I am sorry to read about your predicament. I also made bad decisions, so many times, which I cannot undo. The thing is, nothing is permanent, your successes in the past are all gone. The truth is that we need to live a life that is sustainable, which means that we have to keep growing, regardless of how successful we were in the past. In fact research shows that we will have to re-invent ourselves every 5 years, by 2030, because of pace in technological development. People are becoming more skilled, more competitive. Yuval Noah Harari did a talk about this at google headquarters. His exact words "the only certainty that we have about the future is that we will have to re-invent ourselves every 5 years, and that we need skills to be able to handle stress". So he said, if you want to invest in something now for the future, invest in things that can help you manage stress, like meditation, exercise etc. Forget about the past, think about your potential future.