Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
I really can't takè much more of ĺife and living. I just want a fucking method and to just rip at it. Like just burn through it and fucking reach death. I am tired of being alive and I have nothing to live for.
Methods that are physically involved are just too much for me..... like I would love to bleed out in my tub but painful and can take more than one try *shudders*
The thought of hanging makes me shudder and squirm as well... Like.... just feels or seems WAY too painful and I fear my anxiety may be like a hindrance to executing those plans properly.
I am a fucking sham. I have a 3 option list and... The first being N but I can barly see myself figuring that out without fucking up BUT ASIDE FROM MY LACK OF CONFIDENCE... I may need more money/a job to be able to risk buying that...
I can't take this anymore.... if I was in my old city I'd probably consider jumpinh off a bridge... there may be some here...
I almost did it multiple times... but could never get myself to just jump. It's hard.... Like I want control within my method.
All these fucking disappointments of life and living come crashing on me. No family no friends. No one would ever willingly be around me. During a pandemic and i lost everything close to "love" even tho tbh it was all just mistreatment... My supposed "best friend" last yr... enjoyed and only paid attention to me when I was talking about the bad things in my life. Didn't pay attention or care when I was doing good things for myself.....
Which was everyone in my life.they leeched off the good things and enjoyed being part of the drama and me being a failure during my bad times.
Been worthless from the beginning so....
Just want my life to end and quickly but even fucking planning to get N takes some fucking time.
I feel stupid for wasting so much and so long on my "life" when its nothing but fluffed up shit.
Like it's that meme where that dog is surrounded by fire but saying ita all fine. Thats my life. That's the life so many are encouraging me to live through.
Its a long weekend too. Which doesn't mean anything to me bc I don't do anything or have anyone.
I've been wanting to/considering chilling in the hospital for a little so I am.not so overwhelmed by basic shit like hygiene and to just get a break. Sit in a bed and plan on my phone/tablet/laptop.
But I needa leave things clean enough. So... maybe try to do that this weekend.
I'm hoping that by getting some space from my everyday I can have a more clear head to execute a plan. But tbh buried under lack of self care OR NOT.
I will die.
Aiming for fall but somehow feel like winter is a good time? I fucking hate summer. The heat the bugs I HATE IT. IT ALL GIVES ME SO MUCH FUCKING ANXIETY.
Just wanna end my life as soon as possible and I don't even feel like I have a good graap of that.
Sometimes I wanna say fuck it and make some half ass attempt... why? Bc its like... im not living anyway. Whats a step lower from that? Why does anything mattèr?
I understand the concept of wanting to be "in sound mind and mental state" to CTB and im like half and half of there rn. But i don't agree. If things were sound and I felt like I could maintain life then I wouldn't CTB in general.
I will be going out sad/lonely/depressed. This isnt some fucking celebration. Ima be grinding my teeth and dragging my weight until I can die....
Haaa I needa get it together for at least suicide bc I can't qith life anymore.
I think I can handle a few more weeks? But in a few weeks ima needa see or have some kinda tangible plan to keep going with it...
Like I just need to be moving toward death but I am... stuck and not into it anymore and I am not turning back to life anymore.
Methods that are physically involved are just too much for me..... like I would love to bleed out in my tub but painful and can take more than one try *shudders*
The thought of hanging makes me shudder and squirm as well... Like.... just feels or seems WAY too painful and I fear my anxiety may be like a hindrance to executing those plans properly.
I am a fucking sham. I have a 3 option list and... The first being N but I can barly see myself figuring that out without fucking up BUT ASIDE FROM MY LACK OF CONFIDENCE... I may need more money/a job to be able to risk buying that...
I can't take this anymore.... if I was in my old city I'd probably consider jumpinh off a bridge... there may be some here...
I almost did it multiple times... but could never get myself to just jump. It's hard.... Like I want control within my method.
All these fucking disappointments of life and living come crashing on me. No family no friends. No one would ever willingly be around me. During a pandemic and i lost everything close to "love" even tho tbh it was all just mistreatment... My supposed "best friend" last yr... enjoyed and only paid attention to me when I was talking about the bad things in my life. Didn't pay attention or care when I was doing good things for myself.....
Which was everyone in my life.they leeched off the good things and enjoyed being part of the drama and me being a failure during my bad times.
Been worthless from the beginning so....
Just want my life to end and quickly but even fucking planning to get N takes some fucking time.
I feel stupid for wasting so much and so long on my "life" when its nothing but fluffed up shit.
Like it's that meme where that dog is surrounded by fire but saying ita all fine. Thats my life. That's the life so many are encouraging me to live through.
Its a long weekend too. Which doesn't mean anything to me bc I don't do anything or have anyone.
I've been wanting to/considering chilling in the hospital for a little so I am.not so overwhelmed by basic shit like hygiene and to just get a break. Sit in a bed and plan on my phone/tablet/laptop.
But I needa leave things clean enough. So... maybe try to do that this weekend.
I'm hoping that by getting some space from my everyday I can have a more clear head to execute a plan. But tbh buried under lack of self care OR NOT.
I will die.
Aiming for fall but somehow feel like winter is a good time? I fucking hate summer. The heat the bugs I HATE IT. IT ALL GIVES ME SO MUCH FUCKING ANXIETY.
Just wanna end my life as soon as possible and I don't even feel like I have a good graap of that.
Sometimes I wanna say fuck it and make some half ass attempt... why? Bc its like... im not living anyway. Whats a step lower from that? Why does anything mattèr?
I understand the concept of wanting to be "in sound mind and mental state" to CTB and im like half and half of there rn. But i don't agree. If things were sound and I felt like I could maintain life then I wouldn't CTB in general.
I will be going out sad/lonely/depressed. This isnt some fucking celebration. Ima be grinding my teeth and dragging my weight until I can die....
Haaa I needa get it together for at least suicide bc I can't qith life anymore.
I think I can handle a few more weeks? But in a few weeks ima needa see or have some kinda tangible plan to keep going with it...
Like I just need to be moving toward death but I am... stuck and not into it anymore and I am not turning back to life anymore.
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