finding out family secrets...

[sadbadpsychogirl]

hey ya'll my grandpa died when i was 7 and he meant the world to me, he was funny and kind and loved me to death. but now i'm finding out some less than great things about him. for one he cheated on my grandmother with her best friend, treated the family dogs like shit. (refused to take them to the vet when they had serious injuries, and all around was a cheap and selfish man. he denied the family air conditioning and anything else that cost money, i worshipped this man for all of my life and now i realize he was a real piece of shit. anyway thanks for reading i just had to get that out.

 

[Largeletters]

I feel your pain, I'm sorry for your loss. Try to remember that your grandpa's questionable actions do not take away how well he treated you and how much you love/miss his presence. You are still allowed to love and miss him even if he didn't always treat others adequately. Still, it always is hard to find things like this out because it can cause you to look at things differently or perhaps in a negative way.

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

another good one is when my father died a few years ago. my parents were divorced but he did his best to be a good father. anyway we found out he was on life support and rushed to the hospital. in the room were his siblings and some random woman. i was confused. turns out she was his girlfriend for over 20 years! not once did he ever mention her to me and i had to find out at the hospital as he was on his death bed. i just can't believe he never said anything... pretty shitty way to find out.

I feel your pain, I'm sorry for your loss. Try to remember that your grandpa's questionable actions do not take away how well he treated you and how much you love/miss his presence. You are still allowed to love and miss him even if he didn't always treat others adequately. Still, it always is hard to find things like this out because it can cause you to look at things differently or perhaps in a negative way.

thank you! you're right i guess i just need some time

 

[Flippy]

Hey sadbadpsychogirl! It can be pretty confusing to learn things that are less than desirable about people we admire and love. You shouldn't feel guilty for loving the person you experienced. He was the things you knew and also regrettably, the things you didn't know. while it's clear he did some shitty things, he may have been able to show a side of himself that he wasn't able to with other people to you.

While what you've learned about him will change your perception of him and it's right that you should acknowledge the bad things he has done, it doesn't necessarily cancel out the good times you've experienced with him. Hopefully he had turned over a new leaf later in life and the person you knew was the one he truly wanted to be?

Human beings are complicated creatures, my mother was the opposite, horrible nearly all the time to me. But there were the occasional nice times too. But the nice times don't cancel out the bad. She is a flawed human that harmed me and I can't forget that, but I can't deny her the occasional good deed.

How you feel about him is up to you to form an opinion on. You can still see him as basically a good guy even if other people have reason not to. Your feelings are yours :-)

 

[Pen>Sword]

How do you feel about your grandfather now? You described him as "a real piece of shit". Is there a piece of you that still love him?

 

[The Lonely]

I know exactly how it is to see everything you knew as "reality" falling apart….

I discovered this same nasty things about my Alive father….

For me it's being like a nightmare to act normal…. And to see how other family members act "normal" about such things….

I can't pretend everything is ok…. :/

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

How do you feel about your grandfather now? You described him as "a real piece of shit". Is there a piece of you that still love him?

i don't even know right now. i still have those great memories but now i feel like it was all an act or something

 

[Flippy]

If you have just found out these things, it may take some time to process it. It's perfectly reasonable to ask these questions. It could have been an act, or it could have been a genuine effort to treat you better than he had treated others in the past. It doesn't undo his past actions and hopefully with time you will be able to resolve the two sides of him one way or another and find some peace in that. You may go through episodes of different views on him until you eventually figure out how you feel about it all. It's all part of coming to terms with these sorts of things.

 

[Bullit]

hey ya'll my grandpa died when i was 7 and he meant the world to me, he was funny and kind and loved me to death. but now i'm finding out some less than great things about him. for one he cheated on my grandmother with her best friend, treated the family dogs like shit. (refused to take them to the vet when they had serious injuries, and all around was a cheap and selfish man. he denied the family air conditioning and anything else that cost money, i worshipped this man for all of my life and now i realize he was a real piece of shit. anyway thanks for reading i just had to get that out.

At least he didn't fuck you!!

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

At least he didn't fuck you!!

yeah i guess there's that... i'm very sorry if you have suffered through something like that..my heart goes out to you

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this, I understand how it must be painful, having your positive view of somebody shattered. People can be so disappointing in general. I wish you the best.