Philosykos
Student
- May 30, 2020
- 196
Just a rant.
I wake up around 7 but I'm not awake. I am in this blissful in-between where I don't feel anything, don't think anything - I'm just floating between mattress and blanket, the last echoes of my dream dancing before my eyes as light does after looking at the sun. As it fades, instinct tells me to close my eyes again, to do anything in order to postpone the inevitable. I spend some time dreaming again, I'm not sure if I'm awake or asleep, maybe I'm both. Sometimes I'm granted this kindness for hours which seem like minutes, sometimes I only get minutes that seem like hours.
Sooner or later though, I will truly awaken.
First comes the dizziness. Like strong drink it buzzes in my head as my body stops floating and starts falling. This is when my stomach will chime in with that unmistakable feeling of falling - as though you miss a step while bolting down the stairs. I may or may not get nauseous, it's a surprise every day. Slowly, earthly sensations will return to me. Sound from outside will crawl to my ears, making its way through the fuzz sitting in my ears at all times. I don't feel rested, I can't remember the last time I have. I am exhausted but sleep won't come back to me. My body feels heavy and sore, I feel so much older than the years I've spent on this planet. And that's when I start thinking again. Feeling again. My head starts spinning as my thoughts crash upon me like a tidal wave. The first thing I feel is disappointment. Disappointment that I have, once again, woken up. I recall my last thought of the previous night: 'Please let me sleep forever. Spare me the burden of having to wake up again.' I know it's not supposed to be like this. I wonder what a morning feels like for the shiny happy people. I can't imagine it's this.
I ponder if death is like sleeping. But I know I should get up so I do. I get another violent bout of dizziness from getting up; no matter how fast or slow I go, I will feel like fainting. It's been this way for years. I need to turn something on now - a film, a series, the radio - anything with sound. Anything that will distract me until I can sleep again. This can't be life.
I wake up around 7 but I'm not awake. I am in this blissful in-between where I don't feel anything, don't think anything - I'm just floating between mattress and blanket, the last echoes of my dream dancing before my eyes as light does after looking at the sun. As it fades, instinct tells me to close my eyes again, to do anything in order to postpone the inevitable. I spend some time dreaming again, I'm not sure if I'm awake or asleep, maybe I'm both. Sometimes I'm granted this kindness for hours which seem like minutes, sometimes I only get minutes that seem like hours.
Sooner or later though, I will truly awaken.
First comes the dizziness. Like strong drink it buzzes in my head as my body stops floating and starts falling. This is when my stomach will chime in with that unmistakable feeling of falling - as though you miss a step while bolting down the stairs. I may or may not get nauseous, it's a surprise every day. Slowly, earthly sensations will return to me. Sound from outside will crawl to my ears, making its way through the fuzz sitting in my ears at all times. I don't feel rested, I can't remember the last time I have. I am exhausted but sleep won't come back to me. My body feels heavy and sore, I feel so much older than the years I've spent on this planet. And that's when I start thinking again. Feeling again. My head starts spinning as my thoughts crash upon me like a tidal wave. The first thing I feel is disappointment. Disappointment that I have, once again, woken up. I recall my last thought of the previous night: 'Please let me sleep forever. Spare me the burden of having to wake up again.' I know it's not supposed to be like this. I wonder what a morning feels like for the shiny happy people. I can't imagine it's this.
I ponder if death is like sleeping. But I know I should get up so I do. I get another violent bout of dizziness from getting up; no matter how fast or slow I go, I will feel like fainting. It's been this way for years. I need to turn something on now - a film, a series, the radio - anything with sound. Anything that will distract me until I can sleep again. This can't be life.
