PurpleMorality
Questioning
- Mar 31, 2024
- 14
I haven't fully committed to taking my life, but I'm getting closer every day. I've managed to - somehow unintentionally - get prescribed odansetron when I went to the doctor for nausea and vomiting a bit ago. My plan is that and sodium nitrite, though I'm not sure how to get SN and I want to do more research to see if I'll need anything else to be successful.
I just. Keep causing problems. I'm the root cause of pretty much every problem happening in my polycule. I'm fully aware that one of my metamours is just entirely done with me, since I can't manage to get my shit together. My girlfriend has made it clear that I'm a bad partner and that when she self-injures it's my fault. I lost my close relationship with my sister because she hates my girlfriend, so she won't be there for me. I've used up all the good will my friends and family had for me. I'm lying to myself and the people around me all the time in some vain attempt to protect myself.
People in my life will be better off with me gone. There are still some things that I want to live for, to experience, but I don't think they'll happen at this point. I've screwed things up too badly.
I don't see any way out, any way things will get better for me, and things will be better for the people in my life when ai'm gone. I know they'll grieve and call me selfish and that it's the easy way out, but I just can't handle things as they are. People in my life can move forward once they aren't tied to me. I can stop ruining them by being gone.
So I haven't fully committed yet, and I still need to figure out how to get SN, but yeah. I'm pretty sure this is how things are going to end up going.
I just. Keep causing problems. I'm the root cause of pretty much every problem happening in my polycule. I'm fully aware that one of my metamours is just entirely done with me, since I can't manage to get my shit together. My girlfriend has made it clear that I'm a bad partner and that when she self-injures it's my fault. I lost my close relationship with my sister because she hates my girlfriend, so she won't be there for me. I've used up all the good will my friends and family had for me. I'm lying to myself and the people around me all the time in some vain attempt to protect myself.
People in my life will be better off with me gone. There are still some things that I want to live for, to experience, but I don't think they'll happen at this point. I've screwed things up too badly.
I don't see any way out, any way things will get better for me, and things will be better for the people in my life when ai'm gone. I know they'll grieve and call me selfish and that it's the easy way out, but I just can't handle things as they are. People in my life can move forward once they aren't tied to me. I can stop ruining them by being gone.
So I haven't fully committed yet, and I still need to figure out how to get SN, but yeah. I'm pretty sure this is how things are going to end up going.
