Venting i don't want to be human

[encore]

i almost attempted the other week and with each passing day i feel like i should've done it. i should have jumped out. none of the good parts of my life are worth the suffering i deal with on the daily basis. every time i break down, i feel like a burden. even if my loved ones don't say it outright, nobody enjoys caring for a mentally ill person who is constantly angry, suffering and in need of help. my boyfriend tells me he loves me and that it's okay for me to be unwell, that he doesn't mind it, that i'm worthy of it because of what i went through, but i don't believe that one bit.

waking up daily is fighting. everything in my life is a constant fight for survival. everything hurts on a level deeper than physical. it eats me alive and leaves me wondering why i'm still bothering. the only reason why i'm still alive is because i don't want to make my partner sad, i don't want to force him to go through another suicide loss. but at the same time, i'm so, so tired and inconsolable all the time. nothing gives me hope anymore.

i really wish i could upload my consciousness online and exist as data. i don't want to be physical anymore. i don't want to suffer anymore. i don't want to be human anymore.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really understand feeling so tired of it all, I also just don't wish to suffer at all, personally I'd never wish for human existence. But anyway I wish you the best.