Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Been feeling pretty "activated"/triggered the last few weeks... due to a situation but more so jus due to life.
Well the situation has reached a conclusion. I don't really care about the result but how it reflects and what it means hurts me. (Being vague but yeah)
Without getting into too much... I just feel exhausted. I am all alone. I am trying to rebuild everything so being alone isn't a surprise.
I don't even care to get into why. I just feel suicidal and this is the first time I've really felt it and thought about it since I moved...
So many things to think about...
-I have my own space so my method can be anything and possibly actually easy.
-i am all alone and no one will interrupt. Or care.
it'd probs take like 3 days to a week for anyone to notice and the first people wouldn't be my gamily or anhthing.
It'd be my like support workers. God even that thought is just... so sad like. If i told em I was going somewhere for a week then no one would check on me.
I've been treated like nothing my whole life and the reward for my efforts of escaping abuse is isolation and loneliness. (Ik Ik this is a very negative take)
I can't explain how much it hurts to live in this world alone. And most the time honestly it doesnt matter. I dont say anything bc it doesnt matter.it takes a lot of time and effort to change that aspect. I have been trying and I am still trying.
Things are only really moving now that I've got my own space.
Why do I talk about being alone so much? BC i am human. Yeah kno... on days like these it'd be really great to have a PEER /friend that knows me and my life and still likes me and validates me like. It really hurts to have no one after 5pm and like from 9am-5pm its not like I am the only client or whatever.
Im just a person and I have to put so much meaning into myself and my life. I am fine with that. I just don't think people understand what it feels like when nothing on the outside is telling me or giving me any indication of worthiness. To constantly reinforce it myself is tiresome.
Its enough but im a human lacking that human to human component.
Anyway... just venting.. not everything im feeling but.. yeah.
I cut my legs a little with a fuckin paperclip so nothin serious but... whats really stopping me from going to town on my skin?
What does it even matter. I can live or die. Either is fine.
But today I just had to admit it. I am feeling suicidal and it feels like it'll be very easy for me to die now and this is what I wanted.
I wanted just as much space to die as I need to live.
I never thought these things mattered but. No one would miss me when im gone. My presence gone, wouldn't leave any indent. Like I said no one would even notice. Somehow... that hurts. It doesn't stop me like it used to though. It's just a reality that my life is pretty insignificant and/or bothersome.
I am feeling soooo suicidal and I will not be taking myself to emergency. I will not be breaking down. I will... uhm?? Barly managing tbh.
I see so many ways in which I can die and I think I can sort it out now.
Dunno. Incoherent vent. My voice doesn't matter. So it doesn't matter.
Well the situation has reached a conclusion. I don't really care about the result but how it reflects and what it means hurts me. (Being vague but yeah)
Without getting into too much... I just feel exhausted. I am all alone. I am trying to rebuild everything so being alone isn't a surprise.
I don't even care to get into why. I just feel suicidal and this is the first time I've really felt it and thought about it since I moved...
So many things to think about...
-I have my own space so my method can be anything and possibly actually easy.
-i am all alone and no one will interrupt. Or care.
it'd probs take like 3 days to a week for anyone to notice and the first people wouldn't be my gamily or anhthing.It'd be my like support workers. God even that thought is just... so sad like. If i told em I was going somewhere for a week then no one would check on me.
I've been treated like nothing my whole life and the reward for my efforts of escaping abuse is isolation and loneliness. (Ik Ik this is a very negative take)
I can't explain how much it hurts to live in this world alone. And most the time honestly it doesnt matter. I dont say anything bc it doesnt matter.it takes a lot of time and effort to change that aspect. I have been trying and I am still trying.
Things are only really moving now that I've got my own space.
Why do I talk about being alone so much? BC i am human. Yeah kno... on days like these it'd be really great to have a PEER /friend that knows me and my life and still likes me and validates me like. It really hurts to have no one after 5pm and like from 9am-5pm its not like I am the only client or whatever.
Im just a person and I have to put so much meaning into myself and my life. I am fine with that. I just don't think people understand what it feels like when nothing on the outside is telling me or giving me any indication of worthiness. To constantly reinforce it myself is tiresome.
Its enough but im a human lacking that human to human component.
Anyway... just venting.. not everything im feeling but.. yeah.
I cut my legs a little with a fuckin paperclip so nothin serious but... whats really stopping me from going to town on my skin?
What does it even matter. I can live or die. Either is fine.
But today I just had to admit it. I am feeling suicidal and it feels like it'll be very easy for me to die now and this is what I wanted.
I wanted just as much space to die as I need to live.
I never thought these things mattered but. No one would miss me when im gone. My presence gone, wouldn't leave any indent. Like I said no one would even notice. Somehow... that hurts. It doesn't stop me like it used to though. It's just a reality that my life is pretty insignificant and/or bothersome.
I am feeling soooo suicidal and I will not be taking myself to emergency. I will not be breaking down. I will... uhm?? Barly managing tbh.
I see so many ways in which I can die and I think I can sort it out now.
Dunno. Incoherent vent. My voice doesn't matter. So it doesn't matter.
