Venting I relapsed

[RoseGarden]

301 days without self harming. 9 months, and 27 days. Gone. Time wasted. I'm not interested in getting better anymore. My AE isn't perfect but I have a strong stomach. I drink SN tonight.

 

[maniac116]

I hope your plan is well thought out.
I hope you have a painless transition & find peace & love

 

[nibbleone]

Is it DMC SN? Keep us posted?

 

[It'sNotLookingGood]

301 days without self harming. 9 months, and 27 days. Gone. Time wasted. I'm not interested in getting better anymore. My AE isn't perfect but I have a strong stomach. I drink SN tonight.

That time wasn't wasted at all.

It certainly can feel that way, and does feel that way, when you relapse - but it isn't true.

Relapsing is a part of recovery.
And recovery is a rite of passage.
If it was easy, everyone would do it, and nobody would be addicted to anything.

You haven't failed because you relapsed.
The only failure would be in giving up.


I am very proud of you for making it 301 days. I bet at one point you wouldn't have thought that possible.
But it was.
So what feels impossible right now, today, is perhaps not as impossible as it seems.

I am proud of you.
I hope you can find a way to be proud of yourself too, at some point.

Doing well for 301 days, and badly for 1 day, is actually very impressive.


Sending love and strength <3

 

[RoseGarden]

I hope your plan is well thought out.
I hope you have a painless transition & find peace & love

Its about as well thought out as it can be. I have an anti emetic and I've managed to fast. I also have a muscle relaxer and pain killer which should help a bit, I'm also going to prep an extra cup just in case I throw up.

Is it DMC SN? Keep us posted?

It is not. I have about an hour left of my fast before I drink anything so if I can remember to post an update I will. If I survive I'll probably post one tomorrow.

That time wasn't wasted at all.

It certainly can feel that way, and does feel that way, when you relapse - but it isn't true.

Relapsing is a part of recovery.
And recovery is a rite of passage.
If it was easy, everyone would do it, and nobody would be addicted to anything.

You haven't failed because you relapsed.
The only failure would be in giving up.


I am very proud of you for making it 301 days. I bet at one point you wouldn't have thought that possible.
But it was.
So what feels impossible right now, today, is perhaps not as impossible as it seems.

I am proud of you.
I hope you can find a way to be proud of yourself too, at some point.

Doing well for 301 days, and badly for 1 day, is actually very impressive.


Sending love and strength <3

I didn't fail. Others failed me. I had a therapist, but she dropped me when I told her she was suicidal. I was having a rough day and I reached out to multiple people, none of whom responded, including people I'm in a relationship with. If no one is willing to give me support it's better that I die rather than spend my life begging for a crumb of attention

 

[RoseGarden]

I think this is an awfully pathetic reason to kill yourself.
And I think you need to take accountability for your own life.
If you choose to CTB, accept that it is because you have failed yourself. Not because of anyone else.

That probably sounds utterly callous, and mean, and lacking empathy, but maybe you need to hear some tough love.


Everything I said in my previous message still remains true.


Whatever you do tonight, or don't do, I
hope you find peace.


Sending strength and love

Respectfully, you do not know me, you do not know the things I've struggled with, and you do not know the abuse I've endured for my entire life. I grew up getting "tough love." to my dad, that was smacking me for crying. I don't care. I don't want sympathy, I just want to tell my story.

 

[It'sNotLookingGood]

Respectfully, you do not know me, you do not know the things I've struggled with, and you do not know the abuse I've endured for my entire life. I grew up getting "tough love." to my dad, that was smacking me for crying. I don't care. I don't want sympathy, I just want to tell my story.

That isn't 'tough love', that's abuse. I'm sorry you've experienced that.

Tough love is telling someone something true, even when they don't want to hear it.


I hope that you are not overly emotional in your decision to end your life, whenever that may be, if that day comes.

You're right, I don't know you.
But to me, that's how your post came across.
Someone already depressed and suicidal, who is overly emotional after an awful day.

I don't think that is the time to make a life or death decision.


Your life is your own. I have no say over what you do with it, nor should I.
But that doesn't mean I'm necessarily wrong.


Sending you strength and love <3

If you want to tell your story, please drop me a message so long as you're happy to. I would like to listen <3

 

[CantDoIt]

I'm so sorry about everything you're going for, I hope you find peace.

 

[RoseGarden]

well, I have everything I need. I'm going to wait about 15 more minutes just to have an exactly 4 hour fast.

 

[astr4]

i'm sorry that life has led you here. it sounds like you're really hurting and struggling and it seems incredibly lonely. i really do think you deserved better from others, and i'm sorry that they let you down. when we're hurting, we do all we can to end the pain, but i hope you have given yourself the chance to really sit with this decision. ultimately if this is what you have decided, i hope you find some peace in the end.

 

[RoseGarden]

i'm sorry that life has led you here. it sounds like you're really hurting and struggling and it seems incredibly lonely. i really do think you deserved better from others, and i'm sorry that they let you down. when we're hurting, we do all we can to end the pain, but i hope you have given yourself the chance to really sit with this decision. ultimately if this is what you have decided, i hope you find some peace in the end.

This isn't my first attempt, and if I survive it probably won't be my last. I all I wanted was a normal life. Something peaceful, calm. Instead I've had a life filled with violence, abuse, and strife. Hopefully whatever comes next is more peaceful.

 

[Hotsackage]

Ya this whole counting thing doesn't work, I mean it does, but it's just added pressure to the mind for no reason. But I hope you realize you did pretty dam good, and maybe there is something that can keep you going. Well wishes in what you decide

 

[RoseGarden]

Ya this whole counting thing doesn't work, I mean it does, but it's just added pressure to the mind for no reason. But I hope you realize you did pretty dam good, and maybe there is something that can keep you going. Well wishes in what you decide

I'm just counting down to pace when I take the meds. I don't need to hype myself up, I know what I'm in for.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

wishing you relief and peace.

 

[RoseGarden]

Took my final dose of AE and some pain killers. Time to wait for those to kick in then I'm going to CTB. I'll update people when or if I can

 

[maniac116]

Yes, absolutely a 2nd cup & think about maybe a 3rd cup just in case.
I hope you find rest & peace & until you drink the SN you can always change your mind. No shame.
BTW in your relapse you didn't lose or waste anything! It's part of recovery.
Love & peace to you

 

[RoseGarden]

my roommate walked in before I could down the glass. I'm going to have to wait a bit longer I guess

 

[eeah]

I didn't fail. Others failed me. I had a therapist, but she dropped me when I told her she was suicidal.

isnt that like their job to help ppl when theyre mentally ill tf?? shitty therapist

 

[RoseGarden]

isnt that like their job to help ppl when theyre mentally ill tf?? shitty therapist

yeah. I guess she didn't want the liability of a patient killing themselves? after that shit I think I'm done with mental health "professionals"

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Wishing you peace from this horrible world if you go through with it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find peace from suffering, best wishes.

 

[nir]

You still with us?

 

[RoseGarden]

unfortunately. my roommate walked in on me. I'm alive

 

[kiki <3]

unfortunately. my roommate walked in on me. I'm alive

:( wish i could give you a long hug.

 

[RoseGarden]

:( wish i could give you a long hug.

I need them. I ended up not being able to drink my sn so there's no reason for me to need to go to the hospital. at least that's nice.

 

[maniac116]