I don't wanna see those I love dying anymore.

[WornOutLife]

Does this make me super duper selfish?

I haven't experienced so many deaths but there were 4 which made me extremely depressed: My two grandmas, a friend who died at 27 and my grandpa who died last January. (this one hurt me the most)

Now, the only individuals I really love and don't want to see dying are my dad, dog, brother and my mom (in spite of having a mental illness; schizophrenia, and being a monster sometimes).

However, if I don't ctb, get super sick, or have an accident, I would probably have to see them die. I will never get over that and probably ctb immediately and impulsively.

I just can't stop thinking about this. Some people tell me that's the way life is but damn, why does it have to be like this?
Also, if I ctb right now they will probably suffer too so, there's no way to prevent this "harm"

Anyway, needed to vent about this.

Any thoughts? Can you relate?

 

[amarillo]

For me it's the other way around. I wish my close family members died before me, so that they won't have to suffer because of my suicide. Another plus would be, like you also mentioned, that I might be so saddened by their deaths that I finally find the courage to ctb. (':

But this is just wishful thinking. My family members are still young(ish) and something terrible would have to happen for them to die now. So it's probably gonna be me before them anyway.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Actually, I kind of want more people to die. I haven't really dealt with death a lot. In terms of pets, I wasn't there at the time of passing. As far as human family/loved ones, there just hasn't really been any. There was my great grandmother, but they refused to let me go to the funeral and it was a different emotional connection. Then there was a family friend but she was getting cremated when I went so she literally wasn't at her own funeral. I want someone close. I want it to hurt. I want to understand/know how people will feel when I go, but I dont. Right now I'm completely oblivious to it. Just "I'm gone now". There's no emotion surrounding my death, at least from my perspective. I know they'd care but I don't know, if that makes sense.

 

[loopylou]

both my parents died in the last 6 years. This is a huge part of my decision. I have lost many friends through suicide. No, your not selfish. When you feel so Down it's easy to hold onto people who show kindness. If I don't go before you, I will miss you. I know that much

 

[ExhaustedExistence]

It doesn't make you selfish at all. You are just a caring person. I'm really sorry about your relatives.

I've experienced only one death. It was a death of my grandpa, but I didn't even cry, because I saw him only as a little child, so can't remember him. Anyway he was a very bad person and he was also in jail. I almost forgot mention his death, because I don't consider him as a family.

I can't imagine that some close members of my family will be gone one day. I don't want to see them dying too. I hope I could ctb before that. The good thing about ctb before your loved ones are gone is that there is still someone who cares about you. If I won't be able to ctb before that there won't be anybody who will be sad about my death. Actually maybe this a good thing too. I dunno.

 

[Moose.000]

I have those same exact thoughts my friend, literally. And my grandfather's death destroyed me. My one dog that passed 5 years ago still effects me. I still feel the bed move as if he's jumping up to lay next to me. My dreams of him are so vivid I'm holding him and actually smelling his scent... Then I wake up. I recently lost my mom but my depression and DiD has prevented me from grieving so I have alot bottled in that haunts me mostly during idle time and in dreams. I'd much rather CTB before losing my dad or another dog. Life is pretty fucked up. Our conscious minds are too weak to control our subconscious minds. It's where our demons live. Like the saying goes, "I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim."

 

[bloomingdark]

Hi Matt, i'm really sorry about all the people you lost, hopefuly there's peace wherever they are, being so gentle and caring is what has put you through this, mourning someone even if it's a part of life is never easy, and it leaves a mark on us forever, we have to survive with that but we cannot deny that our hearts will be forever remembering that loss.


I can relate with some people, mostly I'm zooned out, and so depressed to even realized how i actually feel about others but I know how you're feeling


Big hugs! Wish you the best.

 

[Bedrock48]

I heavily relate to this, I've had what I would say is an "unnatural" amount of deaths to deal with in my lifetime. 4 family members, 4 cats, 2 friends as well as a few acquaintances dying which affected me. In 2019 my old church had I believe 9 (I lost count) members die, only saving grace was I wasn't really close to them so I never really grieved.

There's also multiple people and animals that I don't want to see die, most of whom could realistically die soon. Like yourself, I don't know how I'd stop myself ctb after these deaths.

In one respect, death is part of life but to experience multiple deaths can take a toll on the most stable of humans. To be honest, it seems a pretty human response to want to escape that pain. Everyone's methods of escape are different, some meditate, some drink and some might even ctb. I don't think you're selfish for the way you're thinking at all.

I hope venting helped you.

 

[Symbiote]

I have had 6 deaths in the last 5 years. First one was my mom, but didn't really care too much. 2nd was my best friend's mom, and then my best friend's dad, I was close to them because they took me in when shit got too rough at my house. 4th was my step-aunt, she was always kind and gave me presents and complimented my story telling. 5th was my grandpa on my step-dad's side, and then 6th was my grandma on stepdad's side as well.

People just dropping left and right out of my life.. lol

 

[LastFlowers]

Oddly enough, I do understand the sentiment, despite my looming hatred and mixed feelings about my family and such.
I also feel many of us here have already experienced too much pain to bear, so of course we would want to avoid the possibility of any more. Maybe if I was as apathetic to those around me as they are to me, I wouldn't feel this way, but I've always given a little too much of a damn, even if the person did not deserve it.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Losing such a large number of loved ones back to back is extremely tragic, I'm so sorry you've had to witness this much death Matt. You're so right about how others tend to dismiss this gravity of such a loss, framing the grief as a basal and intrinsic part of our existence. I've always hated it too when people say, "Oh hun, it's the circle of life! That's just how life is! "

Well, maybe people should think more about the inevitably of death before they choose to create new life. Every cradle is a grave, after all. Yet people seem to have severe cognitive dissonance about this and try to distract themselves from mortality until they physically can't run from it anymore. They have children not realizing that one day their innocent offspring will have to contemplate this extesential dillema when they never consented to it. That's another topic entirely, though.

It is so hard to cope when you lose so many people you cherish, especially in a short duration. My father died when I was a child, and I can hardly remember what he was like now. His voice, what he looked like, his mannerisms, they are so fleeting in my mind. It is palpably scary how fast people dissappear from our memories once they have left this earth.

With time, we lose more and more people we care about, and you're spot on that it doesn't get any easier. Lots of cousins, aunts, and uncles of mine have ctb over the years and even though I wasn't close to them I always wondered what drove them to dying, as many of them were quite young. One of my close friends also ctb when we were both 18 and it was very devastating to me.

Two of my grandparents and my remaining aunt were always ill and pretty much knocking at death's door throughout my adolescence, so I was always bracing myself for their passing. Despite their abusive nature, I still felt sorrow for my relatives. Finding one of them delirious from a failed overdose was an all too common occurrence during my childhood. Once I ran away and cut them off, I was forced to accept the reality that they would likely die within a few years.

By far the worst experience I have had with death though, was the loss of my grandfather. He was one of the two people in my family who actually loved me. Having to watch him deteriorate over the span of several months and then witnessing his body wasting away and shutting down, all while he was treated like cattle and just another number by the hospital staff, was too much for me to bear. Seeing someone die in such a painful way has traumatized me immensely. I will never forget it.

Bearing the burden of grief is yet another horrible facet of this so called gift of life, and I despise it.

 

[loopylou]

I went to see my dad when the hospital phoned and said his breathing is shallow and he would likely die that day. I was quite late to the hospital as I was sleeping in late and didn't hear my phone. I was tired because I was sat in my car crying trying to do partial off the 'oh shit handle' in the front. Nobody but here knows that. He was unconscious for a few days prior, but that day as I left I said to him in his ear ' I love you dad' and he muttered ' I love you too' he didn't say a word after that till he passed a while later. That will always stay with me,

I wish I could say goodbye to my family before I go :(

 

[GarageKarate07]

Does this make me super duper selfish?

I haven't experienced so many deaths but there were 4 which made me extremely depressed: My two grandmas, a friend who died at 27 and my grandpa who died last January. (this one hurt me the most)

Now, the only individuals I really love and don't want to see dying are my dad, dog, brother and my mom (in spite of having a mental illness; schizophrenia, and being a monster sometimes).

However, if I don't ctb, get super sick, or have an accident, I would probably have to see them die. I will never get over that and probably ctb immediately and impulsively.

I just can't stop thinking about this. Some people tell me that's the way life is but damn, why does it have to be like this?
Also, if I ctb right now they will probably suffer too so, there's no way to prevent this "harm"

Anyway, needed to vent about this.

Any thoughts? Can you relate?

I have had about 3 to 5 deaths that I can't get over. One I will never get over. On the plus side maybe once we die we get to greet our loved ones instead of saying goodbye and then live on in this shithole. Maybe we will get to say welcome to heaven!!

 

[fly away]

@loopylou Always remember that you and your Dad told each other that you loved each other. You'll always know that he was thinking of you at the end. That's a very special memory.

 

[GarageKarate07]

Maybe it's none of my business but maybe we shouldnt call people Matt....

 

[Life_and_Death]

Maybe it's none of my business but maybe we shouldnt call people Matt....

Why when it's his name? At least that's how he signs it at the end of some of his posts.

 

[WornOutLife]

Why when it's his name? At least that's how he signs it at the end of some of his posts.

Yes, dear. My name is Matt and I have no problem if you call me like that :)

 

[Life_and_Death]

Yes, dear. My name is Matt and I have no problem if you call me like that :)

We should start calling random people Matt

 

[Life sucks]

Yes I don't want to see people I love die. Its not only about real life but the forum and online as well. Actually death is a part of why life is inherently faulty. Everything just ends and disappears at the end like it never existed. Endings and disappearances are forms of death so its not limited to actual death. Time just moves and ends everything, the past dies and its impossible to recover it.

I lost many people and I lost many friends here. The sadness however isn't limited to that because the concept of time ends everything and the moments are lost forever. I feel sad because those moments died. I feel sad for animals, inanimate objects or even digital data. Places or changes that happens could be sad also, I was very sad when some of my favorite places died. The list is very long and actually endless. Thats why life is an inherent harm.

I'm sad for everything including death of humans. I'm sad that I exist and other humans and creatures exists. If someone considers some parts of life as good, those parts die and thats a harm, and the other bad parts of life are additional harm. So its harmful in both cases.


Life sucks

 

[GarageKarate07]

Yes, dear. My name is Matt and I have no problem if you call me like that :)

I was worried for the sake of pro-nazis having a look around. I dont think a lot of tracking can come from just a name. I know parents look for their kids on here but most of us dont have this problem.

 

[Cant Maintain]

I lost a significant amount of friends last year back to back to back to back and I don't think I've ever really recovered in the slightest. Honestly? Being disowned by/disowning my family has really made those bonds with friends feel like family, so it fucking guts me every time. I also live knowing that I'm in a high suicide rate/murder victim rate population, and I'm definitely going to see more and more.
I can totally empathize with not wanting to face death in the form of it happening to those you care about.

I wish I could give you some solid advice for grief...but there really isn't any that I've found at least. It just kinda nips at your heart now and again later when you least expect it.

 

[Isisnefert]

Estaba preocupado por el hecho de que los pro-nazis echaran un vistazo. No creo que gran parte del seguimiento pueda provenir de solo un nombre. Sé que los padres buscan a sus hijos aquí, pero la mayoría de nosotros no tenemos este problema.

A lot of pro-nazis here, I Am sad

 

[GarageKarate07]

A lot of pro-nazis here, I Am sad

Pro life nazis.....