faust
lost among the stars
- Jan 26, 2020
- 3,138
To understand this post better, it is necessary to accept the fact that everything described below is not an exaggeration and is described
as it really is.
When we meet other people, we are often interested in their lives, ask what they do, who they are. Similar questions were asked to me, and I, of course, answered them, often with a lot of details. After all, I tried a lot of things, read many books and visited many different places. However, if earlier my views often changed, as well as my interests, now I generally
cannot say who I am. Yes, I recall what I ever did and how I could characterize myself, however, statements made in the present tense will most likely relate to the past.
However, this is just a top of the iceberg. Now I constantly live with thought that past has no relations to me, as if I'm telling someone's biography and this never happened to a person who I could call myself. That's like I'm just an observer, looking out from the veil of fog and seeing someone's blurred image.
Moreover, I can't identify myself at all, because my personality is worn to dust and shapeless. For a few hours my type of thinking,
attitudes can change completely and go in an unexpected direction, as if I'm reliving the story of completely different people who do not belong to me at all, no one accounts for them and I have never seen them in my whole life.
One could assume that several personalities live in me, however, the personalities themselves have no distinguishing features at all, they are unstable and constantly changing.
Everything is so blurred that not only me who has no self-identification, but also the images that are in my head
and which have nothing to do neither with me, nor with anyone else.
To make it easier to understand, there are old radios that you need to twist in order to tune to the desired frequency.
And if the radio is broken, then it's quite possible that you will not tune and probably where the music or speech should have been,
will be just a white noise. And if everything is still not completely broken, voices and songs seem to be very far away and
almost impossible to make out due to poor sound quality. The second scenario better describes my situation -
either interference, or some subtle sounds from the radio station. And when you start tuning anew, setting everything back, a completely different song is already playing there.
I don't know what is that and whether it can be called somehow. However, there is no time left for me to solve this equation.
I do not belong anywhere and do not belong to anything.
I am lost and will never be able to answer the question - who I am...
as it really is.
When we meet other people, we are often interested in their lives, ask what they do, who they are. Similar questions were asked to me, and I, of course, answered them, often with a lot of details. After all, I tried a lot of things, read many books and visited many different places. However, if earlier my views often changed, as well as my interests, now I generally
cannot say who I am. Yes, I recall what I ever did and how I could characterize myself, however, statements made in the present tense will most likely relate to the past.
However, this is just a top of the iceberg. Now I constantly live with thought that past has no relations to me, as if I'm telling someone's biography and this never happened to a person who I could call myself. That's like I'm just an observer, looking out from the veil of fog and seeing someone's blurred image.
Moreover, I can't identify myself at all, because my personality is worn to dust and shapeless. For a few hours my type of thinking,
attitudes can change completely and go in an unexpected direction, as if I'm reliving the story of completely different people who do not belong to me at all, no one accounts for them and I have never seen them in my whole life.
One could assume that several personalities live in me, however, the personalities themselves have no distinguishing features at all, they are unstable and constantly changing.
Everything is so blurred that not only me who has no self-identification, but also the images that are in my head
and which have nothing to do neither with me, nor with anyone else.
To make it easier to understand, there are old radios that you need to twist in order to tune to the desired frequency.
And if the radio is broken, then it's quite possible that you will not tune and probably where the music or speech should have been,
will be just a white noise. And if everything is still not completely broken, voices and songs seem to be very far away and
almost impossible to make out due to poor sound quality. The second scenario better describes my situation -
either interference, or some subtle sounds from the radio station. And when you start tuning anew, setting everything back, a completely different song is already playing there.
I don't know what is that and whether it can be called somehow. However, there is no time left for me to solve this equation.
I do not belong anywhere and do not belong to anything.
I am lost and will never be able to answer the question - who I am...