Okokaykay
Member
- May 10, 2023
- 96
Things are getting awful again. I can't stop doing stupid shit to myself, but I'm also in no position to be self destructive right now. A lot of people want me well and happy so I have to at least appear as such.
I want to SH so badly, but I can't. Alternatives (rubber bands, ice, whatever) don't work or relieve much- Unless it's choking myself or doing a half-hearted hanging attempt. The problem is, the marks on my neck are getting noticeable and my girlfriend is worried. She has started having nightmares of me dying and I feel awful.
I am not made to be alive and everything that I've used to cope with that fact is out of reach. I am on edge all the time, a horrible person to be around. I need some kind of release.
I'm getting tired of people telling me to try harder to recover or to reach out. It's like hitting a dead end on the nose over and over again. I just need to be dead.
I want to SH so badly, but I can't. Alternatives (rubber bands, ice, whatever) don't work or relieve much- Unless it's choking myself or doing a half-hearted hanging attempt. The problem is, the marks on my neck are getting noticeable and my girlfriend is worried. She has started having nightmares of me dying and I feel awful.
I am not made to be alive and everything that I've used to cope with that fact is out of reach. I am on edge all the time, a horrible person to be around. I need some kind of release.
I'm getting tired of people telling me to try harder to recover or to reach out. It's like hitting a dead end on the nose over and over again. I just need to be dead.