pokerrkitty
They/Them, genderfluid, always open to talk.
- Nov 25, 2025
- 14
Hi there. First real post I guess.
I have been planning to ctb for a little under a year after some events last January left me with so much guilt that I don't believe it is worth living with. I've had suicidal ideation since I was around 12 years old, though.
The big issue I keep running into while planning it is that I have a loving boyfriend and friends who care deeply about me. I am under no illusion of this, despite the occasional BPD episode temporarily convincing me otherwise. I look at the situations of others planning to kill themselves and can't help but wonder 'why do I deserve to escape and hurt all of these people when my situation isn't nearly as bad as theirs?'
The thought of what they'll feel and think once they find my body drives a knife into my heart every time I think about it.
I have been planning to ctb for a little under a year after some events last January left me with so much guilt that I don't believe it is worth living with. I've had suicidal ideation since I was around 12 years old, though.
The big issue I keep running into while planning it is that I have a loving boyfriend and friends who care deeply about me. I am under no illusion of this, despite the occasional BPD episode temporarily convincing me otherwise. I look at the situations of others planning to kill themselves and can't help but wonder 'why do I deserve to escape and hurt all of these people when my situation isn't nearly as bad as theirs?'
The thought of what they'll feel and think once they find my body drives a knife into my heart every time I think about it.
