Venting I feel like I’m too far gone to get better

[lost.ghost]

I feel like I'm way too far gone to get any help and things only seem to be getting worse even with help. I know it would take a very long time for me to live a normal life again so I don't really see continuing. Even if things get better I will still be on meds and struggling. I just feel like it's time to give up

 

[discokicks]

That's kind of where I'm at too. Too much alcohol, too many pills, too much damage both to myself and others. What is your story?

 

[TiredHorse]

That's where I am, too.

Sometimes people are too broken to fix --like me. Some things worked for a while --microdosing, acupuncture, etc.-- but now they don't. The nightmares are back, the meltdowns, the broken sleep, the lack of appetite, the physical discoordination...

I can imagine ways that life might become survivable, but none of them are remotely plausible.

With no hope of fixing anything, why continue?

 

[JoeFailure]

If I was isolated somewhere or make a decent living in some really small, blue collar town I think I might be OK. Being around people who are so happy and have money and can do whatever they want is what makes my pain so agonizing. I'm not even bitter that they all get that, that's cool, I'm glad they're happy.

I just wish I could be too.
I also know everyone says life isn't fair and I might be better off than a lot of people in the world. But it's just bullshit how unfair the world is. Even if I hadn't had things happen to me in my past that derailed my life, I'm still not as smart as a lot of these ultra successful people. Some people just hustled their way into great careers or businesses, I do get that. But some really are just born gifted.

It's just garbage. I would literally be ecstatic with a middle class life. I don't need all the fancy vacations or things. But that's not looking good at all either.

 

[JadedGray]

I know what you mean. We have to struggle just to settle for less, while others are rewarded with everything they could ever want and more without any effort at all.

 

[toolateforme]

I know what you mean. We have to struggle just to settle for less, while others are rewarded with everything they could ever want and more without any effort at all.

I think this is one of the things that depresses me the most about having to CTB. Literally millions upon millions of other people with "normal" lives, but we had to be one of the unlucky ones who are faced with the necessity of having to die.

It's SO fucking hard for me not to be bitter. But weirdly enough at the same time, as I become more accepting of having to CTB, I start to feel more free. I guess it's forcing me to look at the bright side of things, I dunno. It'd be really nice to be one of those normal folks with normal lives, but I'm happy with what I got to live through up until this point.

 

[JadedGray]

I think this is one of the things that depresses me the most about having to CTB. Literally millions upon millions of other people with "normal" lives, but we had to be one of the unlucky ones who are faced with the necessity of having to die.

It's SO fucking hard for me not to be bitter. But weirdly enough at the same time, as I become more accepting of having to CTB, I start to feel more free. I guess it's forcing me to look at the bright side of things, I dunno. It'd be really nice to be one of those normal folks with normal lives, but I'm happy with what I got to live through up until this point.

That's the unfairness of life and one of the main reasons I want to CTB rather than accept my fate of being a failure in this world, despite trying my whole life to atleast have an average life. I used to be bitter as well, but I don't hold any animosity towards the individuals who got to be the luck of the draw. I've accepted that I got the short end of the stick and a raw deal in life. It could have been anyone. It's a relief not to be confined to this world anymore or life itself.

 

[toolateforme]

That's the unfairness of life and one of the main reasons I want to CTB rather than accept my fate of being a failure in this world, despite trying my whole life to atleast have an average life. I used to be bitter as well, but I don't hold any animosity towards the individuals who got to be the luck of the draw. I've accepted that I got the short end of the stick and a raw deal in life. It could have been anyone. It's a relief not to be confined to this world anymore or life itself.

That's a good way to look at it. As i've become more accepting of my fate, I've been finding more relief as well that I don't have to exist in this kind of world - a world where people like me needlessly suffer in spite of how much willpower or desire they might possess to change their circumstances.

I used to want kids so that I could provide a life better than my own, but eventually decided against it, one of the reasons being that literally nothing can protect them from outside circumstances like what happened to me. Nothing controls external forces, even if you try your hardest.

So I want to CTB for a similar reason - I understand that continuing to live will only bring more hardship than it's worth. Unfortunately this will displace the pain to my family but I'm going to write a suicide note to try and tie up as many loose ends as possible, as well as try to soften the blow.

I really, really wish we lived in a time where CTB was more accepted, then maybe I'd be able to seek assisted suicide and at least say goodbye to family and not have to die alone. But I have to pick the lesser of two evils, unfortunately.

 

[JadedGray]

That's a good way to look at it. As i've become more accepting of my fate, I've been finding more relief as well that I don't have to exist in this kind of world - a world where people like me needlessly suffer in spite of how much willpower or desire they might possess to change their circumstances.

I used to want kids so that I could provide a life better than my own, but eventually decided against it, one of the reasons being that literally nothing can protect them from outside circumstances like what happened to me. Nothing controls external forces, even if you try your hardest.

So I want to CTB for a similar reason - I understand that continuing to live will only bring more hardship than it's worth. Unfortunately this will displace the pain to my family but I'm going to write a suicide note to try and tie up as many loose ends as possible, as well as try to soften the blow.

I really, really wish we lived in a time where CTB was more accepted, then maybe I'd be able to seek assisted suicide and at least say goodbye to family and not have to die alone. But I have to pick the lesser of two evils, unfortunately.

Yes, the natural order of things in this cruel world has made me accept death. It seems a lot of people have children because they want their offspring to do better in life than they did. It's an okay sentiment as long as it's not the only reason they had children and if they're not living through them vicariously like some parents do. It's only natural to want to start a family, but it's good to be perceptive and think about the possible future your kids will have in this world. Unfortunately, there is no way of really lessening the pain for loved ones. They can never know the pain suicidal people have gone through and that the pain dictates where life will take us, in this case the grave. Letting them know that you cared about them, that there is nothing they could have done to prevent this, and that you will now be free of this painful existence is all you can really say. It would be nice if we weren't in a position where we had to hide our intentions to end our lives and pretend and save face in the meantime, along with having to resort to either complicated or painful methods. I envy the people who ended up receiving assisted suicide, getting to die peacefully in a bed with their loved ones by their side who have come to accept their decision. At least we have the peace of mind of knowing that this life will soon be over once we have what we need to CTB.

 

[seekingoblivion]

Well I personally have no hope left of me being any better than I am. At this point I'm just trying to figure out the most effective way to ctb. Living life pretending to have a future is hella exhausting.

 

[spanishguy22]

I'm so far gone too

 

[AutumnEmbers]

This is how I feel too. After years of struggling, I've been forced to accept that things are never going to get better for me, at least not enough to make life worth living. I'm well beyond any kind of help and have damaged my life beyond repair. Therapy did absolutely nothing for me and medication has only made things worse. There's nothing more I can do and I'm so tired of struggling. I'm sorry you feel you've reached this point too.

 

[SomebodyBroken]

This is how I feel too. After years of struggling, I've been forced to accept that things are never going to get better for me, at least not enough to make life worth living. I'm well beyond any kind of help and have damaged my life beyond repair. Therapy did absolutely nothing for me and medication has only made things worse. There's nothing more I can do and I'm so tired of struggling. I'm sorry you feel you've reached this point too.

in any situation it will seem that there is a way out...
you will find excuses for doing it tomorrow, next week, and so on..
but if ctb fails to do or not painlessly. you just take and do, no matter what..

 

[AutumnEmbers]

in any situation it will seem that there is a way out...
you will find excuses for doing it tomorrow, next week, and so on..
but if ctb fails to do or not painlessly. you just take and do, no matter what..

Yes, when we fail or feel unable to ctb, we often find a way to convince ourselves to keep going. I deluded myself for a long time into believing that I could turn things around and that I would do it tomorrow/next week/next month/in the new year. I did try, but I failed every time. I feel I have little choice now but to accept defeat and give up.

 

[lost.ghost]

That's kind of where I'm at too. Too much alcohol, too many pills, too much damage both to myself and others. What is your story?

I was verbally abused and sexually abused as a child and I started cutting when I was around 11 and became fascinated with suicide. I attempted twice when I was 12. Hanging, and then drinking a bottle of cough syrup with alcohol. for a while I started feeling better but overtime I just went back downhill and I knew I would. Last year I overdosed on sleeping pills, Zoloft, and Latuda. And another time I went to the top of a really big parking garage and climbed on the ledge and almost jumped. Now I'm hearing and seeing things and I think everyone in the world is in a group to try to kill me and I feel like houses are only placed there as watching points for people to look at me. I'm addicted to cutting myself and I'm wanting to stab myself. I have a heart condition that worries me to death and I don't want to be worried anymore. I don't want to be paranoid anymore. I don't want to be sad anymore

 

[SomebodyBroken]

I was verbally abused and sexually abused as a child and I started cutting when I was around 11 and became fascinated with suicide. I attempted twice when I was 12. Hanging, and then drinking a bottle of cough syrup with alcohol. for a while I started feeling better but overtime I just went back downhill and I knew I would. Last year I overdosed on sleeping pills, Zoloft, and Latuda. And another time I went to the top of a really big parking garage and climbed on the ledge and almost jumped. Now I'm hearing and seeing things and I think everyone in the world is in a group to try to kill me and I feel like houses are only placed there as watching points for people to look at me. I'm addicted to cutting myself and I'm wanting to stab myself. I have a heart condition that worries me to death and I don't want to be worried anymore. I don't want to be paranoid anymore. I don't want to be sad anymore

This is really bad, we can not help you with that.
in modern society, it is believed that it is treated (and the fact that it leads to bad effects of the body, apparently forget).
on the one hand, they should allow euthanasia to people with a mental disorder ... but on the other hand, billions of money are earned annually from this "treatment" and it is impossible to stop...

 

[lost.ghost]

One of the reasons I haven't CTB is because I have a pet bird who's basically my child and would become severely depressed without me

This is really bad, we can not help you with that.
in modern society, it is believed that it is treated (and the fact that it leads to bad effects of the body, apparently forget).
on the one hand, they should allow euthanasia to people with a mental disorder ... but on the other hand, billions of money are earned annually from this "treatment" and it is impossible to stop...

I don't really expect anyone to help me I'm just venting on here

 

[dyingtodie]

I learned that many normal people I envied due to their popularity or societal success were simply stupider than me and their nervous systems were just not nearly as sensitive. Many of them are like dogs. This stupidity allowed them to be happy and enjoy things my truth seeking self simply could not. None of the people I looked up to for their social skills and community of friends were able to engage with me on pressing environmental issues that threatened their futures. They just couldn't or wouldn't go there. And I, can't not go there, because I literally feel the suffering of this planet in my body every day. But, because I can feel so intensely, I have a great capacity for joy, bliss, ecstasy...these states can co-habitate with deep depression in me. I take solace in the idea that I've experienced more beauty and delight than mr. popular will ever be physically capable of, those neurotypical fuckers. (Apologies to any Neurotypical people here, I know I must sound like an asshole...I'm not Aspergers, but having known a couple dear Asperger souls I do feel I'm well on the spectrum.) Even though the reason I am able to experience such high states is the same reason that I suffer such a miserable life. I came, I saw, I became Enlightened, I killed myself. Who wouldn't?

I too wish I lived in a society that was compassionate enough to assist me in euthanizing myself. It's extra sad to have to be so lonely in this endeavor that nobody will talk with me about unless it's to try to 'help' me. I've toyed with the idea of having a goodbye party for myself and inviting anyone who knows me to come celebrate with a dance party by a bon-fire or something. God, I'd really love to do that actually. I could just say I've received a terminal diagnosis that I prefer not to discuss as there is nothing that can be done about it anyways, so just come celebrate with me and give me one last hug. Or...be totally straight up as to the reasons why I am catching the bus, and say this isn't a cry for help, you're under no obligation or pressure to try to 'help me' and if you do so you'll be asked to leave the party, or worse be sacrified to the bonfire. If they do bring up the subject of my seemingly premature leaving I'll quickly close it, and tell people I've been telling them this for years, I am closed to the idea of staying...the time has now come to celebrate!! But, would that somehow give the authorities a 'right' to lock me up in a psych ward? That'd be the fear there.

My cat is like my child...and now I'm a grandfather as she had 3 kittens this week, and they're crushingly adorable...though they do whine and cry and we're sharing a van together (keeping them safe from predators) and I must say I now understand and have compassion for infanticide as I've been having dreams of killing these cats. All of them. Then, I'd feel so bad...I'd basically HAVE to be next :)

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I definitely relate. This is where I'm at too. I have tried and tried to fix my ruined life. Meds, therapy nothing has worked. Everything I try seems to just fail anyway . I can't hold a job, I only seem to get into bad relationships the list goes on. And with health problems too I'm just like why? Why should I keep trying and waiting for things to "get better" . My life is so broken and bad and I have dug a hole so deep there is no point and there is no fixing it. It does not always "get better". And I'm just too tired at this point anyway.

 

[spanishguy22]

I must say I now understand and have compassion for infanticide as I've been having dreams of killing these cats. All of them. Then, I'd feel so bad...I'd basically HAVE to be next :)

This is so fucked up and just pissed me off. Thanks for ruined mood I guess. Poor cats.. you can give them for adoption...

 

[JadedGray]

This is so fucked up and just pissed me off. Thanks for ruined mood I guess. Poor cats.. you can give them for adoption...

Ruined mood on a suicide forum. :P

 

[Spartacus00]

Ruined mood on a suicide forum. :P

Never thought I use that emoji on here but I was mistaken ruined your mood

 

[JadedGray]

Never thought I use that emoji on here but I was mistaken ruined your mood

Well, even though we're on a suicide forum we can still have a laugh here and there.

 

[tomz323]

Well, even though we're on a suicide forum we can still have a laugh here and there.

I agree, we're not robots after all. Well kinda, but you know what I mean.

 

[JadedGray]

I agree, we're not robots after all. Well kinda, but you know what I mean.

We've probably been more in touch with our emotions than the average person.

 

[lululoo]

That's the unfairness of life and one of the main reasons I want to CTB rather than accept my fate of being a failure in this world, despite trying my whole life to atleast have an average life. I used to be bitter as well, but I don't hold any animosity towards the individuals who got to be the luck of the draw. I've accepted that I got the short end of the stick and a raw deal in life. It could have been anyone. It's a relief not to be confined to this world anymore or life itself.

I'm also reaching a place of acceptance about this. I do wish though that more people had an understanding of how much in life is about luck. I think only us unlucky ones really get it. I hate knowing that some people look down on me and blame me for all my problems. Even those who caused most of them (my family). But oh well. My bitterness has eased up a lot because I see a doorway out of this misery. And it feels so much better to not have to struggle anymore. To not have to push through depression and debilitating physical symptoms to make a living and try to "meet someone" and make all these efforts that just aren't going to pay off.

 

[JadedGray]

I'm also reaching a place of acceptance about this. I do wish though that more people had an understanding of how much in life is about luck. I think only us unlucky ones really get it. I hate knowing that some people look down on me and blame me for all my problems. Even those who caused most of them (my family). But oh well. My bitterness has eased up a lot because I see a doorway out of this misery. And it feels so much better to not have to struggle anymore. To not have to push through depression and debilitating physical symptoms to make a living and try to "meet someone" and make all these efforts that just aren't going to pay off.

A lot of people believe that we make our own luck and that our problems are our own fault. Unless they've had to live through a lifetime of misfortune, they will never understand. It's liberating in a way to accept death. We didn't get to choose how our lives began, but we can at least choose how they will end.

 

[dyingtodie]

My apologies @
spanishguy22

What you quoted was a mixture of my honesty and dark humor.
I should clarify that I have immense love for these 3 kittens and her Momma. They're just whiney little runts at this point and wake every couple hours through the night whining and meowing which has been interrupting my sleep and making me more depressed and suicidal. And...it's not like I have any space for them to be besides in my van, so I'm just taking care of them as best as I can. I can't give them ALL up for adoption right now, as the Momma is my only reason to live. They need weeks more with their mom but I may be dead by then, so I'm not sure what to do. They're 1 week old...yeah I should just send them to a Euthanasia shelter, that'd be nice of me. Infanticide is a real thing...it happens. I was just saying that I can relate now that I have 3 infants who won't stop crying in the night. That's all.

 

[headinghome]

That's where I am, too.

Sometimes people are too broken to fix --like me. Some things worked for a while --microdosing, acupuncture, etc.-- but now they don't. The nightmares are back, the meltdowns, the broken sleep, the lack of appetite, the physical discoordination...

I can imagine ways that life might become survivable, but none of them are remotely plausible.

With no hope of fixing anything, why continue?

Because finding a way to successfully kill yourself is too difficult??

 

[Hotsackage]

I'm. Basically a walking dementia patient. So I feel y