Isadeth
Visionary
- Jun 12, 2020
- 2,538
Does anymore else do this?
I've been going to therapy and med management since my last inpatient stay in 2017. I never want to go back, so I play by their rules. I do what they deem "helpful" and sometimes I wonder, "What's the point?"
I know eventually I'll ctb. Whether that eventually is soon or years from now, I just know. I feel I've always known that's how I'll go. That's only if a freak accident doesn't take me first, of course. How lucky would that be?
I go to therapy weekly, I go to medication management between every 2 weeks to 3 months as they see fit. I guess maybe I'm hoping something works and I can fully enjoy my life. I envy those around me that seem to have it all together and are happy and look content. I wonder if they have the same thoughts that I do? if they've ever ordered the same items as I've have, even just once? I wonder if they support A Right to Die.
I don't know why I play their game. I spew my guts just enough to tell my story to my therapist but not enough to be committed. It's a fine line. I mention my symptoms just enough to not be berated by my psychiatrist and get what I need or want.
I often have wondered how many here at SS have felt the same or do the same.
I feel guilty sometimes for taking "someone else's spot" in therapy or for meds that want to live and work through their traumas and live. Not that I don't want to work through them. I just believe there are too many to overcome. I think about it every time I enter through the office doors.
They seem well meaning, and they seem like they care, but I know I'm just a number to them. But still I go.
Even though, in the end, I know that I'll end up ctb.
I've been going to therapy and med management since my last inpatient stay in 2017. I never want to go back, so I play by their rules. I do what they deem "helpful" and sometimes I wonder, "What's the point?"
I know eventually I'll ctb. Whether that eventually is soon or years from now, I just know. I feel I've always known that's how I'll go. That's only if a freak accident doesn't take me first, of course. How lucky would that be?
I go to therapy weekly, I go to medication management between every 2 weeks to 3 months as they see fit. I guess maybe I'm hoping something works and I can fully enjoy my life. I envy those around me that seem to have it all together and are happy and look content. I wonder if they have the same thoughts that I do? if they've ever ordered the same items as I've have, even just once? I wonder if they support A Right to Die.
I don't know why I play their game. I spew my guts just enough to tell my story to my therapist but not enough to be committed. It's a fine line. I mention my symptoms just enough to not be berated by my psychiatrist and get what I need or want.
I often have wondered how many here at SS have felt the same or do the same.
I feel guilty sometimes for taking "someone else's spot" in therapy or for meds that want to live and work through their traumas and live. Not that I don't want to work through them. I just believe there are too many to overcome. I think about it every time I enter through the office doors.
They seem well meaning, and they seem like they care, but I know I'm just a number to them. But still I go.
Even though, in the end, I know that I'll end up ctb.