I can’t force myself over the edge

[dogdrool]

I'm not sure if anyone else relates but honestly the most frustrating thing I've learned recently is that I can't *force* myself to want to die.
I'm in that weird limbo where things hurt and I'm depressed and exhausted and things feel purposeless, I'm being self destructive and I've cut 80% of people off in my life but I'm not *quite* to the point of really being able to kill myself, so I'm just suffering. You know? I do want to die, but I don't want to do it *enough*.

I have quite unstable moods where I feel extremely depressed and distressed to the point of feeling like I HAVE to CTB for about 2 weeks, and then it slowly evens itself out again. I told myself that I'd never let myself experience that kind of distress again, but here I am letting the cycle continue. I guess I'm just waiting for something to push me over the edge. Next time I feel that way, I'll do it.

I'm just going through the motions right now. I have a mountain of uni work to do. Who knows when I'll figure that out.

Hopefully someone understands and I don't come off as sounding… off. I am suicidal, I have been for almost a decade (I am 19), it just goes up and down and I can't seem to end the cycle before it repeats itself again.

 

[itsgone2]

It doesn't get any easier. I want to and still can't. So many here stuck in limbo.

 

[swankysoup]

Wow it's like i wrote this. I cannot believe i have somehow "allowed" myself to live long enough to experience this. If i explained this intense suicidality and emotional deadness to my past self, they would be very disappointed in me for still even being alive and letting it get this bad. I feel so weak for being trapped in here.

 

[dogdrool]

Wow it's like i wrote this. I cannot believe i have somehow "allowed" myself to live long enough to experience this. If i explained this intense suicidality and emotional deadness to my past self, they would be very disappointed in me for still even being alive and letting it get this bad. I feel so weak for being trapped in here.

Exactly. If somehow I could've beamed this experience into my mind during my last attempt two months ago then I'm sure I'd have followed through. I've been feeling like shit for longer than two months, but having attempted so many times that I've run out of steam is a different experience. At least before I felt in control, now I just feel exhausted and helpless.

Now Christmas is here and so is new years and blah blah blah. I should've gotten it over with when it was warm enough to exist outside without becoming a popsicle and my mum wouldn't be waking up 3 weeks before Christmas with a policeman on her doorstep.

 

[swankysoup]

Exactly. If somehow I could've beamed this experience into my mind during my last attempt two months ago then I'm sure I'd have followed through. I've been feeling like shit for longer than two months, but having attempted so many times that I've run out of steam is a different experience. At least before I felt in control, now I just feel exhausted and helpless.

Now Christmas is here and so is new years and blah blah blah. I should've gotten it over with when it was warm enough to exist outside without becoming a popsicle and my mum wouldn't be waking up 3 weeks before Christmas with a policeman on her doorstep.

I can relate, i thought i was ready to go 2 years ago but i wasn't. Since then i found a good method, and have thought and planned it endlessly, so now i'm burnt out, numb, anxious, afraid. But since 2 years ago i developed false hopes and copes that have a stronghold of me at this time.

 

[dogdrool]

I can relate, i thought i was ready to go 2 years ago but i wasn't. Since then i found a good method, and have thought and planned it endlessly, so now i'm burnt out, numb, anxious, afraid. But since 2 years ago i developed false hopes and copes that have a stronghold of me at this time.

I am in exactly the same situation.

Incredibly burnt out, numb and afraid, as you said. For some reason, my brain has convinced itself that staying alive is worth it for the time being and I genuinely have no clue why. Sometimes I wish that something irreversible and horrible would happen so I'd feel justified in ending things.

It doesn't get any easier. I want to and still can't. So many here stuck in limbo.

It really is terrible, I'm sorry you're in the same situation. I don't understand why our brains do it to us

 

[swankysoup]

I am in exactly the same situation.

Incredibly burnt out, numb and afraid, as you said. For some reason, my brain has convinced itself that staying alive is worth it for the time being and I genuinely have no clue why. Sometimes I wish that something irreversible and horrible would happen so I'd feel justified in ending things.

It really is terrible, I'm sorry you're in the same situation. I don't understand why our brains do it to us

It's just how our minds work, always protecting us. My suicidality was the result of my whole sense of who i am breaking down a few years ago, but those feelings have mellowed out, damaged me, and now my mind is desperately keeping me alive in worse shape than ever before. I guess eventually something will push me again and make me explode, and i hope i will be ready by then, with some anger and energy. In the mean time i will try to do something useful with my life since i'm still alive.

 

[dogdrool]

It's just how our minds work, always protecting us. My suicidality was the result of my whole sense of who i am breaking down a few years ago, but those feelings have mellowed out, damaged me, and now my mind is desperately keeping me alive in worse shape than ever before. I guess eventually something will push me again and make me explode, and i hope i will be ready by then, with some anger and energy. In the mean time i will try to do something useful with my life since i'm still alive.

It's genuinely crazy what your brain will do.

Last time I really attempted, I was honestly sure about everything. Didn't care about my family, friends, pets. I was sure I'd be reincarnated into some kind of better life until I actually laid on the tracks and within 30 seconds my brain was shouting fears to me about what happens after death. I have never feared death before. Survival instincts are genuinely crazy and they will do anything to keep you here. I still fear death now after that attempt.