every day i feel shittier and shittier. all i do is fuck things up, push people away and wallow in my own misery. when I'm not in class, i practically never leave my room. I'm a pathetic, broke, unemployed, antisocial, fucking loser and i want to kms every day. i fucking hate trying to talk or interact with other people because everyone it always ends up feeling weird and it just makes me hate myself even more. i wish i could be teleported to an alternate universe where I'm the only person on earth so i could just wander around the ruins of civilization by myself and not have to care or worry about anything. i just want to get out of this shitty fucking dorm room already. i already paid for a plane ticket in December 4th but good i fucking hate having to wait. every night is just me laying in bed non stop thinking about everything I've done and said and hating myself more and more. I'm an awful fucking person, all i do is fuck things up and push people away, even when they care about me. nothing of value would be lost if i died and everyone would move on and forget before they could even shed a tear. i wish i had a gun on me so i could at least blow my brains out on a live stream in the hopes that my death would get memed like ronnie mcnutt and finally something somewhat positive would come out of my existence
even though i want people to care and worry about me, it's like i can never trust or believe them in my head. I'm always left more confused as to why they would even care about me to begin with, especially the people online since they don't even know me outside of a username and a pfp on a screen. i guess I'm just selfish and want the attention from people even though it won't do anything to make me not want to ctb. maybe I'm just manipulative and want to traumatize someone with my death. either way I'm a shitty person and should die so what does it matter. i have 53 days left to live
i don't know why i don't just check myself into the ER or something. maybe i want to be forced into being involuntarily committed because I'm a bitch and can't do it myself even though i know i should. maybe i assume that if a person actually cared about me they'd call the cops on me and have me committed. there's nothing left for me in this life
i barely feel anything my entire life. sometimes ill feel a little happy when im doing something like playing a game, sometimes ill get a little angry or annoyed, most of the time i just feel self loathing. rest of the time I'm just numb and empty, it feels like I'm not even here. I'm just sitting in a small box watching someone else live my life for me as days go by. nothing feels real anymore.
I'm hoping that during my trip to Japan, when i finally decide to try drinking alcohol and getting drunk for the first time, I'll actually be able to feel something for the first time.
i cant even cry. i barely cried when my mom died. i just sat there as she was being cremated. why can't i just be normal. what the fuck is wrong with me.
I'm really hoping that things will feel at least a little better once i leave this shitty campus and touchdown in Japan. all I've ever wanted in life is to be free. truly free. all my life over been locked down and restricted by bullshit. wether it be working some shitty retail job busting my ass to make some dickhead rich while i make pennies, or getting treated like a little kid at job corps and having my life wasted away. I've never had true freedom. I'm not in jail or committed in a psych ward or anything, but I'm not free. always being restricted by someone else's rules. I wanted to work a decent job and build a good life for myself, but nobody wanted to hire me.
My biggest dream in life was to work a good career, build a steady foundation for myself, build s house on a good piece of land, find someone i love, get married hand start a family. but now, getting even half of that feels harder than winning the fucking lottery. i don't want to keep living in a system that has been rigged against me and designed to keep me in the lowest point of my life possible with no escape.
As soon as i step off that plane in Tokyo, i will be truly free. For the next 30 days after that moment, I'm be free to do whatever i want. I won't have to stress about finding a job just so I'll be able to survive. I won't have to bite my lip and put up with shitty managers, bosses, college staff. I will go where i want and do what i want (to the extent of the law). I will reclaim my life from this corrupt system.
This life is mine. I will decide where my path goes, and where my path ends.
