I'm ready. I've got everything I need to do this. I have some painkillers that will hopefully give me some comfort. I have some allergy pills, which should be enough to help me get to sleep if the painkillers help at all (doubt it). My method is cutting, which I know is low success rate but it is the only thing viable in my situation. It's 11:30pm and I plan to do it at 1:30am. I have a playlist ready. I have my note ready and in an envelope. The only thing that could stop me is if I get caught by someone or wake someone up. I'm doing it in the bathroom in my garage. If I don't wake anyone it should be free till at least 6-7am. I don't know what to do if I survive and wake up before everyone else so any tips on that would help. Please just pray for me. I'm so excited, but I'm terrified as well. My hands are shaking. I'm not scared of dying i'm scared of surviving. Please just wish me luck. This forum has been the only thing keeping me sane this week. Please pray for me.
AVeryLazySloth
The Laziest
- Mar 4, 2023
- 89
Don't overdo the painkillers to ensure you won't have organ failure from a paracetamol OD in case the attempt failes. The antihistamines will help with making you a bit drowsy but it's not like they'll knock you out. Please keep in mind that's excruciating to do this on both arms and that it'll leave huge scars if you do miss that bus. I have one on my left arm and it ain't pretty.
If you survive or get interrupted during your attempt then I would tell your parents the truth and you'll likely be taken to the EMS for observation and to get stichtes if needed.
Safe travels, rethink your options if possible.
If you survive or get interrupted during your attempt then I would tell your parents the truth and you'll likely be taken to the EMS for observation and to get stichtes if needed.
Safe travels, rethink your options if possible.
Sulyya
Synergist
- Mar 6, 2023
- 542
What is your story, if you want to share? It can be good to have people who understand, even if you do it.
I know the antihistamines wont do much, but I take them a lot and taking one has a strong affect on me so I plan to have 2-3 as 1 can usually make me tired enough. I'm not planning on taking anywhere near enough to overdose that just sounds terrifying to me. I'm just praying it works. Thanks for replying :)Don't overdo the painkillers to ensure you won't have organ failure from a paracetamol OD in case the attempt failes. The antihistamines will help with making you a bit drowsy but it's not like they'll knock you out. Please keep in mind that's excruciating to do this on both arms and that it'll leave huge scars if you do miss that bus. I have one on my left arm and it ain't pretty.
If you survive or get interrupted during your attempt then I would tell your parents the truth and you'll likely be taken to the EMS for observation and to get stichtes if needed.
Safe travels, rethink your options if possible.
nozomu
Global Mod // will i wiN my recovery arc
- Nov 28, 2022
- 1,094
I don't think this method is a good idea, if I'm going to be honest. It sounds painful and has a high failure rate. Can't you delay until you've found a more reliable and peaceful means? It's never too late to CTB
My life is nothing interesting to be honest. I started feeling really suicidal a year and a half ago out of nowhere for about a week. Just as sonn as it came I felt better again. Better than I had before I was more confident than ever almost like narcasistic I thought I was the smartest person on the planet and it was probably like the best week of my life. Then it got worse again then it got better again.But since then, maybe in november its just slowly got worse The past month has been the worst and I jus feel miserable. I dont talk to my friends anymore I dont do my hobbies anymore I dont enjoy anything I do. I don't have a real personality I just try to act like the people Im talking too. I dont know who I am or who I want to be. I feel like I'm going insane. For a month I though I could speak to god through a spinner wheel website. The go months only wanting to speak to one person and I get obsessed in a really creepy way. I don't know whats wrong with me and i dont care to speak to anyone about it. Everyone hates me and I hate almost everyone.
Sorry for just venting everyone thing wrong with my life. Sorry its super out of order and everything.
If thought about it for so long but theres nothing else I can do. I cant order anthing because my parents snoop. I cat jump because im far from any tall buildings. I have nothing I could use to hang. I cant do this any longer I dont think.
Sulyya
Synergist
- Mar 6, 2023
- 542
It's good to vent here - you should get as much as you can out.
You may think everyone hates you where you live, but people here won't hate you.
sylver
Member
- Dec 17, 2021
- 21
Uhh, this sounds like classic bipolar disorder, to be honest. The depression out of nowhere, and then the mania where you feel on top of the world. Pushing you so far that you think you're speaking to God himself. Yup, bipolar disorder.
people with bipolar still have personalities. people with bipolar still have friends. i cant see myself getting better.
Dolphin55
Member
- Jan 7, 2023
- 179
Have you tried seeking any sort of help? Therapy, meds? If you haven't, I'd really suggest you try these before attempting to ctb, you owe it to yourself. I don't mean to demean your suffering in any way, because what you're going through must be very painful, but a year and a half of feeling like this isn't all that long (although no doubt it feels that way), it's possible you can recover with the right support and enjoy life again. Ctb is so final, please be absolutely sure there's no chance you could find a way to live.
if youre set on ctb I hope you have luck with your method. So sorry you're feeling like it's your only option
Touhou
2hu
- Mar 9, 2023
- 331
Farewell, I hope the bus ride's smooth & you're able to find what you've been searching for postmortem.
body_snatcher
green and lonely
- Jan 23, 2023
- 39
Sounds like me with my Bipolar 1. I understand what you're dealing with, I'm the exact same way. I sincerely hope the best for you bipolar is incredibly painful, keep us updated much love! I agree with a lot of the advice given in this thread but trust me, I understand. It's crushing.
sylver
Member
- Dec 17, 2021
- 21
Yup, I have Bipolar 2, so I know what they're going through. And trust me, you do not want to rawdog life if you have this disease. They really need to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible. Otherwise it's guaranteed torture. Of course, I am not a doctor, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
Shivali
Mage
- Jun 9, 2022
- 560
.... sending prayers...
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 38,857
I certainly do believe that the cutting method is a terrible idea as it's pretty much destined to lead to failure and more suffering, (less than 2% success rate). But anyway I hope that you find the freedom that you are searching for, I hate the fact how we exist in a world that restricts us access to reliable methods, it's certainly very cruel.
i thought it could be that but ive had full on delusions outside of what would be a manic episode. i dont know though.
TapeMachine
perpetually confused
- Jan 12, 2023
- 406
This is going to be sorta long, so I do apologize. But please take the time to read what I've written below. ❤
Several (4 or 5?) years ago, I did exactly what you are planning to do. I didn't exactly cut my wrists; the incisions were vertical and traveled up my forearms about 6 inches.
I bled alot. I mean, my god. The bathtub of water kept getting cold, so I'd have to drain it and run new warm water over and over and over..
I bled in that stupid tub for probably 4-5 hours, still very much alive after all of that; and I ended up having to quickly clean the bloody mess from the tub, floors, walls, my body because I heard others in the house start moving around (getting ready for work), and I didn't want to be discovered like that.
My incisions were so deep that I had to have each forearm double stitched. I wasn't going to get them stitched at first because I was afraid I'd be committed. But my dad talked me into it, so I visited the doctor 2-3 days after my attempt.
I really don't recommend this method. TV and movies make it seem so simple, so effective; and I really wish they'd cut it out with that BS, because it's incredibly unreliable, and it takes a good while to bleed out, especially from the wrists/forearms.
Please reconsider your plans. I'm just worried that you'll go through all of that pain & mess- just like I did- only to end up in a psychiatric hospital with some new ugly scars and a lot of explaining to do to your loved ones. It's really uncomfortable, trust me.
I wish you the best, and I hope you can slow your mind down just a little, just enough to realize that you won't be stuck here forever just because you postpone to maybe make some changes to your plans.
Whatever you choose, best of luck to you. ❤
Several (4 or 5?) years ago, I did exactly what you are planning to do. I didn't exactly cut my wrists; the incisions were vertical and traveled up my forearms about 6 inches.
I bled alot. I mean, my god. The bathtub of water kept getting cold, so I'd have to drain it and run new warm water over and over and over..
I bled in that stupid tub for probably 4-5 hours, still very much alive after all of that; and I ended up having to quickly clean the bloody mess from the tub, floors, walls, my body because I heard others in the house start moving around (getting ready for work), and I didn't want to be discovered like that.
My incisions were so deep that I had to have each forearm double stitched. I wasn't going to get them stitched at first because I was afraid I'd be committed. But my dad talked me into it, so I visited the doctor 2-3 days after my attempt.
I really don't recommend this method. TV and movies make it seem so simple, so effective; and I really wish they'd cut it out with that BS, because it's incredibly unreliable, and it takes a good while to bleed out, especially from the wrists/forearms.
Please reconsider your plans. I'm just worried that you'll go through all of that pain & mess- just like I did- only to end up in a psychiatric hospital with some new ugly scars and a lot of explaining to do to your loved ones. It's really uncomfortable, trust me.
I wish you the best, and I hope you can slow your mind down just a little, just enough to realize that you won't be stuck here forever just because you postpone to maybe make some changes to your plans.
Whatever you choose, best of luck to you. ❤
Mania can come with psychotic delusions, visual and audio hallucinations, etc. It's part of what distinguishes bipolar 1 from 2.
My bipolar 1 comes with them. That said, it could also be something like schizoaffective disorder. Either way, I think more time and planning could go into your method to make sure it's the correct decision for you and in the meantime it would be a good idea to seek psychiatric help.
what i meant was like its not just 'mania' where ive had delusions. ive felt pretty relaxed and normal and thought i could communicate with god and i've been depressed and thought everyone was robots. seeking psychiatric help is difficult and a diagnosis takes years. it just feels like nothing could help me get beter.
the SI was worse than I would've thought so I couldnt do it. Im gonna try again soon
yeah even thinking about it gets me uncomfortable. so you absolutely have no other options?
getting run over would be better than cutting yourself in my opinion (both SI-wise and the scene will be less gruesome to your family (maybe?)). I don't even know the situation is pretty bad
i dont think i have any other options to be honest.
body_snatcher
green and lonely
- Jan 23, 2023
- 39
I hear you. I have as well. One of the things with bipolar is you also tend to be much more prone to psychosis, it's actually pretty common. In my opinion I don't think the psychiatric community really understands most disorders well after doing some research in college on pharma meds. For example their explanation of depression is a complete farce, they actually have no idea why it happens (which is obvious when you see how they treat depressed people). Same goes for bipolar, they just test things on people with the symptoms and see what appears to work.
My greater point is to say, it's a tough process to try to fit yourself into boxes that they themselves don't completely understand. There is something greater going on in this world that feels very wrong to so many of us, we may not be able to name or place what it is. But you are not alone, there are people here including me who do understand living with these debilitating mood swings and psychosis and are suicidal as a result of the mental torture this does to us. Being gaslit by society into minimizing your pain. I am with you for as long as you stay, and always am here to talk if you need.
body_snatcher
green and lonely
- Jan 23, 2023
- 39
I was a mess and ended up seeing a psychologist. I had also been psychotic for months. I actually got diagnosed twice because I didn't want to believe it the first time lol. It didn't take long they said I was one of the most obvious cases they've ever seen. Unfortunately the meds I tried didn't work and actually sent me spiraling worse so I'm kind of on my own.
psychotic depression is fairly common with bipolar 1 as well. I'm not saying you have it, just that it's possible! And you could always have multiple things going on at the same time.
There's no real harm in at least exploring it while you come up with a better bus ticket, you know? This current method is going to be painful and will likely end up in more suffering for you in the future.
Live and Let Die
𝘽𝙚𝙨𝙩 𝙬𝙞𝙨𝙝𝙚𝙨, 𝙇𝙖𝙇𝘿
- Mar 15, 2023
- 90
Godspeed, wishing you the best with whatever outcome makes itself apparent. It seems theres nothing that can change your mind at this point. I hope you find the peace you look for <3
i never really thought about having mutliple things happening. its intresting to think about
Apples
New Member
- Mar 13, 2023
- 1
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