I might have a small relapse. While studying I had to take emergency medication all the time. Z-sleeping pills and benzos in a low dosage but way too frequently. Since the severe argument with my therapist I am taking again benzos and z-medications. I take a half z-medication every day since 3,5 weeks. That's not good. The maximum should be 6 weeks I think. And the withdrawal won't be nice.
The more risky thing is though the benzos. I am not taking much. I don't know how frequently. My guess would be 4 times 0,5 mg lorazepam/ and way too many drops diazepam.
The thing is I need sleep. If I don't sleep I will become psychotic and paranoid. And the legal issues will burden me even more. Everything has to be at balance. If I wouldn't take any emergency medication, I would need more in the longrun. Especially, if I do major mistakes in the legal battle.
I am doing all my best. I use some strategies I employed in college. At night I lay myself down lights on. I hope to fall asleep and wake up in the middle of the night. Then I take the z-sleeping pill. The later. the better. However, I am still waking up at 4 a.m. regularly which is not a good sign. (then I take 1-2 drops diazepam)
Especially, when I take the z-medication at 1 a.m. That's pretty unusual and shows that I am in severe stress.
At first, I thought in this emergency situation, emergency medication is appropriate. However, I notice this emergency takes way too long. I should not take this much emergency medication for such a long time. I tested my resting pulse and it was above 110. I developed severe psychosomatic issues as a consequence of my benzo withdrawal during college. A friend of mine told me how dangerous such a high resting pulse is. But actually I don't have a choice. I never had any choice. I have been dealt an extremely bad hand in life. And my family and support network pushed me to continue college. They knew I was dependent on emergency medication.
I quit college in April 2024 and my psychosomatic issues slowly got better. But now it is so much worse again. I have severe diarrhea and lost a lot of kilogram. My body feels like in an emergency situation all the time. My appetite improved again. My sleep stabilized a little bit but only because of the medication. Now, I try to stay completely off benzos.
However, I have a very important appointment on Wednesday with my psychiatrist. She is against a report of my therapist. And I have the feeling she even teams up with her and plays down the severe ethical violations. Actually, this extremely infuriates me. And strengthens my distrust in the therapy system. I am not sure how to act in that conversation. How much I shall open up how much this argument burdens me. I tend not to open up. I will try to be analytical. There is a big issue. The appointment is at 8:30 a.m. And this is a nightmare for my sleeping rhythm. I already wanted that she gives me a different time but it wasn't possible. I am not sure what to do. I don't need her approval to report my therapist. It would be good if I had her support but from what I read I think she will be against that. This will feel like another stab in the back. To remain calm I consider to take benzos beforehand. But I am not sure how smart that is.
A friend of mine told me how much more likely a heartattack and stroke is with such a resting pulse. Thanks a lot for that. Especially, because they are frequent in my family. But tbh I almost killed mysel last year. Strokes and heart attacks usually become a problem if you are older and I am not sure whether I will ever reach that age. The risk I kill myself seems way higher. I barely eat meat, I am very thin, I have low/perfect blood pressure. I want to make more exercises. At least a little bit. Because the last years I literally did nothing and gave up.
Edit: My psychiatrist will say something like such remakrs in the medical records aren't that bad don't report her. But if I don't report her people might think there are two versions of the story. And the truth is in the middle. Which is not true. Because my former therapist is blatanly lying. And if I don't report her I won't even have the right to tell my version of the story in my medical records. My therpist already adapted her worst allegations because she knew I will sue her otherwise. Tomorrow, I will receive the rest of my medical records. And tbh the documents I have received thus far are already way too much not to report her. My therapist thought I was bluffing. Though, I sent her a certified mail, if she doesn't send me my mail medical records I will report her otherwise. And now she exactly did that.
The more risky thing is though the benzos. I am not taking much. I don't know how frequently. My guess would be 4 times 0,5 mg lorazepam/ and way too many drops diazepam.
The thing is I need sleep. If I don't sleep I will become psychotic and paranoid. And the legal issues will burden me even more. Everything has to be at balance. If I wouldn't take any emergency medication, I would need more in the longrun. Especially, if I do major mistakes in the legal battle.
I am doing all my best. I use some strategies I employed in college. At night I lay myself down lights on. I hope to fall asleep and wake up in the middle of the night. Then I take the z-sleeping pill. The later. the better. However, I am still waking up at 4 a.m. regularly which is not a good sign. (then I take 1-2 drops diazepam)
Especially, when I take the z-medication at 1 a.m. That's pretty unusual and shows that I am in severe stress.
At first, I thought in this emergency situation, emergency medication is appropriate. However, I notice this emergency takes way too long. I should not take this much emergency medication for such a long time. I tested my resting pulse and it was above 110. I developed severe psychosomatic issues as a consequence of my benzo withdrawal during college. A friend of mine told me how dangerous such a high resting pulse is. But actually I don't have a choice. I never had any choice. I have been dealt an extremely bad hand in life. And my family and support network pushed me to continue college. They knew I was dependent on emergency medication.
I quit college in April 2024 and my psychosomatic issues slowly got better. But now it is so much worse again. I have severe diarrhea and lost a lot of kilogram. My body feels like in an emergency situation all the time. My appetite improved again. My sleep stabilized a little bit but only because of the medication. Now, I try to stay completely off benzos.
However, I have a very important appointment on Wednesday with my psychiatrist. She is against a report of my therapist. And I have the feeling she even teams up with her and plays down the severe ethical violations. Actually, this extremely infuriates me. And strengthens my distrust in the therapy system. I am not sure how to act in that conversation. How much I shall open up how much this argument burdens me. I tend not to open up. I will try to be analytical. There is a big issue. The appointment is at 8:30 a.m. And this is a nightmare for my sleeping rhythm. I already wanted that she gives me a different time but it wasn't possible. I am not sure what to do. I don't need her approval to report my therapist. It would be good if I had her support but from what I read I think she will be against that. This will feel like another stab in the back. To remain calm I consider to take benzos beforehand. But I am not sure how smart that is.
A friend of mine told me how much more likely a heartattack and stroke is with such a resting pulse. Thanks a lot for that. Especially, because they are frequent in my family. But tbh I almost killed mysel last year. Strokes and heart attacks usually become a problem if you are older and I am not sure whether I will ever reach that age. The risk I kill myself seems way higher. I barely eat meat, I am very thin, I have low/perfect blood pressure. I want to make more exercises. At least a little bit. Because the last years I literally did nothing and gave up.
Edit: My psychiatrist will say something like such remakrs in the medical records aren't that bad don't report her. But if I don't report her people might think there are two versions of the story. And the truth is in the middle. Which is not true. Because my former therapist is blatanly lying. And if I don't report her I won't even have the right to tell my version of the story in my medical records. My therpist already adapted her worst allegations because she knew I will sue her otherwise. Tomorrow, I will receive the rest of my medical records. And tbh the documents I have received thus far are already way too much not to report her. My therapist thought I was bluffing. Though, I sent her a certified mail, if she doesn't send me my mail medical records I will report her otherwise. And now she exactly did that.
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