D
DogSandwichLove
New Member
- Sep 19, 2024
- 4
My partner, my love, my favorite person, my best friend died on September 1st. I found him at his house barely breathing after I couldn't get a hold of him. I was thirty minutes late. He poisoned himself with Sodium Nitrate and I was too late to do anything that could save him. My CPR was even a wasted effort. I don't know how to continue on after this. I failed him. As his partner I should have been able to keep him safe. I should have been able to make him feel loved and worthy. It has almost been a month and I am still struggling to get out of bed, to move, to eat. How will I ever be able to live after knowing I wasn't there for him. Knowing I wasn't able to save him. Knowing it was my fault. The only thing that feels fair is laying the bed we shared, doing nothing, but being in pain and missing him. He deserves for me to be in pain and feel no joy or comfort for the rest of my life. He deserved for the entire world to stop. I miss him all the time. I think of him constantly. I will never be okay and I don't think I deserve to be.
Everything feels pointless. My whole life was wiped away in an instant. My future was wiped away. I don't think I have it in me to rebuild. I think about whether he is okay or not all the time. I think about how the only way I will know if he is okay is if I join him, but even that is no guarantee. How do I live with this guilt? With this emptiness? Without him?
Everything feels pointless. My whole life was wiped away in an instant. My future was wiped away. I don't think I have it in me to rebuild. I think about whether he is okay or not all the time. I think about how the only way I will know if he is okay is if I join him, but even that is no guarantee. How do I live with this guilt? With this emptiness? Without him?