I want to try everything

[noname223]

I want to try everything in order not to ctb. Or at least a lot. So that i don't have to blame me when i finally ctb. It gives me a kind of strength to underego a lot of pain. The knowledge that there will be a way out gives me hope. Even if i try and it is very likely that everything will fail i still can end my existence. I am not sure when it will end. It depends on the choices i will make in the next few months.
There is a dangerous path i could go. Maybe i am forced to choose it because i am running out of options. It is really likely that my life will become way worse in the future. And it makes me panic a lot. I am trying things whereas i am pretty convinced they will fail. Just to make sure i did not overlook an opportunity. I am pretty desperate, all i am doing is playing for time. Everything is a joke. Nevertheless i am scared of the time when even my last glimps of hope vanish. Not sure what will happen...

 

[WornOutLife]

I want to try everything too, my friend.
No matter how dark days might be, if we ctb, it's because we tried every single possibility to live and ended up with no other choice.

 

[M.M]

If you are truly cbt-minded, you can go all out and do whatever you desire, which can be somewhat liberating.
I've had a mindset change and began doing stuff I'd never do before, and I have not regretted doing these things.