I don't know how to think positively when negativity just makes more sense

[druggedonsurvival]

Hello everyone, I am in that group of users here who does want to recover. However, I have never been able to get past my personal cynicism at the idea of trying. I find my pessimistic outlook on life to be perfectly logical, although I can recognize when I am being unreasonable if I, for example, think that somebody hates me because they reacted to something I said in a way I didn't expect (but I tend to go on thinking they hate me despite this recognition).

My life is in a pretty good place right now: I'm almost finished with my last semester as an undergraduate, I've got this internship going, overall I've been pretty productive and I'm in a good position to follow I career path I find genuinely fulfilling. I used to think that would put me in a much better place because what caused my depression originally was this idea that I'd have to work some shitty job I hate until I die. However, I am not happy because I feel isolated and alone. I have no friends, and have never been in a relationship which is something I desire. I've been self-harming and resorting to hard liquor to cope with this intense feeling of distance. None of my peers or my colleagues or supervisors knows I'm going through this, which makes me feel even more alone (no way in hell they'd want to hear me talk about this, and I'm not sure I'd want them to know anyway).

I seem to have alternating moments of shaky, uncertain hope and despondency these days. I know I am in a good position to improve, yet the last month and a half or so has been the lowest point in my life since my depression started because I've never considered ctb this seriously before. The big problem is I want to reach out, but I can't stand so-called "positive thinking." Whenever I hear things like "believe in yourself," or "it'll get better" every part of me just reacts with a sarcastic "yeah fucking right." The inevitability of disappointment just makes so much more sense. I'm not even that depressed - I have things I enjoy, I can laugh on occasion, although I'm so busy with work and class that I don't have time to do those things. Honestly it's kind of shocking that I've made it this far - I guess Lexapro has kind of numbed me enough to the point where it's bearable enough to get through.

Anyway, I've just been trying my best to make it through every day. Having to hide my pain just makes everything feel worse. I can't argue against the inner voice that tells me I'm worthless and deserve to die if I don't have any external voice telling me otherwise. Maybe that's why despite how materially good my life is at the moment, it all still feels so shitty. Maybe nobody I know can really help me, I don't know. I can introspect and understand myself pretty well, but that's never helped me figure out how to feel better, or even believe that it's possible. I want to believe, I really do, but I just don't know how because every part of me tries to convince me that it's hopeless and that I'm better off dead, and I can't hear any arguments to the contrary from anyone.

Thanks for reading if you actually made it this far. I'm not looking for advice but if you have any to offer I'll read it of course. Really I just needed to get this stuff off my chest because I have no one to talk to.

 

[Linda]

There is a place in life for "positive thinking" but when you are down is not that place. It probably won't help, and is more likely to just annoy you. My own darkest days were my last few months as an undergraduate and the next few months. (I won't go into the reasons why.) My advice would be to just take it one day at a time. In your case, the odds are that things will improve eventually.

 

[-Link-]

The big problem is I want to reach out, but I can't stand so-called "positive thinking." Whenever I hear things like "believe in yourself," or "it'll get better" every part of me just reacts with a sarcastic "yeah fucking right."

It's unhelpful to push "positive thinking" on someone who is depressed. Anybody quoting these soundbite statements to you isn't really doing you any favours.

It is a common misconception that treatment for depression involves turning negatives into positives.

What you actually want to do (what you want to train your brain to do) is turn the negatives into neutrals.

As an example, the feeling of hopelessness, which comes from the thought, "I am hopeless."

Unhelpful positive thinking:
"I am hopeless" --> "It'll get better"
"I am hopeless" --> "I believe in myself"

Conditioning the brain to be more neutral:
"I am hopeless" --> "I have clinical depression"
"I am hopeless" --> "I'm doing the best I can to manage my depression"

One tip for doing this is to think of the five senses: What you can see, hear, touch, smell, and taste. Everything else is subject to interpretation. Opinions vs Facts. If you find yourself drowning in negativity, try to focus on the facts of a situation.

I'm not even that depressed

This is invalidating your own suffering. Reading your post here, and given the fact that you're on this forum, and while I'm not a medical doctor, I'm going to say that yeah, you're depressed. Probably substantially so, at a minimum.

You have an illness, you're dealing with its symptoms, it can be managed and even defeated, and you are doing the best you can. This isn't "failure". This is strength. Give yourself credit for doing all that you do even as you face a serious illness.

 

[druggedonsurvival]

It's unhelpful to push "positive thinking" on someone who is depressed. Anybody quoting these soundbite statements to you isn't really doing you any favours.

It is a common misconception that treatment for depression involves turning negatives into positives.

What you actually want to do (what you want to train your brain to do) is turn the negatives into neutrals.

As an example, the feeling of hopelessness, which comes from the thought, "I am hopeless."

Unhelpful positive thinking:
"I am hopeless" --> "It'll get better"
"I am hopeless" --> "I believe in myself"

Conditioning the brain to be more neutral:
"I am hopeless" --> "I have clinical depression"
"I am hopeless" --> "I'm doing the best I can to manage my depression"

One tip for doing this is to think of the five senses: What you can see, hear, touch, smell, and taste. Everything else is subject to interpretation. Opinions vs Facts. If you find yourself drowning in negativity, try to focus on the facts of a situation.


This is invalidating your own suffering. Reading your post here, and given the fact that you're on this forum, and while I'm not a medical doctor, I'm going to say that yeah, you're depressed. Probably substantially so, at a minimum.

You have an illness, you're dealing with its symptoms, it can be managed and even defeated, and you are doing the best you can. This isn't "failure". This is strength. Give yourself credit for doing all that you do even as you face a serious illness.

Hey, thank you for the response. Looking at things in a neutral way definitely seems more tolerable than thinking in a positive way, I'll have to try that. I definitely have depression (professionally diagnosed years ago), it can just be hard to tell when you're so busy that you don't have time to think about how depressed you are. I think focusing on what's real and factual is a good idea; I really need that perspective when rumination takes over.