I really want to CTB but I can't

[Emilia1012]

I suffer so much, I would really like to CTB but I can't because of my mom.
I am alive only for her , because her suffering hurts me more than mine.
My life is hell but I can't even escape it :(

 

[heretogethelp]

I suffer so much, I would really like to CTB but I can't because of my mom.
I am alive only for her , because her suffering hurts me more than mine.
My life is hell but I can't even escape it :(

I'm in the same situation as you. I wish it got easier, but it never really does.

 

[Rae82]

I'm living for my little girl who is only 4. She's wonderful and life was great until I started experiencing health problems that have ruined my life. I don't want to die but I don't want to live as I am and nothing can be done to help me.

 

[Emilia1012]

I'm living for my little girl who is only 4. She's wonderful and life was great until I started experiencing health problems that have ruined my life. I don't want to die but I don't want to live as I am and nothing can be done to help me.

What kind of health problens? I also want to ctb because of health problems

 

[WornOutLife]

Same thing here but with my dad! I just can't leave him alone and destroy his life! (or even kill him accidentally from a heart-attack or stroke once he finds out I'm dead)

 

[Rae82]

What kind of health problens? I also want to ctb because of health problems

I have breathing problems caused by nasal valve collapse. I can't get air in or out properly and it's leaving me in fight or flight and causing palpitations and dizziness. I recently had surgery and the surgeon has botched me and failed to open up the valves. I can't sleep without meds because I can't breathe and it's ruining my time with my beautiful girl.

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

I understand the feeling of not being able to escape and my heart goes out to you. I too want to ctb due to my multiple, and longstanding, health issues (largely bowel problems but there are a myriad of other issues too that make each day for me painful and a struggle to get through, and my life has no purpose or meaning beyond struggling to make it to the NEXT day...and I'm tired out of the pointless treadmill. This isn't a LIFE or living, just existing in a hellish nightmare.) and like Rae82 all these physical illnesses and the chronic pain has in turn caused such anxiety which adds another level of hell to it all. Myself though I can't seem to ctb due to fear and being too cowardly, so I feel trapped.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yeah, I know what you mean. This life can be very cruel. Suicide is a pain cycle, to end our pain it passes it on to someone else. I mean in my situation even know others would be sad, I would always put myself first as it isn't like I asked to exist so I have no obligations to stay alive. But I understand how hard it is. Health problems really can ruin our quality of life.

 

[Rae82]

Yeah, I know what you mean. This life can be very cruel. Suicide is a pain cycle, to end our pain it passes it on to someone else. I mean in my situation even know others would be sad, I would always put myself first as it isn't like I asked to exist so I have no obligations to stay alive. But I understand how hard it is. Health problems really can ruin our quality of life.

It's hard because my daughter didn't ask to exist either and I'm scared I'll totally mess her up if I ctb, but then again I can't be the mum that she needs or I want to be, so which is worse? My partner could meet someone else who will be a mother figure.

 

[Emilia1012]

I have breathing problems caused by nasal valve collapse. I can't get air in or out properly and it's leaving me in fight or flight and causing palpitations and dizziness. I recently had surgery and the surgeon has botched me and failed to open up the valves. I can't sleep without meds because I can't breathe and it's ruining my time with my beautiful girl.

I am so sorry to hear. I also had botched surgery for completely different problem, so I know how it feels when doctors are supposed to help but make things worse . Maybe you could try with another doctor? You should try every possible way to improve .

 

[Rae82]

I am so sorry to hear. I also had botched surgery for completely different problem, so I know how it feels when doctors are supposed to help but make things worse . Maybe you could try with another doctor? You should try every possible way to improve .

My breathing is such a mess I don't know if any doctor could make it right. The surgeon has made such a mess externally and I think internally. I don't feel the air in my nose anymore. If I take a deep breathe I don't get that satisfied feeling of the air hitting way back. It's horrendous. If I don't medicate to sleep I jolt awake after 45 mins or so either through lack of air or because my body isn't sensing the air right.

 

[Rae82]

I can see how my current situation is impacting negatively on my partner. He's said a couple of times how he expects to come home to find me dead. He's not sleeping very well. I know because I can't sleep well because of my breathing. I wonder whether it would just be better to do it and then eventually they can move on and not have me dragging them down and limiting them.