Venting I am screwed

[Cyagangy]

I realized that since I'm 18 I have to pay my own medical bills for if I survive my next attempt. I told myself many times that last attempt will be my last. I thought that would be the case but after failing a 6th time on my 4th day of trying I developed psychosis. I had a thought that God talked to me despite knowing damn well that's not the case. I'm self aware but it does nothing to spare me the betrayal of my mind. My new plan is to buy fentanyl. I'm going to start a stream review the Bible by John 3 I'll take some Tylenol to tire myself mentally then I will take my opioids to overdose. To finish it off I'll use the lighter fluid for my grill on myself and go out in flames. It may sound painful but if done right I most likely won't feel the flames. Even if I were to seek help the medical bills would kill me on the inside and I won't be able to joined the military to pay for them. It was so bad I even did the psychotic laughter thing that you see in movies (It's not the exact same) yes it made me feel better but that laughter comes from the back of your throat. It's not a genuine laugh of joy but it comes from the fact you can d nothing but accept your situation. I'm really sorry if my next posts on here are just religious rants. I searched it up and my self awareness can only last so long.

 

[landslide2]

hi, i think you are under an enormous amount of mental stress right now. have you considered talking to someone, getting some help?
there is treatment for psychosis that could really help. even if you want to ctb, you would be in a clearer state of mind for it.

 

[Cyagangy]

hi, i think you are under an enormous amount of mental stress right now. have you considered talking to someone, getting some help?
there is treatment for psychosis that could really help. even if you want to ctb, you would be in a clearer state of mind for it.

I could but talking would get me hospitalized. If I'm hospitalized then I get out I will have no job I can't join the military and I will have nothing to show for it. I'm an adult in highschool I own nothing. All I can do is just let my delusions win. I'm just glad my insanity makes me want to hurt me and not anyone else.

 

[landslide2]

I see what you mean I am so sorry about joining the military. Does your family know how much you're struggling?
Your post is worrying, and I can't but help think seeking some treatment would be a good idea. even if you choose a path to ctb, because it could go wrong and leave you injured for life if you're not able to think clearly.

 

[Cyagangy]

No my family doesn't and I prefer to keep it that way but I'm going to tell my pastor today and get his thoughts. I doubt that will stop my delusions. I'm way too smart and meticulous about stuff like this for my own good. I know it can go wrong that's why I am overdosing on fent before the flames can kill me. It forcibly stops my breathing and will put me unconscious before anything. I need to work a bit hard on my plan but I really do thank you for trying to help me.

 

[alienfreak]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. The fire part really scares me because of the horrific possibilities if something unexpected were to happen and you survive with awful injuries, please consider staying away from that. You never know what can happen