Venting I want to CTB but also feel pathetic and confused

[natali4]

I have been a sad person as long as I remember. I always felt like an outsider. My parents were very controlling when I was growing up. I know their intentions were good, but their parenting really messed me up, broke my self-confidence, and made me more timid. I have very few friends who are all in different countries right now. I have suffered sexual abuse in my life, I have been body shamed by friends and family, and gaslighting and manipulation by men I dated, and treated like shit by my colleagues. Covid made everything worse. I got more distanced from people.

I met my current boyfriend just before covid started. It wasn't the perfect relationship, but I still fell in love with him. I got dependent on him because I didn't have anyone else. He wasn't always good to me, but when he was it made me feel like I have never felt before. I day dreamed of him loving me back and being the person I wanted him to be. He got a new job in April, and we knew he would be leaving and moving to a new state. I was very happy for him but it also worried me, I didn't know what I would do without him. Around the same time, I got offered an internship at my dream company, which could perhaps eventually lead to a full time job offer. This is something I had been dreaming of for a long time, and I never thought it would happen, that this dream can come true. I thought maybe this is the sign, that I can move on even when my boyfriend leaves. But things didn't as planned. I am an international student in US, and because of immigration issues, I didn't get work approval. Now my boyfriend has left, and I have been jobless. I joined SS about 2 weeks ago, and decided to find a peaceful way to CTB. I have always been suicidal but never been so sure about it until now. I have most of my supplies in place, just waiting for one delivery.

But this morning, I got an email telling me that my work authorization has been approved, and I can perhaps start work next week. I will still be able to do an internship but because of the delays I will only have two months to work instead of three (original duration). I feel strange about this. This is what I wanted, this was supposed to my sign, but last few weeks have been torture and I had made up my mind to CTB. I think I still want to CTB, but a part of me feels guilty, or I wonder what people will think, that I am so pathetic to give up my life even after receiving my dream job. But I am so jaded, I don't know what to do. I want the suffering to end. I don't have the energy to fight or stay strong.

 

[logan]

If this job is your dream and you now have the chance to get it, then that is a gift.
You can certainly draw new strength from it and also meet new people.
And hopefully you'll feel so good again that you won't have to think about ctb any more.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really can be exhausting, I know what that is like. I see ctb as a last resort option when we have nothing left and we are desperate. If there was a chance that my life might improve, I would go for that first knowing the option is always there to leave this earth if things get too much. I know how hard it is though when life has been cruel and you just want peace.

 

[WornOutLife]

It seems a part of you wants to keep on fighting somehow so, I highly recommend you go for that job!
Who knows? It might make you feel better and you may change your mind!!

Whatever happens, wish you lots of love and peace.

Hugs,

Matt

 

[natali4]

Thank you all! I am new to this community, and sometimes feel hesitant to interact. But this is the first time I have found a space where people actually understand what I am going through without judging the choices and decisions. I don't know if I will CTB, maybe I will wait and see how things play out. But honestly, last few weeks, the only thing that has given me peace was knowing that I had an exit, and a community of people to reach out to.