coolgal82
she/her, terminally silly :3
- Sep 10, 2024
- 135
I hate it i hate it i hate it i cant fucking take it anymore nothing in my brain is consistent nothing makes sense i cannot deal with this anymore im so fucking tired of it. sometimes i react one way in one situation sometimes a different way and idfk why. sometimes i feel one way about something other times its another for no reason. everything is constantly changing i have no idea who the fuck i am I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THAT THOUGHT IS REAL/ACCURATE OR IF IM JUST MAKING IT UP FOR ATTENTION OR MISINTERPRETING MY OWN FEELINGS OR SOMETHING. it's always constant fucking self doubt spirals. one minute im fine and i can say objectively "yes i do this and think this" then next its "is this feeling real? did i actually react that way or was i subconsciously faking it? did that actually happen like i remember it? did i misremember it or misinterpret it? is this doubt even real? am i just doubting because of this one fucking sentence i read about something completely different that said doubting it is a sign that it's real? am i just subconsciously trying to trick myself? is it all for attention?" and etc etc i dont fucking know anymore im so tired of feeling like this it's been like this for fucking years and it just gets worse and worse and worse and worse and i hate it so fucking much.
i want it to end i need it to end i need it to fucking stop i need to ctb if i had a rope at hand rn i'd be hanging myself. it doesnt help that my memory fucking sucks, and like remembering events is hard enough but remembering how events made me feel exactly? fucking impossible. i have no way to know how i really in detail felt like other than when i write down how i felt and even then i'm like "was this right? it felt right at the time i think but i couldve been mistaken?" i hate it i don't feel like a complete person like everything constantly shifts even big things like core beliefs just fucking change on a whim, its usually when i find a friend group and it changes to like fit with them automatically, like i start just absorbing their views/beliefs somewhat and traits and quirks, or start caring about certain things more/less if they don't change, and whenever i disagree with them my brain automatically tries to rationalise how i shouldn't care or that they're actually right in some way or something. it's like i'm just inside out sometimes and like whats them is me. kind of? i think? i have no idea? i remember saying that at some point but idfk i could be wrong.
it doesnt help that i have adhd (and autism) so like i have no real interests and i basically just get obsessed with a thing and then forget about it a bit later. my only consistent things are whatever my friends are into or atleast some of the things. but as soon as i lose those friends i kinda just barely care about it anymore.
i just have no idea of fucking anything anymore. im so tired. it feels like just floating through a void constantly moving with nothing to hold onto. at this point the only consistent thing i have (that isnt even truly consistent cus my brain changes it mind on them sometimes) is my besties. i love them so fucking much i would do anything for them i would die for them if they asked me to. not even in a suicidal way i just love them so fucking much (in a platonic way cus like the main two of them are dating lmao) i wanna make the ultimate sacrifice for them i want them to tell me to do it so i can die happy but they wont. idfk. i just love them so much. theyre my only somewhat consistent source of happiness i just wanna be with them 24/7 id move in with them if i could they are my entire life i am nothing without them they're all i have i would be dead already if i didnt have them they've done so much for me i love them they're perfect i just need to be around them to be happy, when im not around them most of the time im not happy and i miss them and i feel so alone and feel like i'll never be happy again, but when im vcing with them that all goes away and i just feel like everything is perfect. i need them.
i need them with me to be happy. when they don't vc or ignore me or have too much fun with other people/with eachother it makes me feel silly and have silly thoughts and sometimes do silly things (like one time one of them ignored me and i despised her and thought she was the worst for 8 hours or so and wrote a whole rant on how awful she was, this was an hour after having a breakdown about how she hated me (also like when i read it back it feels like another person wrote this, like all the traits i didnt care about or thought were positive i suddenly despised?) . another time i overshared too much in the venting channel so stayed off discord the whole day to not see their reaction incase it was negative, then when i opened it and saw no reaction after a day i panicked thinking i've fucked up and they hate me now and cut myself on my hand with a pair of scissors for the first time ever. i also had a moment the other day where my brain just decided they all hated me and were just toying with me so i said some very rude things and left and decided they were evil. then the next day i felt so guilty that i wrote a rant on how im evil and awful and should be locked up which is still probably true. also one time when one of them was being like too friendly with another person i got really angry at that person and got so jealous that i fucking threw up lmao. also when they all went on a trip and were on discord way less for like a week and didnt vc it was the worst week of my life. i was physically ill, all i did all day was watch movies, etc. i still havent fully recovered from that i dont think lmao.)
i hate my brain so much i hate everything im gonna fucking scream i need it all to end.
(also the mood swings are a fucking bitch tbh like i can go from being fine to just feeling like this for no reason lmao i think halfway through this near the end i went from the self doubt to just kinda feeling nothing really lmao. also it can happen in the reverse like i can go from feeling like im about to ctb to just suddenly super fucking happy sometimes. also like constant flipping between "i am awful and horrible and should die" to "im fucking awesome and invincible and never going to die" lmao. tbf its nice when i do have random moments of happiness but its also sad cus in those moments im alot more objective and i know it's probably not gonna last. i think anyway? it depends. it's like in those moments its more "ok well im happy now and might not be soon but like it's gonna be ok i wanna live i will be happy eventually" idk.)
i want it to end i need it to end i need it to fucking stop i need to ctb if i had a rope at hand rn i'd be hanging myself. it doesnt help that my memory fucking sucks, and like remembering events is hard enough but remembering how events made me feel exactly? fucking impossible. i have no way to know how i really in detail felt like other than when i write down how i felt and even then i'm like "was this right? it felt right at the time i think but i couldve been mistaken?" i hate it i don't feel like a complete person like everything constantly shifts even big things like core beliefs just fucking change on a whim, its usually when i find a friend group and it changes to like fit with them automatically, like i start just absorbing their views/beliefs somewhat and traits and quirks, or start caring about certain things more/less if they don't change, and whenever i disagree with them my brain automatically tries to rationalise how i shouldn't care or that they're actually right in some way or something. it's like i'm just inside out sometimes and like whats them is me. kind of? i think? i have no idea? i remember saying that at some point but idfk i could be wrong.
it doesnt help that i have adhd (and autism) so like i have no real interests and i basically just get obsessed with a thing and then forget about it a bit later. my only consistent things are whatever my friends are into or atleast some of the things. but as soon as i lose those friends i kinda just barely care about it anymore.
i just have no idea of fucking anything anymore. im so tired. it feels like just floating through a void constantly moving with nothing to hold onto. at this point the only consistent thing i have (that isnt even truly consistent cus my brain changes it mind on them sometimes) is my besties. i love them so fucking much i would do anything for them i would die for them if they asked me to. not even in a suicidal way i just love them so fucking much (in a platonic way cus like the main two of them are dating lmao) i wanna make the ultimate sacrifice for them i want them to tell me to do it so i can die happy but they wont. idfk. i just love them so much. theyre my only somewhat consistent source of happiness i just wanna be with them 24/7 id move in with them if i could they are my entire life i am nothing without them they're all i have i would be dead already if i didnt have them they've done so much for me i love them they're perfect i just need to be around them to be happy, when im not around them most of the time im not happy and i miss them and i feel so alone and feel like i'll never be happy again, but when im vcing with them that all goes away and i just feel like everything is perfect. i need them.
i need them with me to be happy. when they don't vc or ignore me or have too much fun with other people/with eachother it makes me feel silly and have silly thoughts and sometimes do silly things (like one time one of them ignored me and i despised her and thought she was the worst for 8 hours or so and wrote a whole rant on how awful she was, this was an hour after having a breakdown about how she hated me (also like when i read it back it feels like another person wrote this, like all the traits i didnt care about or thought were positive i suddenly despised?) . another time i overshared too much in the venting channel so stayed off discord the whole day to not see their reaction incase it was negative, then when i opened it and saw no reaction after a day i panicked thinking i've fucked up and they hate me now and cut myself on my hand with a pair of scissors for the first time ever. i also had a moment the other day where my brain just decided they all hated me and were just toying with me so i said some very rude things and left and decided they were evil. then the next day i felt so guilty that i wrote a rant on how im evil and awful and should be locked up which is still probably true. also one time when one of them was being like too friendly with another person i got really angry at that person and got so jealous that i fucking threw up lmao. also when they all went on a trip and were on discord way less for like a week and didnt vc it was the worst week of my life. i was physically ill, all i did all day was watch movies, etc. i still havent fully recovered from that i dont think lmao.)
i hate my brain so much i hate everything im gonna fucking scream i need it all to end.
(also the mood swings are a fucking bitch tbh like i can go from being fine to just feeling like this for no reason lmao i think halfway through this near the end i went from the self doubt to just kinda feeling nothing really lmao. also it can happen in the reverse like i can go from feeling like im about to ctb to just suddenly super fucking happy sometimes. also like constant flipping between "i am awful and horrible and should die" to "im fucking awesome and invincible and never going to die" lmao. tbf its nice when i do have random moments of happiness but its also sad cus in those moments im alot more objective and i know it's probably not gonna last. i think anyway? it depends. it's like in those moments its more "ok well im happy now and might not be soon but like it's gonna be ok i wanna live i will be happy eventually" idk.)
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