Venting i just want them to save me. i want them to hold me and tell me it’ll all be ok

[coolgal82]

i wish i didnt have to die i wish they could just solve all my issues i wish i could just be with them 24/7 365 days a year. i miss them so much. every day is just agony waiting for them to want to vc (and then when theres no vc you get funny incidents like me being drunk and awake at 9am after scratching the shit out of my thigh, hit styro for the first time though!) i miss them so much i hate being away from them but i also cant ask them cus i dont wanna seem to like needy or annoying or whatever i dont want them to hate me although i kinda do so i can stop being in this limbo of wanting to die until i talk to them then being fine if they were gone i would have the push i need to ctb i think. its probably gonna be my fault when it inevitably happens (no it definitely will, if they ever hate me its my own fault i literally cannot imagine a single realistic scenario where they hate me and its not my fault) and it'll be the worst day of my life.

i hate this existence and i hate that just the bit of them i get is like just enough for me to have second thoughts about ctb. it's like idk you're at an uncomfortable temperature but its bearable, but you cant get up to go change the temperature. idk bad example but like im just trapped in this limbo of hell where its like really high highs but really low lows. i dont even know why i feel this way about them this has never happened before idk what caused this. i just love them sm. i hope that when i die i can be reincarnated as their child. i love my besties sm i wish i couldbe a good friend for them but im just awful at everything i fucking hate myself.

I want them to go so i can be free and finally die but i dont have the strength to push them away i need them to much but this limbo is just awful i hate it but i love it but i love them but i hate myself i hate this i hate this i hate it this is hell
how do i stop this hell
i wish i was normal why am i like this? whats wrong sith me?
i wish i was normal instead im sitting here feeling awful missing my besties trying to get to sleep while my thigh is still on fire cus i went way too fucking hard yesterday owie breaking news hurting yourself hurts! who couldve seen this one coming!

 

[coolgal82]

the worst bit is it was the birthday of one of them today and i got nothing cus im fucking useless i wish they just admitted they hated me
honestly i dont deserve them theyre too good for me and im just a terrible person (especially with how ive unironically atleast fantasised about installing spyware on their devices so i can like be with them 24/7 lmao very normal) i wish they would just hate me i deserve it

 

[coolgal82]

i wish i could just ask them to like look at me and galidate that my feelings are real and tell me why im feeling that way and what to do and etc but that wont happen i hate it