Venting I'm a predator

[Youthanasia]

Depressions surely took me places. Weird places.

In order to beat it, I forged my self-esteem with testosterone. It's not like this is a bad thing anyway, but the same thing that makes a hero makes a murderer. Before you even consider, no, I haven't commited any crimes of any nature.

I'm lucky to have a certain degree of education. I could always tell what is wrong because well, if my brain was a software, the first line would have something like if.damageothers="false"
in it. It has to do a bit with moral and political beliefs, i guess. It's particularly funny that I consider myself an atheist, nihilist conservative. I think filtering the good ideas os one of my perks.

And I happen to consider myself quite the amazing guy despite all the flaws. The second line of my "iBrain" would have what doesn't kill you make you stronger in it. And I do mean that. I'm somewhat young but in my mid 20s i've already gone through many emotional and physical challenges, from trying to ctb in my teen years to multiple surgeries that didn't really leave any hindering permanent damage. Surely being sliced modifies your body for the worst but i'm not one bit shy about my weird looking penis, and I sure as hell put it to use.

I spent a lot of energy making myself someone who I could admire. I'd go as far as saying i'm some sort of genius. I sure am proud of my achievements as a thinking creature. But all of that matters little if I can't make a living out of it.

I wouldn't even call what I have today depression. Depression is defined as a reduced ability for you brain to secrete certain hormones that make you feel good. I'm perfectly able to feel good, I just no longer have any means to. I blame my family on that.

I do get to blame someone, right? I mean, every time my body was challenged, I was up for the task. But still... that didn't make a living for me. I have countless reasons to believe I had little to no support in becoming a functional adult that can pay taxes and do my small contribution to our race. And while i'd rather not specify, i'll say that money should not be the issue. I'm not rich but i'm hardly poor for someone that never got a single pay. And yes, physical problems contribute to that.

Anyway, I dwelled a lot in the internet. Lost contact with everyone I knew. Stopped going out because well, a man only has so much asking for mommy's money in his life. It doesn't make me proud to say that I know exactly what the most hideous fuckers have in their minds when they practice horrible things. And I made it the mission of my life to never let that happen. It's a turn on and that's it, I never allowed myself to even indirectly encourage any sort of wrongdoing. I'm proud of that. I really am.

I'm what a man is supposed to be. A predator, capable of doing horrible things for a greater good. And I wouldnt be torturing myself in holding these feelings inside for the rest of my life, really. I'm that proud of my brain, i'm fully aware on how it works and how I can influence myself in pursuing good things.

Except making a living. That's something I can't make out of nowhere, I don't have any money in my name and my family hardly cares about that.

So i'll do something that genuinely makes me happy. I won't deny my nature. I'm a predator. And I'm my next prey. Not because I think the world would be a better place without me because I don't, but because I would be better out of this world.

I'm not catching the bus soon, there's difficulties i'm working on, but you can consider this my goodbye note 'in advance' for this community.

If you live, stay strong, respect the laws, and accept your nature. Don't be afraid to be happy.

 

[Escaper Boy]

I don't have anything worthwhile to say. You had been through a lot. I believe you are wise, sharp mind, and cunning enough to pierce multiple layers of mind fogs and delusion. Your writing clearly displayed that.

I'll just waste some of your time with hastily-made poetry.

Predator

Let the world sinks in...
Cause precept does not worth shit...
You don't live in garbage bin...
Like predator craving filth...

 

[Kikoo Loool]

if my brain was a software, the first line would have something like if.damageothers="false"

Testing equality on boolean values is somewhat a bad idea. You'd better use if not(damageothers)

 

[Youthanasia]

Testing equality on boolean values is somewhat a bad idea. You'd better use if not(damageothers)

Right. I have limited knowledge about this, anyway.

 

[Gooseygoes]

Depressions surely took me places. Weird places.

In order to beat it, I forged my self-esteem with testosterone. It's not like this is a bad thing anyway, but the same thing that makes a hero makes a murderer. Before you even consider, no, I haven't commited any crimes of any nature.

I'm lucky to have a certain degree of education. I could always tell what is wrong because well, if my brain was a software, the first line would have something like if.damageothers="false"
in it. It has to do a bit with moral and political beliefs, i guess. It's particularly funny that I consider myself an atheist, nihilist conservative. I think filtering the good ideas os one of my perks.

And I happen to consider myself quite the amazing guy despite all the flaws. The second line of my "iBrain" would have what doesn't kill you make you stronger in it. And I do mean that. I'm somewhat young but in my mid 20s i've already gone through many emotional and physical challenges, from trying to ctb in my teen years to multiple surgeries that didn't really leave any hindering permanent damage. Surely being sliced modifies your body for the worst but i'm not one bit shy about my weird looking penis, and I sure as hell put it to use.

I spent a lot of energy making myself someone who I could admire. I'd go as far as saying i'm some sort of genius. I sure am proud of my achievements as a thinking creature. But all of that matters little if I can't make a living out of it.

I wouldn't even call what I have today depression. Depression is defined as a reduced ability for you brain to secrete certain hormones that make you feel good. I'm perfectly able to feel good, I just no longer have any means to. I blame my family on that.

I do get to blame someone, right? I mean, every time my body was challenged, I was up for the task. But still... that didn't make a living for me. I have countless reasons to believe I had little to no support in becoming a functional adult that can pay taxes and do my small contribution to our race. And while i'd rather not specify, i'll say that money should not be the issue. I'm not rich but i'm hardly poor for someone that never got a single pay. And yes, physical problems contribute to that.

Anyway, I dwelled a lot in the internet. Lost contact with everyone I knew. Stopped going out because well, a man only has so much asking for mommy's money in his life. It doesn't make me proud to say that I know exactly what the most hideous fuckers have in their minds when they practice horrible things. And I made it the mission of my life to never let that happen. It's a turn on and that's it, I never allowed myself to even indirectly encourage any sort of wrongdoing. I'm proud of that. I really am.

I'm what a man is supposed to be. A predator, capable of doing horrible things for a greater good. And I wouldnt be torturing myself in holding these feelings inside for the rest of my life, really. I'm that proud of my brain, i'm fully aware on how it works and how I can influence myself in pursuing good things.

Except making a living. That's something I can't make out of nowhere, I don't have any money in my name and my family hardly cares about that.

So i'll do something that genuinely makes me happy. I won't deny my nature. I'm a predator. And I'm my next prey. Not because I think the world would be a better place without me because I don't, but because I would be better out of this world.

I'm not catching the bus soon, there's difficulties i'm working on, but you can consider this my goodbye note 'in advance' for this community.

If you live, stay strong, respect the laws, and accept your nature. Don't be afraid to be happy.

I think you've run the HELL out of your race. Every day that you've survived has been a major accomplishment. Life is hard as hell and I feel exactly where you're coming from.

Question - do you think you'd be so anxious to exit if you received a decent employment opportunity?

 

[Youthanasia]

I think you've run the HELL out of your race. Every day that you've survived has been a major accomplishment. Life is hard as hell and I feel exactly where you're coming from.

Question - do you think you'd be so anxious to exit if you received a decent employment opportunity?

Just to be clear I was talking about human race

Not really I guess. I was raised with a quality of life that isn't achievable with decent employment. And I'd be starting years after my competition which really, really bothers me as I no longer have the same ambition to pick up a pencil and toilet paper and work hard to see it become gold.

I know I'm a perfectionist, it's a double-edged trait, but there's a lot of reasoning behind my thinking on this as well.

Profesionally and academically speaking, I'm an extremely frustrated person, a lot of doors that opened to me while my legs were tied. In my first post (Introduction thread) i went briefly through all of this

 

[Gooseygoes]

I just want to say... I GET IT!

 

[Wanderer_with_Death]

Just to be clear I was talking about human race

Not really I guess. I was raised with a quality of life that isn't achievable with decent employment. And I'd be starting years after my competition which really, really bothers me as I no longer have the same ambition to pick up a pencil and toilet paper and work hard to see it become gold.

I know I'm a perfectionist, it's a double-edged trait, but there's a lot of reasoning behind my thinking on this as well.

Profesionally and academically speaking, I'm an extremely frustrated person, a lot of doors that opened to me while my legs were tied. In my first post (Introduction thread) i went briefly through all of this

Its never easy to see one such as you with potential to be hindered by perceptions that devoid the meaning out of life and have reason for such. However I am proud of your awareness, and your courage to admit your limitations despite such.

There is no such thing as "perfect", even flaws can give treasure and meaning if you can twist it into your favor, beliefs and blockage can certainly limit someone without their knowing. The mind is a very powerful tool in this corporal existence, however it is very limited and can easily confine in the "safety net" of what is known and believed, even if that belief is self destructive.

If you truly feel you have nothing left and have exhausted your opportunities and efforts then that is your choice as your life with your soul is given right to such. But if you have it in you for a last ditch effort, I highly advise you step into the unknown, learn how to self love and face your inner fears/blocks/demons that may be holding you back.

 

[Youthanasia]

Nevermind, this reply was way too long. Lol

Doenst sound like you get my point though. Mentally speaking nothing holds me back. And i thought i had written some sort of guide to self love on that

 

[Wanderer_with_Death]

I don't really have demons to kill if you're talking about mental issues. That's one of the ideas I try to spread in this community, to accept yourself is to control yourself. I could prpbably write a book about this.

What leads me to suicide is a hobo life project I didn't ask for. I know it's easy to get carried away when you're so full of yourself as I am but the truth is I'm done fixing my parents' mess.

I never rule something out. Maybe i'll ctb, maybe i won't. But odds are I will as getting a proper way to live by myself doesnt depend solely on my own efforts. It's never simple enough to write in a couple of posts.

Either way, i'll die as a happy man who lived a miserable yet somewhat comfortable life. It could be worse, but I did pick the shortest straw.

I like to vent in here for two reasons. First, it's good to finally talk about it. Not like I haven't gone to shrinks before but i'm not paying any of you.

Second, I believe knowledge is the immaterial gold of human race. I see a lot of people that shouldnt be here - and i'd even understand if you thought that about me - so I like to let people know it's possible to deal with these things. I'm not judging but i must say I get pissed when people complain about certain things.

I've been in their shoes. Hell one could say i've even weared boots. But i'm not saying I'm better. I'm saying anything is possible to deal with, particularly simple things such as 'no one loves me' or 'im ugly'. Just like some would consider my problems as something simple to handle. It's an exchange of perspectives.

I try to not sound like the fucking asshole I know i can be but I have opinions that may help others and they're not always meant to sound good.

It's just me being part of a community I can relate to. While I'd love to give everyone the ability to give a 'pay back' bunch of advices for me, not only i'd be asking to be doxxed but I'm also aware it's something ridiculously complicated to fix, since it requires external help from people actually close to me. I don't mean to be arrogant or anything at all. Didn't come here to feel good about myself.

That's the thing I have come to learn, "control" doesn't exist, the more you try to, the more Hell you're brought forth, "going with the flow" is the easiest I can explain.
"Inner demons" could be mental illnesses or just the subconscious blockages your obviously self aware perception could possibly combat and change. I tend to speak in a generalized view since everyone has their own subjective opinions on any label and I don't know all the details to your situation, I meant no offense if you had any in my response.

It's a great step into not trying to fix other people's messes, just because your parents "birthed you" doesn't contract and obligate you to them in anyway. You're your own person with your own life and choices and so I feel its a great step into you for something better.

While needing to "externally make a living" is a factor on the sociatial terms and being dependent on others for that can easily be limiting I do wish good fortune your way neverless.
It's always healthy to vent and not bottle up emotions, this is a like minded "free" community as you say.

You have good intentions despite what you consider "harsh perspective" and that is something that resonates with you and you have every right to express that like anyone does in their opinion. I appreciate that you are humbled and can consider all possibilities even the embrace of Death yet still wanting to lend a hand despite your situation and shitty feelings does give reflection on the good nature of you.

I know you said how you didn't come here to feel good about yourself, so forgive me in my decision to go against that.