Decayed
Member
- Oct 16, 2023
- 45
it's currently 6am i haven't slept and i've been doing a lot of thinking
i think i've stopped feeling alive, before there were brief moment of joy or the closest thing to it but lately everyday feels the same like im stuck in a loop, i can't tell the days apart and im never really present, im on auto pilot and the button to take control is broken. i wonder if im already dead if im in limbo i've been feeling this way since i slit my throat in the ward, nothing feels real i go to sh but i cant i just feel like there's no point like im going to wake up one day and all my cuts and scars will be gone that ill be 13 again and all of this was a horrific nightmare or some weird coma.
im lost every thing is too colourful it looks fake or its all muted and im lost in fog unable to move i just lay in bed thinking about how im going to do the same thing tomorrow and the next day and the next until i die or wake up, i think that everything is nothing and i wish i could do something but every step i do to make a life for myself seems like a waste of effort, like what's the point when im just a corpse rotting in the ground and everything is just some hellish punishment.
i wonder when i died if i was scared, im not scared which is weird cause thats one of my default emotions, i've spent ridiculous amounts of money on worthless shit just to feel something but it doesn't work i can't feel i can't move on from this endless maze till i find what stopping me i think maybe if i die or reach game over or finish my undone business if i am some sort of ghost it'll all be over that i'll be able to slip into nothing and i'll be gone and no one will remember me because ill be nothing but bones in the ground
sorry for the long post i can't talk to anyone irl about this cause they are trigger happy when it comes to sending me to the psych ward and if im stuck in limbo i might as well be able to wander
i think i've stopped feeling alive, before there were brief moment of joy or the closest thing to it but lately everyday feels the same like im stuck in a loop, i can't tell the days apart and im never really present, im on auto pilot and the button to take control is broken. i wonder if im already dead if im in limbo i've been feeling this way since i slit my throat in the ward, nothing feels real i go to sh but i cant i just feel like there's no point like im going to wake up one day and all my cuts and scars will be gone that ill be 13 again and all of this was a horrific nightmare or some weird coma.
im lost every thing is too colourful it looks fake or its all muted and im lost in fog unable to move i just lay in bed thinking about how im going to do the same thing tomorrow and the next day and the next until i die or wake up, i think that everything is nothing and i wish i could do something but every step i do to make a life for myself seems like a waste of effort, like what's the point when im just a corpse rotting in the ground and everything is just some hellish punishment.
i wonder when i died if i was scared, im not scared which is weird cause thats one of my default emotions, i've spent ridiculous amounts of money on worthless shit just to feel something but it doesn't work i can't feel i can't move on from this endless maze till i find what stopping me i think maybe if i die or reach game over or finish my undone business if i am some sort of ghost it'll all be over that i'll be able to slip into nothing and i'll be gone and no one will remember me because ill be nothing but bones in the ground
sorry for the long post i can't talk to anyone irl about this cause they are trigger happy when it comes to sending me to the psych ward and if im stuck in limbo i might as well be able to wander
