I Can't Believe My Life Is Real

[lizzywizzy09]

Every day I go into shock that this is where my life ended up. And I just hyperventilate or cry. My circumstances actually terrify me. Anyone else? Death can't come soon enough.

 

[LifeIsBS]

i can relate, but i am actually glad that my life made me realise just how pathetic and stupid it really is. it could've been worth it if humans atleast tried to make it better for each other.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Sometimes I go into a similar state of shock but on the other hand I am so inured to it. And as much as I have come to terms with it fact that I will have to kill myself also knocks me to the ground still.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Every day I go into shock that this is where my life ended up. And I just hyperventilate or cry. My circumstances actually terrify me. Anyone else? Death can't come soon enough.

I've had that same shock too many times to count. Mine is the opposite though. My heart skips a beat, and I forget to breathe, or the thoughts of it make me freeze and soon I'm so weak and tired that I have to go to sleep. It literally shuts me down. Strange.

 

[untothedepths]

Yeah, absolutely. If my younger self knew I was fucked from the get go maybe I would be gone by now. I wanted to get a job in the medical field or ecology, be a friendly neighboor and adopt a kid or something so I could give them the life I never had. Instead I couldn't pass basic tests for math so I'm actually stupid, my health plummeted, I have untreated and undiagnosed mental disorders that fuck my life up and make me suffer, failing health and I constantly bring abusers into my life. I think about this all the time, because its my reality, and nothing gets better, I just pretend Im doing okay for most people now. I do cry too, a lot, just a little less recently. I was born a sappy piece of shit who cries at the slightest hint people are upset with me. One half of me is this sensitive, people-pleasing, overly-friendly door mat type and an angry, indignant, hateful persona. If you read my post history you might see that. I wish I could just fucking die. There is nothing in this life for me, I was suppose to be aborted, and now I am punished for apparently wasting h02 other people could breathe. Its not like I WANT to LIVE.

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

I've been there... in the grieving phase. Now I am just empty.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Yeah, absolutely. If my younger self knew I was fucked from the get go maybe I would be gone by now. I wanted to get a job in the medical field or ecology, be a friendly neighboor and adopt a kid or something so I could give them the life I never had. Instead I couldn't pass basic tests for math so I'm actually stupid, my health plummeted, I have untreated and undiagnosed mental disorders that fuck my life up and make me suffer, failing health and I constantly bring abusers into my life. I think about this all the time, because its my reality, and nothing gets better, I just pretend Im doing okay for most people now. I do cry too, a lot, just a little less recently. I was born a sappy piece of shit who cries at the slightest hint people are upset with me. One half of me is this sensitive, people-pleasing, overly-friendly door mat type and an angry, indignant, hateful persona. If you read my post history you might see that. I wish I could just fucking die. There is nothing in this life for me, I was suppose to be aborted, and now I am punished for apparently wasting h02 other people could breathe. Its not like I WANT to LIVE.

I wish say, undoing people -pleasing ways that we've shown, groomed, and taught to think and do for others that others would never do for us, is hard to undo, but I've definitely made a dent in my mine. While I can't say a lot of positive shit for myself, I will say I have started to take up the space that everyone else takes and is allowed, and taken far much less shit from people, because I've thought about it a lot and prepared for it and adjusted my thinking and resolve. Therefore, I know that while I still suck, I still have the right to not feel anxious because of stupid shit and ask for what I deserve as a human whether I want to be or not. Pisses me off that we have to feel bad (mostly as women) that a lot of other women, and mostly men, do not give a second thought too. So getting down right pissed off helps
It's a habit that's been culturally ingrained and programmed into us but I think it's one of the easier ones to refute compared to all the other crap we have to put up with and feel guilty about :/ Good luck.

 

[Unknown21]

Every day I go into shock that this is where my life ended up. And I just hyperventilate or cry. My circumstances actually terrify me. Anyone else? Death can't come soon enough.

I was in the same situation as you before finding my method SN, now I feel some freedom because I can go out at any time regardless of the pain, the possibility of failure...etc. The idea in itself will make you calmer.

 

[bob564243]

That moment when you wake up from an awesome dream, and it slowly dawns on you that your actual life is fucked

 

[itsover246]

That moment when you wake up from an awesome dream, and it slowly dawns on you that your actual life is fucked

Man I wish the brain damage would let me dream again even just have a good sleep :/