justwant2sleep
Member
- Jul 23, 2023
- 25
I'm back! I posted here last year saying I was leaving the site and giving life another try. I did exactly that. In hindsight it was a complete waste of time and effort. But oh well.
I'm now absolutely sure that ending my life is the correct path for me. Any doubts I had or thoughts of "maybe things will get better", well, those are gone now.
I'm not built for this world, and I'm okay with that now. I have finally made peace with the fact that I do not and never really did belong here.
Unfortunately for me I'm stuck in this mess of an existence until Christmas is over. But I suppose that gives me time to get my plan together and figure out all the details. My plan is still to go with full suspension hanging. I have some mixed feelings about the whole process. A part of me wants to do it right this second. When I think about planning I get a sense of excitement. I have battled depression for almost a decade now, and the idea of this fight being over truly fills my heart with a strange sense of relief. Of course there are moments where I feel things such as worry or guilt. But then I take a step back and think to myself, "realistically, is there a way I can continue on living life?" "is there a way I can actually make this existence work out for myself and those around me?". The answers are no.
I was unsure if I was brave enough to CTB using this method. I have since realised I am not brave enough to live, and suddenly my way out didn't seem quite so bad. Enduring however many seconds or minutes of uncomfortable or agonising pain is surely better than being in constant mental and emotional distress. I mean, if I'm being honest the distress has become physical too. There is a deep aching pit in my chest at every moment of every day.
When I wake up in the morning, my first thought, for months now has been death. When I get into bed at night, it's always what I'm thinking about. I have lost my ability to function (not that I was ever much of a contributor to society anyways), and also my ability to fake a smile. I'm a complete burden to everyone in my life and an absolute pain to be around.
I lurked on this site for a couple weeks and did some serious "soul searching" for lack of a better term. Now I feel very confident that I am making the right decision.
If you read all of that, I'm not sure what to say. Thank you I suppose, for taking the time to listen to my ramble. I have not written down anything or journaled in any way in quite some time so it actually felt nice to type that all out.
I'm now absolutely sure that ending my life is the correct path for me. Any doubts I had or thoughts of "maybe things will get better", well, those are gone now.
I'm not built for this world, and I'm okay with that now. I have finally made peace with the fact that I do not and never really did belong here.
Unfortunately for me I'm stuck in this mess of an existence until Christmas is over. But I suppose that gives me time to get my plan together and figure out all the details. My plan is still to go with full suspension hanging. I have some mixed feelings about the whole process. A part of me wants to do it right this second. When I think about planning I get a sense of excitement. I have battled depression for almost a decade now, and the idea of this fight being over truly fills my heart with a strange sense of relief. Of course there are moments where I feel things such as worry or guilt. But then I take a step back and think to myself, "realistically, is there a way I can continue on living life?" "is there a way I can actually make this existence work out for myself and those around me?". The answers are no.
I was unsure if I was brave enough to CTB using this method. I have since realised I am not brave enough to live, and suddenly my way out didn't seem quite so bad. Enduring however many seconds or minutes of uncomfortable or agonising pain is surely better than being in constant mental and emotional distress. I mean, if I'm being honest the distress has become physical too. There is a deep aching pit in my chest at every moment of every day.
When I wake up in the morning, my first thought, for months now has been death. When I get into bed at night, it's always what I'm thinking about. I have lost my ability to function (not that I was ever much of a contributor to society anyways), and also my ability to fake a smile. I'm a complete burden to everyone in my life and an absolute pain to be around.
I lurked on this site for a couple weeks and did some serious "soul searching" for lack of a better term. Now I feel very confident that I am making the right decision.
If you read all of that, I'm not sure what to say. Thank you I suppose, for taking the time to listen to my ramble. I have not written down anything or journaled in any way in quite some time so it actually felt nice to type that all out.
sorry to hear things went how they did etc. om
