Feel like I can never move on, never age, never grow, never recover

[sancsuinet]

I asked someone out. Confessed for the first time in my life. It's mutual.
I should be happy. This is huge progress.

Instead. I'm in bed crying and reading through old messages from my abusive ex. Reminding myself how bad it was.

I feel like I'm going to fuck this up and we haven't talked since I confessed. I feel like I'm going to lose myself again.
I feel like I'm 15 convincing my boyfriend I don't mind that he rapes me as long as he's alive.

This should be good. A nice boy I have liked for a year also likes me.

But instead I'm just so scared.
Just so scared he's going to hurt me.
Just so scared I'm going to hurt him.

I feel too fucked up for this. If I go through with this date, I will be this boys first date.
I don't even know if I can do this. I feel like I'm too much to put on him.
I come with so much baggage.

I've waited 4 years to do this. 2 since I cut ties completely.
I'm still not sure I'm ready.
I'm fucking 20. I'm an adult. I'm letting my life be ruled by a boy who hurt me when I was 15, who I haven't talked to in at least 2 years.

I had to convince him to live. I had to convince him to try. I had to give up everything for him, even months after we broke up. But that was all internal. I hid it away and never dealt with it and I'm so scared I'll have to do it again.

im just so sad.

 

[derpyderpins]

Moving past the built-in script we've written and repeated over and over to ourselves will always be very difficult, and yours has been further etched with your very real trauma. It's completely understandable that you're having these doubts.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Someone else did something bad, and now you're hurting.

Five years might seem like a long time, but it's really not; not from such an awful experience. Be a little easier on yourself. You put the weight of a fucked-up person's issues on your own shoulders and rather than helping they took advantage and abused you. Anyone would have some hesitance after that.

You need to realize that isn't your job. You don't owe it to someone else to sacrifice yourself for them. You are your own person. You wouldn't expect someone else to let you abuse them for your own satisfaction. Be at least as good to yourself as you are to others (preferably moreso).

By that same token, this boy is his own person. If you both want to date, there's no reason for you to take his choice away because YOU'RE worried about hurting HIM. You haven't hurt anyone. You are innocent. It seems like a good chance for you to learn to set appropriate boundaries. If things end up going well, maybe some day you'll want to confide in him, then he can choose if you have too much "baggage." (In which case, he's not right for you anyway.) Of course, if you want to take more time, you can do that, too.

I really hope your pain eases with time.