I wish my eatong disorders would just kill me.

[Livingvsdying25]

Should've killed me a long time ago.

I'd been starved to the point of ending up in a catatonic state twice. Back in 2017. I went to the hospital but I guess I didn't explain myself well enough and my family didn't want to admit to anything either.

In 2019.. I had been heavily drinking and puking like at least once a day for months. My body felt it but I was woth my Mom so... between not being not taken seriously, being abused and ridiculed, trying to escape but being stuck...

I never got to say much. I never got to talk to the right people. My mom would pretend she was supporting me but really just be there to throw off any kinda blame or responsibility. So, it was my dumb fuck selves fault for even bringing her.

All that to say that my eating disorders have been reeking havock of my body for years but I have not had the space or time to deal.

Now I do and as Im sitting looking at different reasources and tryna figure out which ones I'd like to reach out to...

All I can think is I wish they'd kill me.

Im so good at recovery but killing myself... not so much...

I wish it was a little easier.

Bc living like nothing is easy. Pretending is easy.

Resl vulnerability in either and/or life/death isn't easy.

I'm honestly fine with either these days but I am getting tired.

 

[Odwin]

Different circumstances, but I am tired as well.

 

[Octavina]

I know how you feel friend. I keep getting hospitalised for low potassium and the head doctor in The hospital said I could've died If I hadn't got admitted. It sucks, painful and lonely, weak and dizzy all day. Dying from these conditions are very painful I hear, because it is sometimes cardiac related.

 

[Aeathelina]

I'm tired too. that's why I'm starving because I know it will kill me