TraumaEscapee:)
I hate my birth family
- Apr 30, 2023
- 125
Years ago I had an NDE. I'm not going to say how I died or how I came back to life. I will say this.... I ended up in the black void. My first thought was "I'm here forever" I felt fear and confusion. My second thought was "Everyone's going to think I'm in heaven but I'm here". I kept stating it wasn't my time. A voice asked me "is this what you really want" (I'd been severely suicidal and depressed before the act that killed me) and I said it's not my time. The voice said "it's not your time" I saw a blinding white light and was back in my body.
As much as I want to CTB and not be here. My fear is....what if I CTB and end up in a horrible place for eternity. There would be no way out. And not only that but I don't know what future "me" looks like. She could be a married women, with children, a great career and a loving husband. If I CTB could I be robbing a life away from myself that I dream of? I'll never know if I CTB. The "what if" and difficulty in CTB keeps me here.
My dream is that one day I'll be loved and wanted by someone. I have no family and no friends. I'm extremely lonely. There are a lot of people who CTB and perhaps they rob a future away from themselves that they could have only ever dreamed of. I live with bpd and c-ptsd I love in pain every day. But I hope one day if I don't CTB that I'll be so happy and so loved. I don't want to be lonely or uncared for or unloved anymore.
As much as I want to CTB and not be here. My fear is....what if I CTB and end up in a horrible place for eternity. There would be no way out. And not only that but I don't know what future "me" looks like. She could be a married women, with children, a great career and a loving husband. If I CTB could I be robbing a life away from myself that I dream of? I'll never know if I CTB. The "what if" and difficulty in CTB keeps me here.
My dream is that one day I'll be loved and wanted by someone. I have no family and no friends. I'm extremely lonely. There are a lot of people who CTB and perhaps they rob a future away from themselves that they could have only ever dreamed of. I live with bpd and c-ptsd I love in pain every day. But I hope one day if I don't CTB that I'll be so happy and so loved. I don't want to be lonely or uncared for or unloved anymore.