How to get the courage to finally do it?

[Maria81]

I am not depressed but my life is a daily hell. have a 2 year old baby and it hurts me to leave him. I wish it wasn't like this. I wish I could provide for my baby.. but I know his dad will take care of him. I am useless to him. Useless to everyone around me. I have tried so hard to get an opportunity, but there is just nothing in this world left for me.

Please give me the support to have the strength to finally do it and it will all be over. I don't want compassion and support, I want the courage to end it my situation. How do people gather the strength to get past the SI and fear to die? I wish I was depressed because that would make it easier, but I am so stupid I keep thinking there is a chance for me when there has not been one for the last 4 years. I have worked hard and tried hard. Studied a master's degree, changed countries, tried to form a family and lead a normal life. But my partner just keeps blaming me for not having a job and no supporting the family. And he is right. I am a failure, I am done with living trying. I am done and I just want to go.

 

[Jblack]

First let me say that I am very old school and not at all politically correct. Any man who would berate the mother of his child for not supporting the family to me is not much of a man. Please think this through very carefully, as exiting will leave a lifetime impact on your child. I do not know where you are from, but are there any social services that you can take advantage of and leave with your child? You need social support and it sounds like distance from the child's father. Anyone who can earn a Master's and changed countries has a lot more strength and courage than they realize.

Getting over SI is not easy to do. If it was, I wouldn't be writing this to you. For many it is not just SI that stops them from exiting but also emotional ties. Again, please think this through before acting in haste.

 

[ClairyFairy]

It sounds to me like the father of your child is mentally abusing you. What is the level of his education. He might be gaslighting you and dragging you down without you even knowing. Would he really be the best person to bring up your child? If he's saying that stuff while your still alive imagine what your child will grow up thinking. Consider maybe changing your situation before making that final decision. Even if you just put it off until your child at least has their own memories of you. Sending you love

 

[WornOutLife]

The only way I managed to get over SI was by taking lots of sleeping pills and anti-depressants with booze.

Thus, I was about to hang myself and be at peace but I had taken so many pills and alcohol that I passed out immediately and couldn't go with partial.

Mind you. I got a 2-day coma, 1 month in hospital and 5 months in prison (my parents' house). Also, doctors wanted to send me to a psych ward.

 

[NoMoreMorbidity]

I completely overcame my fear of suicide when I was 15. I hanged myself, was in a coma for 5 days. I was in bliss and was joyous when I attempted. Scared, but 100% ready.
I think the biggest part of me being 100% ready was that I finally had zero true reasons to live. I didn't care about my family being hurt, I didn't care about school, etc. The apathy was immense. The little day to day goals disappeared too. Even the fear of what comes after was gone. I think the zero reasons and just fully accepting death helped the most.
I wish I could get back to that state of mind, I haven't felt it since

Also, what does SI mean? Suicidal ideation? I didn't see it in the Terminology FAQS

 

[lofticries]

Also, what does SI mean? Suicidal ideation? I didn't see it in the Terminology FAQS

SI- Survival Instincts.

 

[noname223]

I think when I lost absolutely everything I can overcome SI. If there is no hope anymore, when I have tried everything. I am ready to go. I've had red lines in my life. I crossed them and I am still here. But i realize it becomes more and more serious and death is approaching me. The more crisis the more suicidal...

 

[TotallyIsolated]

I am not depressed ... I have worked hard and tried hard. Studied a master's degree, changed countries, tried to form a family and lead a normal life. But my partner just keeps blaming me for not having a job and no supporting the family. And he is right. I am a failure

are you sure? What makes you say you're not depressed? I agree with the others above that your partner sounds unsupportive at best. I'm sorry your going through this.

Its your life and your body though, and I of course have no right to deny you self-determination.

How to actually go through with it its a very difficult one. I think its something unique and personal to each of us. From the time I've been here at SS I get the impression that those who were able to do it were certain that its what they wanted. They planned it ahead, prepared carefully, and made their peace with the world. I think that SI is always going to be strong, but when YOU and only you know that the time is right then it will come naturally.

Having said all that, I wish it was some other way because my own attempts were feeble and my resolve completely evaporated when the time came. When I travelled 3 hours to beachy head I was furious and I felt free and like I could do anything, but as soon as I got to the edge everything suddenly became very clear - all that anger suddenly went away. I was so close and I'd dreamt of it for months, but in that moment I KNEW I wasn't going to do it. I feel really ashamed of it but I have to be honest.

When I call it a suicide attempt I feel like a fraud. I feel like I wasn't really suicidal, which still eats away at me. I have no desire to live, but I don't have what it takes to die, and I have tried to come to terms with that.