Finally have hope but still can’t stop thinking of suicide

[Idontmatter]

I haven't posted on here in a while. I finally got a new job that is less stressful, on different meds and, finally have a little bit of hope. The weird thing is I still keep thinking of ctb. I have sn here waiting just in case I decide to do it. I just feel weird that things are going better but I'm still thinking about ctbing. I'm just a freak I guess. I feel guilty things are better but I'm still having these thoughts.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I wonder if it might be kind of a habit? Do certain places or activities or occurrences tend to start a chain reaction that ends in having those thoughts?

 

[DrownFeather]

I wonder if it might be kind of a habit? Do certain places or activities or occurrences tend to start a chain reaction that ends in having those thoughts?

I do think it become habit after thinking about it for long time, it's just a relief to think that when everything crash you have quick fast exit, so old habits die hard

 

[Idontmatter]

I wonder if it might be kind of a habit? Do certain places or activities or occurrences tend to start a chain reaction that ends in having those thoughts?

It's just random. I think I'm just scared that everything is going to fall off the rails again.

 

[thedaywillcome]

In my case there is no hope.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm pleased for you that things have improved, but I'm sorry that you are still suffering. I think personally I would find it comforting just having the option of a way to exit this world at a time of my own choosing. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Idontmatter]

I do think it become habit after thinking about it for long time, it's just a relief to think that when everything crash you have quick fast exit, so old habits die hard

I'm pleased for you that things have improved, but I'm sorry that you are still suffering. I think personally I would find it comforting just having the option of a way to exit this world at a time of my own choosing. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

It is nice to know I have sn just in case. I have plenty of it stored away as a backup plan.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I haven't posted on here in a while. I finally got a new job that is less stressful, on different meds and, finally have a little bit of hope. The weird thing is I still keep thinking of ctb. I have sn here waiting just in case I decide to do it. I just feel weird that things are going better but I'm still thinking about ctbing. I'm just a freak I guess. I feel guilty things are better but I'm still having these thoughts.

Congratulations :) You have to be proud of yourself for being able to make these positive changes in your life. I think you should give time to time and to the new medication, which takes time to take effect. I really hope that things continue to get better for you.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

I haven't posted on here in a while. I finally got a new job that is less stressful, on different meds and, finally have a little bit of hope. The weird thing is I still keep thinking of ctb. I have sn here waiting just in case I decide to do it. I just feel weird that things are going better but I'm still thinking about ctbing. I'm just a freak I guess. I feel guilty things are better but I'm still having these thoughts.

It's not unheard of to feel this way. Many of us do.

I'm in a pretty good place at the moment, but the means are in my home anyway. I feel comfort in knowing the option is open and I still think about it, although less often than I used to.

I find that coming here helps as sort of a "relief valve" that lets those feelings out in a safe place and helps keep them under control.

 

[Pol]

nah, it's alright. it's become a habit, i suppose.
there were times when i was watching sitcom reruns on tv, and right before i smile....... i just stop. because the thoughts will come rushing in.

 

[Foresight]

nah, it's alright. it's become a habit, i suppose.
there were times when i was watching sitcom reruns on tv, and right before i smile....... i just stop. because the thoughts will come rushing in.

I know that feeling. It just creeps up.

I completely get you. I'm putting full effort into going forward with life but I don't ever see myself letting go of the option of suicide. When you know the worst you fear it. I don't think I'll ever forget where I was at and wonder if I'll be there again. I have this strange checklist for the year of 1. prioritize your health 2. pursue your career 3. explore your passions 4. buy your N for future needs.

 

[Crazy4u]

You are not alone. I don't think suicidal thoughts go away. We learn to live with them

 

[Idontmatter]

Thank you all for the comments. They really made me feel better. This is why I like this site. It is actually therapy for me. I was kind of feeling like a freak still thinking about those thoughts. It's always nice to talk to people who are dealing with the same issues.

 

[FinalDestination]

I'm in a very similar position actually. Haven't been on here for a while, recently started a full time job which I thought would solve at least 70% of my problems (it has not) , have sn to use when I am ready so it's not a cause of worry when it comes to method. Yet I feel myself always calculating and thinking of ctb, its timings, and often think of best opportunities I could without being caught in time even what I would do if i were to be found in time. It's similar to being on a bridge or a cliff edge and you get that spontaneous urge to jump but you know you shouldn't because you haven't thought it through enough but it's the fact I could but just don't. It just feels like a new extended plane of limbo I exist in, one where regardless of how fine the external is, the internal is always an arms-reach from ctb.

 

[Idontmatter]

I'm in a very similar position actually. Haven't been on here for a while, recently started a full time job which I thought would solve at least 70% of my problems (it has not) , have sn to use when I am ready so it's not a cause of worry when it comes to method. Yet I feel myself always calculating and thinking of ctb, its timings, and often think of best opportunities I could without being caught in time even what I would do if i were to be found in time. It's similar to being on a bridge or a cliff edge and you get that spontaneous urge to jump but you know you shouldn't because you haven't thought it through enough but it's the fact I could but just don't. It just feels like a new extended plane of limbo I exist in, one where regardless of how fine the external is, the internal is always an arms-reach from ctb.

I definitely agree with that. I still think if I wasn't married I would have already done it. It's nice to have a method to do it when it's time. SN I know isn't going to be as pleasant as I want it to be but at least it's there for me if things go south.