Venting i hate everyone i need better friends

[uselessflesh]

i could just be splitting momentsrily but i swear to god they all make me feel like shit to where i impulsively self harm. my head hurts so fucking much from how much ive been choking myself whenever they frustrate me even remotely and i havent even been able to near unconsciousness because im a coward. i can tgink of maybe two? three? people that i can tolerate in my day to day life but the rest are just so.!!! fuck!!! whatever!!!

i can't make the "mistake" of cutting anyone off because i know ill die of loneliness and regret. ive already cut off one of my closest friends 2 years ago for being terrible to me and it STILL hurts so fucking bad. and theyll definitely shit talk me and spread my name around and do things out of spite of me without even bothering to understand lol. Lol !!!! i cant stand it itd be so much easier to die in my sleep than to deal with any confrontation and the live under lie that theyre treating me well and just let them. step ALL over me until replacing me thinking im okay with myself lmfao. god PLEASE grant me the will and courage to take my life

i just want to be treated gentle, to have someone to reciprocate understanding with, to play my favorite games with without their toxicity and rage, to draw with. just a calm friendship where i wont feel so fucking replaceable and disposable for once is all i ask. seriously having doubts that it isnt my fault because this happens all the time, and i know im a miserable piece of shit but i like to think i can at least be pleasant and agreeable at times ?? i just feel like none of my efforts have really proved fruitful and i feel i've been so bold for overcoming my severe anxiety to talk to people after praying for so long for friends and im selfish for wanting better ones, what a waste of time and energy. sorry.

 

[Codename_Joryu]

I can relate, because of my autism I was never able to have what society calls "normal people' as friends. Even if I tried, I could never form a connection and keep up with them. The only people I could've been friends with were mentally fucked up people who were literal danger to society. Literally my first memory from when I moved schools was my friend showing me cp and gore during break. I don't want to go into too much details, but being friends with those people caused me irreversible damage to my mental health. I even tried cutting out all toxic people from my life, but guess what? I had no one left after that. So I keep coming back to them, even though I know that they are the most toxic and horrible people I have ever met. So I truly feel sorry for you, I just hope you'll find someone who will actually appreciate you and value you as a friend. You can try talking to people on this site, they are really supportive and understanding, at least from my experience.

 

[uselessflesh]

I can relate, because of my autism I was never able to have what society calls "normal people' as friends. Even if I tried, I could never form a connection and keep up with them. The only people I could've been friends with were mentally fucked up people who were literal danger to society. Literally my first memory from when I moved schools was my friend showing me cp and gore during break. I don't want to go into too much details, but being friends with those people caused me irreversible damage to my mental health. I even tried cutting out all toxic people from my life, but guess what? I had no one left after that. So I keep coming back to them, even though I know that they are the most toxic and horrible people I have ever met. So I truly feel sorry for you, I just hope you'll find someone who will actually appreciate you and value you as a friend. You can try talking to people on this site, they are really supportive and understanding, at least from my experience.

thank you, this does resonate with me because i too feel like it's difficult to find people who can accept and relate with my "taboo" or odd interests without also being awful people just because it's outside of the norm or mainstream or just misunderstood in general.. i feel so bad for you i'd be terrified if a "friend" showed me those things, makes me fear for them and their victim's wellbeing. i'll keep trying and hopefully connect with someone on a deeper level, i hope you're able to as well because i know autism can really set us back a lot socially