Water-Lily
Enlightened
- Dec 26, 2020
- 1,182
This is weird. I know this is weird but here goes
I dabble back and forth with the idea of recovery. Some could say I am doing the "right" things. I see a trauma therapist every week. I was on Zoloft for about a year (weaned off due to conflict with psychiatrist) and I try to exercise and engage hobbies and stuff. But I still think about suicide everyday. I have this addiction to escaping my problems and delving into thoughts of dying. Of revenge, of pain, of escape, and of love. That my fiber of being is so minuscule and burdensome that I would die as a test to see who cares. And of course I would be dead so I would never know. But, hypothetically, I feel nobody would care about me unless I die. Or that maybe some people would be happy with my death. And then there is wanting to get back at this world and the people who hurt me. It's probably a BPD thing but that's how I feel. Overall with all the trauma and abuse I have suffered I just feel its too much and I am better off dead than to try and get hurt.
At 13 my mom told me to die. From then out she would say it often. And I thought "maybe she would love me if I did it" but I was too chicken too. Too scared. and then I believed that everything would "get better" when I was instead bullied and sexually assaulted multiple times .Some parts of my sexual abuse is hard to talk about still, and it left me with major trust issues with men and self esteem problems. overall I just hate myself and want to die. But I am also scared. I could fuck up and end up in a hospital for months and be slapped with a huge bill. Have face the people who would question why I did it. nobody would treat me the same.
I don't know why I am writing this. I am just in so much pain.
I dabble back and forth with the idea of recovery. Some could say I am doing the "right" things. I see a trauma therapist every week. I was on Zoloft for about a year (weaned off due to conflict with psychiatrist) and I try to exercise and engage hobbies and stuff. But I still think about suicide everyday. I have this addiction to escaping my problems and delving into thoughts of dying. Of revenge, of pain, of escape, and of love. That my fiber of being is so minuscule and burdensome that I would die as a test to see who cares. And of course I would be dead so I would never know. But, hypothetically, I feel nobody would care about me unless I die. Or that maybe some people would be happy with my death. And then there is wanting to get back at this world and the people who hurt me. It's probably a BPD thing but that's how I feel. Overall with all the trauma and abuse I have suffered I just feel its too much and I am better off dead than to try and get hurt.
At 13 my mom told me to die. From then out she would say it often. And I thought "maybe she would love me if I did it" but I was too chicken too. Too scared. and then I believed that everything would "get better" when I was instead bullied and sexually assaulted multiple times .Some parts of my sexual abuse is hard to talk about still, and it left me with major trust issues with men and self esteem problems. overall I just hate myself and want to die. But I am also scared. I could fuck up and end up in a hospital for months and be slapped with a huge bill. Have face the people who would question why I did it. nobody would treat me the same.
I don't know why I am writing this. I am just in so much pain.
