickle. At moments I really do enjoy being alive, the times I'm able to distract myself and remain in others presence. In the very last minute, I always end up convincing myself to not go through with the CTB because I'm unable to remind myself. However, during the moments I do recall and reach my low points, they really do feel like the lowest of lows. That's when I continue convincing myself and fostering this belief that I shouldn't be alive. The idea that I'm only distracting myself from my incapacity to live resurfaces and I return to the same train of thought that I've always had ever since I was a child. Again and again, I come back to this depressive state and time has proven that this depression will always be a constant in my life even if there are people and events that make me happy sometimes. Not only that, I hurt people because of my depression. I push people away and I fear that I hold them back because of my mental state. The worst part is I know how to be the best version of myself, somebody that can make others happy and encourage them to live. I just can't be that person. I fully think that the people in my life would be better off finding someone else. And I honestly pity the people who fall in love with me or find value in my company. I'm very high maintenance too because I overthink like crazy. I'm afraid because I know my tendency is to make people spiral down with me which is something I find comfort in because it means I'm not alone in this dark abyss, but my values and morals tell me it's wrong. Hence, I truly think that it's better for me to cease existing in people's lives to fully prevent me burdening others and causing their suffering. The thing is, I want to love someone and be loved. I want to live doing that. However, I accept that it entails so much hurt which I don't want to inflict on anyone. My desire to live is so selfish because I am someone who shouldn't even be alive.
Now that's said and done, I'm really hoping that I get to come to terms with it because a part of me now strongly feels that I should CTB before my birthday. I have SN already, have had it for a long time, so I really just need the will to push through. Another part clings onto life, but the voice inside my head, at least right now, tells me that the best solution is to push through with the CTB. A lot of people in my life are already distancing themselves from me, and I can feel myself pushing people away. 'I might as well go through with it' is what is being incessantly repeated in my head right now.
It's so fucking messy. I hope to be happy, find contentment and yet I also hope that someone can convince me to CTB. I hate this and it hurts so bad.
If someone has actually read up to this point, thank you for your time I suppose. If I feel like writing again or if I've made my decision I will update by posting again. It's now or never. I need to fulfill my promise. I need to CTB before my birthday.
