dumbnhappy
just say it ditto
- May 22, 2024
- 35
All my life, I've felt inadequate. Like I was just good enough at something to make those around me find it interesting, but not good enough to be extraordinary or make a life out of anything.
I think that there is something deeply wrong with me, yet I know that this means nothing at all. I don't think I'm here to fulfill any goal or prophecy to have any kind of impact on anybody. I think I was cursed with an overactive imagination and that I'm selfish and self-centered. I hate everybody but I like them too, and I want to die but I love life. I wish I was someone else entirely, but I find this life in particular magical even in the most ordinary and benign ways.
The people around me who raised me had to go through so much hardship. I had to go through nothing at all. If I say this to somebody they think that I just hate myself or I was told this by someone, but it is the honest truth. Everything I have been through is mediocre, typical. Even in suffering I'm below average haha. I think that honestly maybe I was never meant to have a consciousness because I am unintelligent. Even now as I type this, I am thinking of how someone reading this might react. They may think this is self hatred, and in some ways it is. But really what is the point of being able to understand myself like this? I wish to tell the world but hate when it responds back. I hate myself. I hate those who love me. I hate that I feel this way. I want to run away. I want to die. I don't understand myself fully, yet I believe that I do. Maybe I am a narcissist? Am I a bad person? I know I'm not a bad person. Then maybe I'm just an attention seeker. Then why is it hard for me to reach out to someone in earnest?
I think being my friend is difficult because I am a fake and vicious person. I abandon people easily and turn on them when I feel threatened. I hate hate hate so deeply. I have a rage inside of me built by a war I remember nothing about. I want justice for a crime that does not exist. I want the execution of myself. I want to be the judge and jury. I want peace, and I want to see it to the end. I want to isolate myself forever, I cannot bring myself to abandon those around me permanently. I am a selfish, violent, horrible person. I am not in any way extraordinary. I hold no value. I hold no real love. I am empty. I am just a reflection. I don't understand what is wrong with me, I hate talking to therapists and feel that they don't take me seriously.
I think that there is something deeply wrong with me, yet I know that this means nothing at all. I don't think I'm here to fulfill any goal or prophecy to have any kind of impact on anybody. I think I was cursed with an overactive imagination and that I'm selfish and self-centered. I hate everybody but I like them too, and I want to die but I love life. I wish I was someone else entirely, but I find this life in particular magical even in the most ordinary and benign ways.
The people around me who raised me had to go through so much hardship. I had to go through nothing at all. If I say this to somebody they think that I just hate myself or I was told this by someone, but it is the honest truth. Everything I have been through is mediocre, typical. Even in suffering I'm below average haha. I think that honestly maybe I was never meant to have a consciousness because I am unintelligent. Even now as I type this, I am thinking of how someone reading this might react. They may think this is self hatred, and in some ways it is. But really what is the point of being able to understand myself like this? I wish to tell the world but hate when it responds back. I hate myself. I hate those who love me. I hate that I feel this way. I want to run away. I want to die. I don't understand myself fully, yet I believe that I do. Maybe I am a narcissist? Am I a bad person? I know I'm not a bad person. Then maybe I'm just an attention seeker. Then why is it hard for me to reach out to someone in earnest?
I think being my friend is difficult because I am a fake and vicious person. I abandon people easily and turn on them when I feel threatened. I hate hate hate so deeply. I have a rage inside of me built by a war I remember nothing about. I want justice for a crime that does not exist. I want the execution of myself. I want to be the judge and jury. I want peace, and I want to see it to the end. I want to isolate myself forever, I cannot bring myself to abandon those around me permanently. I am a selfish, violent, horrible person. I am not in any way extraordinary. I hold no value. I hold no real love. I am empty. I am just a reflection. I don't understand what is wrong with me, I hate talking to therapists and feel that they don't take me seriously.
